Kevin Hart stars in this weekend’s new comedy, The Wedding Ringer. Hart plays Jimmy, a man who sells his services to friendless men (in this case, Josh Gad) to act as the best man on their wedding day. Does this all sound a little bit like Hitch? Is there any chance that The Wedding Ringer is actually good? (Spoiler alert: nope!) Ahead, we answer every question that you could possibly have about The Wedding Ringer.
Q: Is The Wedding Ringer just a remake of Hitch?
A: It’s true that, like Hitch, The Wedding Ringer stars a guy who teaches a schlubby guy how to be cool, even though he doesn’t have it all together himself in his own life. So, yeah, it’s pretty much like Hitch, only worse. The title of this movie should be Awful Hitch.
Q: For the rest of this piece will you refer to The Wedding Ringer as Awful Hitch?
A: Yes.
Q: In Awful Hitch, is it hard to find Jimmy in order hire him for his services, just like Hitch was hard to find?
A: Yes, but not as hard. Jimmy discretely works out of the basement of a mini-golf course.
Q: Are there any differences between Hitch and Awful Hitch?
A: To be fair to Awful Hitch, the film’s screenplay has been floating around since 2001 — so it’s maybe unfair to insinuate it’s a Hitch rip-off. And, in Hitch, the Will Smith character is there to teach dorky men how to meet women. In Awful Hitch, Kevin Hart is there to serve as a best man at a wedding – but he does give out an awful lot of relationship advice along they way.
Q: Is there a scene in which Kevin Hart teaches Josh Gad how to dance, like Will Smith teaches Kevin James?
A: It’s almost like the filmmakers involved with Awful Hitch went out of their way to include a scene in which Josh Gad proves he’s already a good dancer, in an effort to say. “See, totally different!”
Q: At any point in The Wedding Ringer, does Josh Gad receive oral sex from a dog?
A: Yes.
Q: Does lockjaw become involved?
A: Yes.
Q: At any point in The Wedding Ringer, does Cloris Leachman catch on fire in a kind of horrifying way?
A: Yes. (And Cloris Leachman is a national treasure. She deserves better.)
Q: So, why does Josh Gad’s character hire Jimmy?
A: Doug (Gad) is set to marry Gretchen (Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting), even though it’s apparent from the beginning that these two people don’t like each other very much. Doug has no friends, so he needs to hire Jimmy in an effort to at least pretend that he has friends.
Q: How many minutes into The Wedding Ringer did you know that this would be a bad movie?
A: Three. Right after Doug sits on a desk made of glass and the glass shatters for no reason. Slapstick!
Q: How is this wedding scheme supposed to work?
A: Jimmy learns all he can from Doug’s life, then pretends to be a close friend who travels and doesn’t have the ability to visit.
Q: Do you mean like A MILITARY PRIEST?!?!?!?!?
A: Sadly, if you pay to see this movie in the hopes of hearing that line that we’ve heard so many times in the trailer, Kevin Hart never says it in the movie.
Q: Between the line “A black hat hacker named Hathaway” from Blackhat and “A MILITARY PRIEST?!?!?!?!?” from The Wedding Ringer, has 2015 been the year of “Fun trailer slogans that don’t appear in the movie”?
A: I don’t even know what to believe any more.
Q: You can believe in a dog that performs oral sex on Josh Gad?
A: It’s days like these that I think about a new career.
Q: Does everyone buy into Jimmy and Doug’s ruse?
A: For the most part, but some people are skeptical – especially after Doug’s seven groomsmen show up, who were all also hired by Jimmy.
Q: How hard could it possibly be to find a best man?
A: I’ll give The Wedding Ringer a little credit here in that it’s an interesting idea, because being a best man is hard. There’s a lot of planning and a lot of pressure. If a person isn’t particularly close with the future groom, who would want that kind of assignment?
Q: Mimi Rogers is in this movie. Who does she play?
A: She plays the person who is there to give horrified facial reactions to everyone else’s wackiness.
Q: Did you laugh at all during The Wedding Ringer?
A: Jimmy takes the name “Bic Mitchum” as his alias for Doug’s wedding, and I will admit that name made me laugh. (It’s no “Dick Poop,” though.)
Q: Are there jokes about child molestation in The Wedding Ringer?
A: Yes. This is a gross movie.
Q: Are there an abundance of gay jokes in The Wedding Ringer?
A: Yes. This is a gross movie.
Q: What’s an actual line of dialogue from The Wedding Ringer?
A: While Doug and Gretchen are meeting with their wedding planner, Gretchen’s dad asks, “Does anyone else feel really f*cking gay right now?”
Q: Are there any redeemable qualities to The Wedding Ringer?
A: Kevin Hart is a talented man who would be served by some better material. Hart actually does put a lot of effort into this movie, but there’s really nothing he can do.
Q: What’s the worst thing about The Wedding Ringer?
A: You mean other than the jokes about being gay and the jokes about child molestation? The thing is, Awful Hitch could have been an amusing enough concept without resorting to gross “jokes” that would have been terrible 20 years ago.
Q: Is there any chance Joe Namath shows up in this movie?
A: Yes.
Q: Right before seeing The Wedding Ringer, did an enormous member of a security team deny you admittance because he didn’t know you were a member of the press?
A: Yes. And I will now think back on that as a subtle warning that I really should have listened to.
Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and GQ. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
