Last night, I got an email from my editor who said we needed a list of Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. (This might actually be an embellishment. –ed.) Now, this makes sense because there’s a brand new one, Spider-Man: Homecoming, that just opened (it’s great!) and people do love subjective lists.
To be honest, I understand there’s a need to differentiate our list from the plethora of other lists on this vast internet, but I thought this one was odd. But! I’m certainly not a person who turns down an assignment; so ahead we list which Marvel title characters probably rank the worst, in odor.
[We said “rank the characters in order,” not “odor.” –ed.]
9. Doctor Strange
Dr. Stephen Strange seems very well groomed and, judging from his posh Manhattan apartment, I bet only keeps the finest toiletries on hand. I feel confident in saying that Dr. Stephen Strange is probably the best-smelling hero in the MCU. I bet when he enters a room, people say, “Wait, what’s that nice soap smell? Oh, I see, Stephen Strange just walked in. I wish I could smell as good as he does. Maybe someday I, too, will purchase expensive soaps.”
8. Iron Man
Tony Stark, like Stephen Strange, is someone I can only assume likes to smell as nice as he looks. The tricky part here is that Stark does a lot of his work in an iron suit. But there’s just no way that Tony’s Iron Man suit isn’t equipped with a refreshing climate control – it’s probably a lot like driving a Maserati. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a mini shower in that suit – or at least some kind of fragranced mist. Regardless, there’s no way Tony Stark smells.
7. Spider-Man
For all I know, Peter Parker stinks to high heaven. But he’s just a kid and no kid can smell that much, right?
6. Thor
This is tough. Asgard looks like a place that would smell nice and everyone looks like they are in great shape and seems to take pride in their appearance. But then again, Asgard could be one of those places where someone like Thor wants people to “smell his scent.” I have met people like this. People who don’t wear underarm deodorant and think that the smell that comes out of an armpit is “natural and healthy.” The more I think about it, the more I’m willing to bet Thor is one of these kinds of beings. I bet Thor plays a pickup game of basketball or joust (or whatever) then goes around sticking his dirty pits into people’s faces and saying things like, “Smell the scent of victory!” No thanks, Thor.
5. Captain America
I have no doubt that Steve Rogers bathes regularly and doesn’t subject people to smelling his armpits, but there’s no way that Captain America’s suit doesn’t stink – especially in The First Avenger. His newer suits are a little more streamlined, but it just has the appearance of something that probably smells pretty bad by the end of the day. Though, I suspect he feels bad about it and he loses some sleep at night.
4. Ant-Man
Ant-Man should do himself a favor and turn that shower on. When Ant-Man shrinks, he still has the strength of a normal-sized human – so it’s fair to assume he still sweats like a normal-sized human. And this was kind of addressed with Captain America’s uniform, but no Marvel Cinematic Universe costume looks smellier than Ant-Man’s costume. I bet that think reeks from a mile away. There is no way that thing “breathes.” Scott Lang? More like ‘Scott, dang you stink.”
3. Hulk
There’s no way Hulk doesn’t smell like a walking landfill.
2. The Avengers
I mean, they are going to smell worse all together then apart, right? (Though, as an aside, Hawkeye and Black Widow have two superhero costumes that don’t look like they smell that bad.) This is probably why Hulk punched Thor near the end of the first Avengers, because the smell of both of them combined was just too much, even for Hulk.
1. Guardians of the Galaxy
Fine, there’s a good chance that Peter Quill and Gamora smell pleasant enough. I’m sure The Milano has a shower. But there’s absolutely no way both Drax and Rocket aren’t the worst-smelling things in the galaxy. Could you even imagine riding around on a spaceship with them? That must be absolute torture. And this is before we add in the fact that who knows what Groot smells like? I bet he’s not one of those nice-smelling trees. I bet he’s a stinky tree. But whatever! I’m willing to concede Groot might not have much of a smell at all and the Guardians of the Galaxy still, without question, rank the worst.
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