Voiced by Ted and Ted 2 writer and director Seth McFarlane, Ted is a loveable, yet crass, anthropomorphic teddy bear who was brought to life by the combination of a young boy’s wish and a shooting star. Once given the gift of voice, Ted parlays his brief celebrity into a blissful, go-nowhere life of beer and marijuana alongside his best friend, John (Mark Wahlberg). Eventually, Ted meets up with the girl of his dreams and he strives to start a family — as you can see, when it comes to loudmouthed stuffed animals, there is no better role model when you’re looking to lead a kick-ass life. And so, with the holiday party season all up in our collective grills, it seemed like a good time to comb through Ted and Ted 2 (which is available on DVD/Blu-ray on December 15) to find lines that will help you be the life of the party in a way that would do Ted proud.
“Here’s something I call a dirty Fozzy.”
The best part of a line like this is the fact you can use it in almost any situation, particularly if you find yourself at the bar with an unlimited supply of peach schnapps. After all, it’s a party, so mix up a few cocktails and get creative naming them. Just remember to keep it in context, and unlike Ted, remember not to take it too far.
“Let’s just find a better place to get stoned.”
A very important strategy to keep in mind at any party, like when Ted and John are simply looking for a quiet place where they can both avoid Ted’s creepy stalker Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) and smoke a little in peace. Having this kind of thoughtful initiative can put you in an important position as an essential element to the party.
“I got so much energy. We better start doing stupid sh*t.”
A perfect pre-game rallying cry for when there’s so much anticipation for the partying you’re about to do that you simply can’t stand it. Also acceptable in the moments after you meet Flash Gordon star Sam Jones anywhere in nature.
“Hashtag grrrrMondays!”
This is another good go-to for any kind of work-related holiday party that you find yourself attending. Think of it as taking what Garfield started and making it relevant to the digital age. If you use it right, you could find yourself the office hero on the days there isn’t a party as well.
“Can you just email me the rest of the story?”
This one may not only earn you some laughs, but it’s a solid way to get out of having to listen to someone’s rambling story. Although it could also mean your inbox has an unread and really long email explaining how the rest of the story went the next business day.
“You look like a Kardashian!”
The real benefit of using a line like this is watching how the person you use it on reacts, because then you’ll then know exactly where they stand on the Kardashians, which is an important thing to know about someone. And hopefully when you use it, it’s in much less traumatic circumstances than what John goes through to prompt this reaction out of Ted.
“Three words, 11 letters, say it and I’m yours. ‘Let’s get high.'”
Again, a powerful line if used correctly, but one you’ll want to remain a little selective about who you use it around, for obvious reasons. Although when used in the right company, it can help cement your status as a true life of the party, particularly when you deliver it with the same snarky honesty that Ted does.
“Hashtag, sh*t happens.”
Depending on how the first reference to hashtags was received, don’t be afraid to keep riffing on it, just like Ted did when he closed down the second movie with these immortal words. Forrest Gump may have inadvertently invented the phrase, but Ted, as always, perfected it. It may mean you’re pegged as ‘the hashtag guy’ for a while, but that just means you’ve made an impression, and that you’re well on your way to becoming the life of the party.
Ted 2 comes out on DVD/Blu-ray on December 15.
