If you’ve been following movie theater business news lately then you have read about the AMC situation. Initially, new CEO Adam Aron broached the idea of testing cell phone friendly theaters to appeal to the millennial/gen Z crowd, who have apparently fused their phones to their left arms like adolescent Robocops. A few days later, he backpedaled a little and emphasized it was just a test idea. Then, he threw caution to the wind and did an abrupt about face with dramatic caps:
With your advice in hand, there will be NO TEXTING ALLOWED in any of the auditoriums at AMC Theatres. Not today, not tomorrow and not in the foreseeable future.
So, that’s settled. But in the realm of movie theater annoyances and sacrileges, texting is barely worthy of note. Instead, let’s focus on behaviors that are truly terrible and much more common.
Extreme PDA
Only an ogre would object to sweet, chaste kisses as a young couple waits for a movie to begin. But, when that escalates to full face sucking, panting, smicky smacky spitty lip sounds, it’s time to spray offenders with a hose until they separate. Also, if you are engaging in any activity with the word “job” in the name, you need to stop. Hands and mouths to yourself, people. Get an alley.
Answering the Phone
Nothing is better in a movie than hearing the sentence “I can’t talk; I am in the movies” repeated with growing volume until the caller can hear what is being said. If you can’t talk, don’t answer the stupid phone. And if you do, people should be allowed to take it from you, find your mom’s number, and call her to tell her about the garbage person she birthed and raised.
Late Arrivals
You know what glows brighter than a cell phone screen? The damn light coming in through the theater door, and when a parade of latecomers has to open it over and over again, it’s like a punishing spotlight. Next, people who haven’t adjusted to the dark attempt to climb over the people who arrived on time. And, those late jerks almost always drop food and spill soda while they straddle your lap. Worst lap dance ever.
Talking
There isn’t anything wrong with yelling at the screen. Seriously. If she shouldn’t go through the door, you need to tell her. But, what you don’t need to do is have a lengthy unrelated conversation. People don’t pay fifteen bucks to listen to you detail your work grievance while a film plays in the background. It would be better for you to exercise your personal demons via text; that can at least be blocked out.
Smelly Food
Some people can barely sneak a box of Goobers past the bag check at the ticket counter. How, then, do people smuggle in hoagies, chowder, sushi, roast chickens, and other odor-challenged food? It’s like smell-o-vision from Hell. The climactic scene begins, the music swells, and you are slapped in the face by the fragrance of tunafish and pickles.
Eating Like A Slob
Yes, popcorn is a mainstay of the cinema experience. Fine. But, there isn’t any reason to shove it in your face like a deranged cookie monster and then to chomp it all down while corn shrapnel sprays out of your gaping maw hitting whoever is within a 10-foot radius. Wait until a fight scene or a music montage, but don’t chew over quiet dialogue like some kind of masticating monster. You can text your heart out if you don’t eat near me.
