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Previously on the Best and Worst of NXT UK: Everyone took off their shoes to express their hatred of Zack Gibson, Stratford-upon-Maven won a match, and British El Generico fought Welsh Rhyno in the train station to Hell.
This week we got two new episodes back-to-back, so if you’d like to watch them, you can do so here and here. If you’d like to read previous installments of the Best and Worst of NXT, click right here. Follow With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
And now, the third edition of Best and Worst of NXT UK, covering episodes three and four, for October 31, 2018.
Worst, But Then Best: Great Value Sheamus
Before I give him a few compliments, I want to give a hearty Worst to Sam Gradwell (pictured). You may remember him as the guy who had the worst match in round one of the original United Kingdom Championship tournament and got shit-kicked by Pete Dunne for his troubles.
He’s back, but now he’s leveled up to become the Store Brand Celtic Warrior. Look at him, he’s got the pasty skin, the gear, even the mohawk. His entrance video flashes a big white screen behind him. Even the WWE Fan Nation thumbnail for his match video is him doing a Brogue Kick. When the Ultimate Warrior won’t sign with WCW you get The Ultimate Renegade, and when Sheamus doesn’t want to go be four times larger than everyone in the NXT UK division, you get Sam Gradwell.
The good news for Gradwell is that he’s in the ring against this week’s WWE Network MVP, Danny Burch. If you read the Best and Worst of NXT Domestic column, you’ll know Burch as one half of Oney and Twoey (he’s Twoey). If you prefer, he’s one half of Reddy and Bluey. He’s better known as Martin Stone, a 15-year veteran who is sorta like if you smashed Oney Lorcan and Tye Dillinger together in all the best ways. Burch owns, and if Pete Dunne wasn’t on this brand I’d say he was the best guy they had.
I REALLY enjoyed this match with Gradwell, because (like any good Sheamus match, hilariously) they beat the SHIT out of each other. It felt less like a bunch of rehearsed “okay now YOU’RE in control” pro wrestling stuff we generally suspend disbelief to accept and more like what it might look like if pro wrestling was still ridiculous, but at least bordering on real. A lot of absorbing blows instead of no-selling, which is a very fine line. The strikes connected, the pace remained uneasy to keep you invested, and Burch won with a one-man version of the Oney and Twoey elevated DDT that absolutely sent Gradwell straight to Hell.
Really good stuff, and if they’re building to Burch vs. Dunne in some regard I am all the way the fuck in.
Secondary plan: Shave Aiden English’s head and bring him in to tag with Gradwell as the fake Cesaro. He’d fit in, he’s English!
Worst: Anglo Saxon
If you’re trying to remember who Gradwell faced in that underwhelming United Kingdom Championship tournament match, don’t worry, he’s on this episode, too: it’s Saxon Huxley, a man who proves I can dislike someone nicknamed “Muscle Cat” and answers the question, “what would it look like if Bruiser Brody was a millennial and went to TNA?” He’s like one of the Forgotten Sons was forgotten in the Savage Land.
He loses to Trent Seven, who you know well as the well-meaning hipster dad who is bad with his laundry in Mustache Mountain, and who I just noticed is terrible at high-fiving people at ringside. He’s doing it, but instead of normally high-fiving them he kinda … palm strikes people’s hands? It’s weird. He’s like a cat swatting at a toy. This is “Rusev doesn’t know how to wave a flag properly” levels of nitpicking, I know, I don’t care, I just noticed it.
Best: P.S. Mustache Mountain Is Great
Huxley returns in episode four to team up with Sam Gradwell in another losing effort to Mustache Mountain, and I’m VERY pleased that NXT UK is adopting NWA World Championship Wrestling’s love of introducing jobbers, then having the jobbers randomly team up. Gradwell and Huxley are like the villains in a pre-Sam Raimi Spider-Man Marvel movie. They should form a posse with the Wild Boar. Call themselves the London Dungeon of Doom.
I want to make sure I give a Best to Mustache Mountain, though, so you don’t think I’m taking them for granted. They’re special, and everybody knows it. It’s not a unique thought. Tyler Bate is awesome on his own, but he really shines in a tag team where he’s an abnormally strong little boy who must stick up for his weird dying dad. It’s a unique, irreplaceable, singular tag team vibe, like back when Kevin Steen and El Generico were teaming. They set their own precedent, you know?
Anyway, Mustache Mountain as NXT UK’s first Tag Team Champions with those spaghetti dinner plate belts they announced is such a lay-up I’m almost afraid they won’t do it. Just do it, it’s fine.
Not Really Sure: The Flash Morgan Webster Saga
The only angle they’ve done so far that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me involves Flash Morgan Webster, Mark Andrews, the Coffey Brothers, Wolfgang, and that gigantic pile of resentment from the Coffeys’ attack at Royal Albert Hall back in June.
Okay, so in episode one, Webster faces Mark Coffey in a good back-and-forth match pitting Webster’s innovative cruiserweight offense against Coffey’s “what would happen if both members of The Revival were Dash Wilder” bruiser style. Joe Coffey’s at ringside and keeps trying to distract and interfere, because that’s what they do. When Webster gets a flash pin (get it), the Coffeys attack en mass. That is also wordplay! Mark “Mandrews” Andrews and pro wrestling’s Steve Stamkos, Travis Banks, make the save.
In the next episode, Banks is supposed to have a match against Wolfgang, but concerned NXT grandpa Johnny Saint finds him beaten up and wants to know who is responsible. Because he doesn’t watch the shows, I guess?
wots all this then
Mandrew Andrews shows up and is like, “hey it was definitely the guys everyone thinks it is, let me fight Wolfgang instead,” and Saint agrees. Loosely related note, I’m really sad we can’t have an NXT Canada and let Don Leo Jonathan be the GM now. I’m also like 50% sure this isn’t actually Johnny Saint, but William Regal in old man makeup playing Johnny Saint like the actor who played Dario Cueto on Lucha Underground playing his own dad in season four.
Wolfgang Is Back Causing Mass Destruction
Anyway, Manandrews gets his match and wins, because as big and tough as Wolfgang appears to be, he’s sure not scheduled to win any matches. Also, shout-out to Mark Andrews for having the highest arcing shooting star press in the damn world, even if it’s not entirely accurate and turns into a diving arm-drop.
When it’s over, Wolfgang and Mananandrews have a show of respect, which is nice. Dash Wilder and Dash Wilder with a man bun do a run-in to attack Andrews, and Wolfgang stops on the ramp to be like, “hey wait a minute, I RESPECT that guy, you shouldn’t do that to him!” Flash Morgan Webster runs in to help out the guy who helped HIM out in the previous episode, but gets beaten down. That gets Wolfgang into the ring finally, to … beat up Webster and Andrews. Because those nWo Wolfgang jokes I keep making aren’t just jokes, they’re prophecy.
So now I guess we have the little skinny guy team against the big thick guy team, which either makes this NXT UK, or Ice Hockey for the NES.
Best: Shoes Your Own Adventure
The main event of episode one — and probably the best match on NXT UK TV so far — is Liverpool’s #1 Zack Gibson against 205 Live’s #8 or 9, Noam Dar.
The easiest way I can describe it is that it’s a lot like AJ Styles vs. Daniel Bryan from this week’s Smackdown Live. I’d do a “wow they must’ve watched this Gibson vs. Dar match early and decided to do it” bit if it wasn’t an extremely logical and easy way to put together an exciting back-and-forth wrestling match. The basic idea is that each man has a goal; Gibson wants to destroy Dar’s arm so he can tap him out to the “Shankly Gates”, while Dar wants to wear out Gibson’s knee so he can submit him with the Champagne Super Kneebar. I’d make fun of those names if Mark Andrews didn’t keep using something called the “Stun-dog Millionaire,” which is barely even wordplay.
Gibson rules because he comes prepackaged with a ton of animosity and loud hatred from the crowd, and he succeeds as kind of a natural heel Sami Zayn, jacket and all. He’s what a heel Zayn should be: a self-obsessed and probably overconfident jerk who is really good at pro wrestling, and is probably going to beat you at it whether you like it or not. As opposed to what WWE actually turned Zayn into, which was “ineffective coward #2.” It’s also great to see Dar actually get to be a personality beyond Weird Foreign Boyfriend, and to play to his strengths in long, submission-centered matches. It’s kind of a bummer that there are so few contrasting styles on the brand so far, because like NXT proper, they’re really good at playing to their performers’ strengths.
I’m a little bummed that unlike Styles/Bryan, the match spent all that time working on the limbs and then had a slam end the match, ESPECIALLY since it was set up with Dar missing a double stomp and tweaking his knee to leave him open. The knee was Gibson’s! Still, I have to remind myself not to be an obsessive nitpicker and understand that yeah, you might spend the entire match going for a submission with limb-specific work, but if you see a big opening like that to hit a big move, you should take it. Ugh, stupid rational thought. You make wrestling reviews harder!
Worst: Give Jinny Her Last Name
Both episodes feature fashion-themed vignettes for Jinny — the lady with the great bone structure who got rekt by eventual Mae Young Classic winner Toni Storm in round one of this year’s tournament — with threats like, and I’m paraphrasing, “if you don’t look fashionable when you’re in the ring with me I’ll teach you a lesson about fashion, by which I mean I will BEAT YOU UP.”
Jinny (the wrestler’s) full name is “Jinny Couture,” but WWE dropped the “Couture” for some reason. So now her name is just “Jenny,” like she’s a Diva Search contestant. If you’re gonna drop Couture but keep the fashion gimmick, you’ve gotta give her SOMETHING to work with. FEAR ME, FOR I AM JINNY isn’t going to work. I guess everything fashion related is trademarked, but shit, call her Jinny Maxxinista or something, I don’t care.
Also On The Second Episode
We get our introduction to another Mae Young Classic competitor who got knocked out in round one of this year’s tournament, Isla Dawn. I know her best as “Meowmie” from Aleister Black’s cats’ Instagram. If you (1) didn’t know Aleister Black’s Dutch occultist ass loves schmooping over cats, (2) didn’t know Aleister Black ran an Instagram for his cats from their point of view where he calls himself “Cetded” and his girlfriend “Meowmie,” or (3) know this and aren’t following the dude’s adorable cats on Instagram, correct all of that [gestures wildly].
Dawn is an interesting character, because she’s supposed to be a “modern day witch,” but she doesn’t really do anything witchy. Like literally everyone else on the show, her style is, “I know some submissions and my strikes are hard!” She also does that Barker’s Beauties taunt they give women without personalities in the WWE video games (see above), and all her introduction video really did was inform an American southerner that it’s kinda hard to understand a Scottish person with a speech impediment. I would very much like to love Isla Dawn, so can we like … let her do some witch shit? I want her to be a Sanderson sister, not just a pale lady who gets called a witch because her boyfriend teleports around via Satanic magic.
She gets a relatively quick and not especially impressive win over Nina Samuels, apparently the go-to female enhancement talent for the brand. Like I said though, I’m ready to give all my love to Meowmie as soon as I can find a reason.
Finally we have Jordan Devlin defeating Tucker, the man, and his dream in a handicap match. They should really have Velveteen Dream visit the United Kingdom and team up with Tucker once so I can validate that joke.
The focus here is Devlin, a student of Finn Bálor who looks and acts and kinda wrestles like Finn Bálor, but has put a lot of work into changing that perception and being his own man. So it’s kind of hard to hear the NXT UK announce team tell us how he’s his own man while constantly referencing Finn Bálor. And yes, I think he should show up as The Demon just so I can make a joke about how Jordan is Devil’n.
Devlin wins by getting his knees up on a Swanton from the extremely Create-A-Superstar-looking Tucker and hits the Convoluted Driver for the three. Devlin is super into grabbing the Irish flag on his trunks and aggressively pointing at it, which could be hilarious if it was sewn on like three inches to the left.
That’s it for this week’s two-episode special edition column. Make sure you drop down into the comments and let us know what you think about NXT UK so far, who you like the most and the least, and where you think this is all going. And hey, share the column around if you want me to keep writing them, because I’d really like to get through these introductory episodes and know who everybody is.
See you next week for …
oh shit Pete Dunne vs. Danny Burch
