Skip Bayless, sports media’s most unexplainable successful person, has departed ESPN’s First Take to join Fox Sports for many millions of dollars. That leaves Stephen A. Smith in need of a new co-host with which to discuss uneducated, sexist, stupid and ignorant opinions while most people are at work.
Who will be there to nod and furrow their brow when Stephen A. is defending the Floyd Mayweathers and Ray Rices of the world? When Stephen A. is rambling about wanting to fight someone that said a mean thing about him, who will be across from him, encouraging his moronic, tough-guy persona?
There’s a report from Awful Announcing that Max Kellerman will take the role, but can’t we do better?
With that in mind, here are what I feel would be excellent choices to replace Bayless and give First Take the upgrade it needs.
1. Danny Kanell
Pros: Replacing an older guy (Bayless is 64) with a younger version (Kanell is 42) is a tried and true version of TV problem solving, like when Three’s Company replaced Suzanne Somers with Jenilee Harrison, who is 10 years younger. The thread between all four is they said dumb things on TV for money. Kanell already works for ESPN and the cost for ESPN to stock his wardrobe is probably miniscule, seeing as how you can get turtlenecks for around $15 at Kohl’s.
Cons: Is Kanell too on the nose to replace Bayless? As far as a history of hot takes, Kanell has endorsed the Broncos intentionally injuring Tom Brady in last season’s AFC title game and doesn’t think college athletes should be paid. That’s more Triple-A stuff than major-league ability, but maybe he can raise his game around a legend like Stephen A.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: You know I don’t like turtlenecks, Danny. And you know why? Because it tells me you won’t stick your neck out for a teammate and I am your teammate. You know who else wore turtlenecks? Hitler.
Danny: You know who the real Hitler is? Kids who want to be paid for playing college football.
Stephen: [nods]
2. Lyanna Mormont
Pros: The Lady Mormont has already proven to be a wise leader and shown the ability to sway a room with an argument. And wouldn’t it be nice, after all these years, for someone on the show to act like an adult with a little maturity?
Cons: She seems like she’s on the verge of murdering someone. Like, if Stephen A. says to her, “Lady Mormont, you know you’re a great leader, but would it hurt if you smiled a little more?” she may stab him in the gut with her sword or trample him on her horse.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: I am a proponent of most of the causes the gay community has fought for. And I think that it’s wrong how they’ve been prejudiced against. But having said all that, I think it’s important to recognize that that doesn’t mean you have a right to people being comfortable with you.
Lady Mormont: [glares at him for 30 seconds, which would be her entire role on every episode]
3. Drunk Ben Affleck
Pros: Drunk Ben Affleck makes for compelling television. At any time, he could slip into the Batman voice while arguing about why the Patriots should have won the Super Bowl when they were 18-1. There’s also potential for him to lose interest and stare off into space while Stephen A. is talking, and we all need GIFs.
Cons: There might be too much agreement.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: You know Tom Brady deflated those balls! You know it, Ben Affleck. He cheated!
Ben: [lunges across the table, grabs Stephen A. by the collar] Do you bleed?
Stephen: You know I bleed!
4. Bomani Jones
Pros: Everything.
Cons: Nothing.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: [after rambling for 45 minutes about the decline of journalism because he was misquoted in a story that was from The Onion] … it’s preposterous!
Bomani: [looking at his cellphone, in tears from laughing as he reads The Onion story for a seventh time]
5. Bill Simmons
Pros: Already hates everyone that still works at ESPN, so he won’t hold back in the slightest. A shift from HBO to ESPN means we will no longer have to repeatedly see his HBO commercial where he says that thing about soup.
Cons: There’s no way he can work The Karate Kid into every debate in a new way at this point. His hate for Stephen A. will likely spill over into hate for other ESPN things and get him fired real quickly and land him on Cinemax or Starz.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: I don’t see the white guys getting called out for smoking weed. You put a shot of all these guys smoking weed, that got busted for it… all of them, practically all of them…. black, black, black, black, black. Blowing millions for some weed? Really?
Bill: Daniel LaRusso didn’t need weed, as he got high on karate, sort of like how my buddy House gets a high from playing blackjack.
6. Donald Trump
Pros: Has spent a better part of the past two years unintentionally auditioning for the role by standing in front of cameras and saying wildly inflammatory, mostly untrue things. Rush Limbaugh going from idiot political commentator to ESPN didn’t work, but the bar has been so lowered in the past decade that First Take is ready for Trump.
Cons: This is a very bad idea.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: I’m just looking at it, and I’m saying to myself, alright, I’m not going to accuse you of using performance-enhancing supplements, drugs, whatever you want to call them, but I will say that you shouldn’t just be laughing at those who are looking at you and saying, “Excuse me, what the hell is going on here?”
Donald: Let me tell you. My people have told me where to get the best steroids, okay? The best steroids are made here in America by American workers, let me tell you. Trump Steroids are the strongest, best steroids and people are always telling me they love them. I’ll inject some right now. [Trump injects himself with Trump Steroids]. Look how strong I am, okay? It’s sad, okay? It’s sad that Jake Arrieta would [Trump collapses on the set of First Take and dies].
Stephen: How did my life get to this point?
7. A Freshly Heated Bucket Of Bob Ley’s Feces
Pros: ESPN would only be on the hook for a bucket from Home Depot ($7), the cost of gas to heat the stove for a few minutes (32 cents) and reimbursing Bob for his work-related expense of breakfast ($11). Bob’s feces will bring an air of prestige to the show that was otherwise lacking with Bayless and improve the previous level of discourse.
Cons: Would Bob be willing to lower himself to allowing his feces to sit across from Stephen A. for an hour a day? What about the stage crew that has to mic up the bucket every day? Finding suits that fit the bucket properly won’t be easy.
Potential conversation:
Stephen: I think that just talking about what guys shouldn’t do, we got to also make sure that you can do your part to do whatever you can do to make, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen.
Bob Ley’s Feces: [gurgles for 30 seconds, proves Stephen A.’s point about victim blaming is wrong and bad]
