This week’s one-man celebration of the greatest Spring Break moments takes us, fittingly, to Ft. Myers Beach, where people have been partying all this week in honor of the Florida Gulf Coast University Eagles. But this delightful moment takes us back to 2010, before FGCU was on the national radar and Ft. Myers Beach was just a place where angry white kids went to vent their frustrations.
Studying for med school was taking its toll on Tyler Roosevelt, so much that his roommate and best friend, Chipper Longbottom, was dying for Spring Break to arrive so they could leave Princeton for a few days and get a little R&R in down in the sun and sand of the quiet hamlet known as Ft. Myers Beach. Chipper, that nefarious prankster, hadn’t filled Tyler in on his Spring Break roadtrip plan as of yet, but soon enough they’d be doing what the state college kids referred to as “partaying”.
When Tyler returned from class that day, Chipper had left a present for him on his bed. “Whatever could this be,” Tyler thought to himself, examining the small-but-long package with the glittery bow. Carefully removing the wrapping paper, Tyler discovered that it was a bottle of spray suntan lotion. “Chipper, you scamp,” Tyler shouted across their dormitory residence, “what have you gotten us into?” Chipper just smiled, dangling the keys to his BMW X5 from his pointer finger, before finally shouting, “ROAD TRIP!”
Not even 24 hours later, Tyler and Chipper were unpacking their Wm. J. Mills & Co. duffle bags so they could hit the beach sans school drama. They both had their Kindle Fires fully charged so they could finish reading The Help and maybe The Girl Who Played with Fire if there was time. But heck, on this beautiful of a day? Tyler really wanted to build a sandcastle.
So armed with nothing but his creativity and his amateur sculpting tools, Tyler found a nice spot on the beach and set out to reconstruct his favorite 11th century Scottish castle, Banff, how he imagined it would have looked during King Edward’s visit in 1296. “What a day that must have been,” Tyler chuckled, as he traced an outline of the moat in the sand. But then much like that legendary castle, Tyler’s laughter and joy were demolished by a heartless rogue.
An errantly thrown football made quick work of Tyler’s sand castle, causing him to experience a spike in that med school stress he’d been trying so desperately to forget. It was then that Tyler remembered how some street toughs had once acted on an episode of Family Matters, and he simply lost control of his rationality with a rant for the ages.
BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WILL TOTALLY F*CK YOU UP, BRO! ANY OF YOU, I’M A F*CKING MAN, BROS! WHO CALLED ME A P*SSY, I WILL BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF YOU ALL AND SHOW YOU HOW MUCH OF A P*SSY I AM! NOBODY F*CKS WITH ME! I WEAR BOXER SHORTS WITH MY BOARD SHORTS BECAUSE MY D*CK IS HUGE! I’M WEARING SOCKS AND SHOES ON THE BEACH BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GIVE A F*CK! I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE IN FLORIDA! ALL OF YOU! NOBODY F*CKS WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A MAN! LOOK AT THESE ARMS! I DON’T WEAR A SHIRT BECAUSE I’M SO SWOLE, BRO! I ALMOST GOT A TATTOO ONCE! WHY ARE MY PARENTS SUCH D*CKS! I WISH MY GIRLFRIEND DIDN’T LAUGH AT ME AFTER WE HAD SEX! YO BRO, YOU LAUGHING AT ME? I WILL KICK THE LIVING SH*T OUT OF YOU! GOD I AM SO F*CKING ANGRY AND AWESOME I WILL KISS MY BRO I MEAN KILL EVERYONE!
Fortunately, Chipper returned from buying Italian ices in time to stop Tyler from making the mistake of his life, and they walked away to find another spot to build his sandcastle.
Where Are They Now: Tyler was accepted to Johns Hopkins School of Medicine later that year, and once he’d received the amazing news, he went to New York City for a weekend to celebrate with Chipper and some friends. Tyler had a little too much to drink, though, and ended up sneaking into the Bronx Zoo, where he was viciously mauled by a tiger.
