Though it lacks the pageantry of Opening Day and the thrill of watching Spring Training games after a winter of being starved for baseball (go with me here), Photo Day is a fun ritual, wherein teams hire a photographer to snap pictures of their players right after they report to camp. Those pictures are then sifted through by people like me in an effort to find the strangest and goofiest images, but while some of those are amazing this year, they don’t compare to the bold and splendid facial hair trends that are about to hit the field.
So, with that in mind, here is a look at some of the best and most interesting mustaches and beards in baseball.
Matt Shoemaker
Matt Shoemaker has a career 5.38 ERA at the Triple A level, but came out of nowhere to win 16 games for the Angels last season. Was black magic a part of his renewed repertoire? I don’t know, but Shoemaker’s beard is dark and full of terrors.
Jack Murphy
The spirit of Don Mattingly’s mustache walks with Jack Murphy. Not Don Mattingly’s bat — Murphy is a lifetime .246 hitter with 37 homers in six minor league seasons — but the stache and that long, “get suspended from Mr. Burns’ company softball team” haircut, he’s got. He’s also had the stache for a few seasons, so this isn’t some kind of off-season facial hair lark.
Evan Gattis
Evan Gattis is a 6’4″ 260-pound mountain of a man who hits 400-foot home runs barehanded. He should be allowed to wear plaid at the plate and roam the outfield beside his blue ox. Despite his presence at the plate and in life, though, the Astros clearly traded for Gattis’ beard in January and got the rest of him as a throw-in.
Brian Schlitter
If left unchecked, Brian Schlitter’s beard will only expand and overtake us all. Newbie commissioner Rob Manfred seems eager to put his stamp on the game now that Bud Selig is gone, why not impose a beard length limit or at least some kind of braiding policy?
Jason Heyward
Most Best Beard lists fixate completely on long and full beards, and they’re great, but I gotta show some love for the tidy close-cropped beard, and Jason Heyward has that look down. Remember, you’re not just rocking that beard on the baseball field of battle, you’ve got soup eating and lady-kissing to do and it’s hard to do that effectively when you look like Sweetums the Muppet.
Kevin Quackenbush
I like Padres’ relief pitcher Kevin Quackenbush’s hillbilly beard, but I love this contemplative photograph of him. Which one is the reflection? Which is the real Quackenbush? #DeepThoughts
Baseball’s Most Disappointing Facial Hair: R.A. Dickey
R.A. Dickey is an impressive guy who discovered career relevancy thanks to the knuckleball when he was in his mid-30s and once climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. But while that makes him interesting, Dickey’s facial hair is boring. If you’re a 40-year-old knuckleballer with a greying beard, you need to get creative with that thing. Break out the wax and curl the corners of that stache, go full Seneca Crane from The Hunger Games, or find something wholly original. Just mix it up.
Bearded Team Of The Year: The Washington Nationals
The Boston Red Sox always get love when people talk about the best bearded team in baseball. But despite the sharpness of David Ortiz’ stache-less beard (emulated and adored by the likes of Robinson Cano and Pablo Sandoval), Mike Napoli’s fur beast, and the scrappy stubble of Dustin Pedroia, they can’t top the Nationals.
Just look at that variety. Bryce Harper is only 22, so bless the effort, but Kevin Frandsen (top corner right) is playing at another level and Anthony Rendon’s goatee is 90s R&B group tight. If you really want to talk about facial hair dominance in 2015, though, Danny Espinosa’s Rod Beck-esque fu-manchu is where it’s at.
Espinosa has struggled at the plate over the last two seasons, but I believe in my heart that the spirit of a bare-knuckled boxer will watch over him. And if the whole baseball thing doesn’t work out, I’m pretty confident that we can crowdfund The Adventures of Young Wilford Brimley as a starring vehicle for him.
