Sports

A Brief History Of Nathan Peterman, AKA The Peter Man, As Told By ESPN’s ‘High Noon’


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Nathan Peterman is not a professional quarterback. Do not make the mistake of assuming just because he’s been given a Buffalo Bills uniform and multiple opportunities to take snaps that he is fit to wear it. He simply should not be out there, but for some reason Sean McDermott and the Bills insist on letting the worst quarterback since the AFL and NFL were different leagues to go under center and screw it all up.

Peterman is one of the most baffling NFL stories in recent memory, and somehow a more embarrassing anecdote for the Bills than the guy who retired halfway through a football game. Vontae Davis realized he had enough and hit the eject button, while The Peter Man just keeps coming back for more.

Peterman’s latest blowup happened against the Houston Texans on Sunday after he had temporarily given the Bills the lead on a nice touchdown throw to Zay Jones. After Houston tied it, however, the Peter Man cometh to throw a pick-six to give Houston the lead in the final two minutes and served up another interception to end Buffalo’s flaccid comeback attempt.

Every time the Peter Man takes the field it ends in disaster. The only game he hasn’t immediately thrown into the trash took place a snow-covered hellscape in which he was knocked out of the game with a concussion. He once had five interceptions in a half and hilariously blew up in Buffalo’s season opener before being thrust back into turnover service after Allen’s injury. The stats here for an ever-expanding sample size are nothing short of stupendous.

One show that’s taken special note of the Peter Man is ESPN’s High Noon, in which Bomani Jones and Pablo Torre are insistent, along with anyone who has watched Nate Peterman go supernova, that he shouldn’t be allowed to play pro football anymore. When Peterman was benched earlier in the season for Allen, they held a moment of silence for the Peter Man, explaining that he had done all the Peter Man can.

However, on Sunday he was thrown back into the fire where disaster struck again, but that might not stop it from happening again on Sunday, as rookie quarterback Josh Allen has an elbow injury that’s expected to keep him on the shelf for a few weeks. Allen has struggled and routinely throws at his wide receivers’ ankles or perhaps the invisible football men riding on their broad shoulders, but those errant passes are better than the gifts delivered via priority shipping to the hands of the other team’s defenders. The Peter Man was back, and High Noon once again had to address the situation.

“He had the full-on realization in that moment that he had no business playing quarterback in the NFL,” Jones said. “Because he was just like ‘Yo, football can’t define me. Who I am as a football player can’t define me. Because if it did define me it would make me the worst person ever.’”

Torre described the situation as “a living Groundhog Day nightmare” where he cannot get cut and continues to go out and fail. And that’s not very far from the truth! Bills coach Sean McDermott continues to defend a player that’s shaping up to be the worst quarterback in the history of modern football.

No one’s in a position to win in Buffalo despite a stellar defense, and that’s entirely the fault of those who drafted the Peter Man and refused to find another alternative at quarterback as he continues to hand out roster bonuses to cornerbacks. As the situation in Buffalo gets worse, though, and it becomes a choice between recently-vacationing Derek Anderson and the Peter Man, the High Noon folks are only getting more exasperated.

And just so you don’t get it twisted, Jones has clarified on Twitter that he’s not making fun of the Peter Man. He’s celebrating the Peter Man he’s become.

Nathan Peterman and the Bills are a national laughingstock, and High Noon is certainly having its fun, but every Peter Man start is a gift. One that sounds like it’s ticking, or maybe glowing green and you definitely shouldn’t try to get through airport security anytime soon.

UPDATE: Derek Anderson, who the Bills signed just a few days ago, will start at QB this weekend for the Bills. However, the Peter Man remains on the roster, lurking in the shadows.

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