As our republic potentially careens toward an authoritarian dictatorship that will cause the world to descend into madness, we have chosen to ignore this reality and focus on a mustachioed man with a porn star name — Ken Bone. Yes, it’s been two days since he asked a question at the second presidential debate, but we continue to cling to him as a flotation device in a sea of crippling despair.
Today’s news from The Bone Zone: He once served as an equipment manager for the LSU baseball team, according to the team’s current hitting coach, Andy Cannizaro. Shut up, it’s relevant sports news and you are glad to be reading this.
Not only was Ken Bone handling bats, gloves and jock straps, but he did it the way he does everything — with joy.
This is some glowing praise from a former major leaguer. We’re two days into this and there hasn’t been a negative story from Ken Bone’s past, like he was once arrested for stealing peanuts at a circus or he’s delinquent on library books. He’s shaping up to be the No. 1 Halloween costume this year and there’s no stopping him.
What I can’t get past is the fact it’s mid-October and this Ken Bone fella remains undecided. Is he like that in real life? Like, when an LSU player’s glove broke in 1992, did Ken Bone stare at the gloves and bats for an hour trying to decide which the player needed at the moment? Did he ask a question to the manager in front of the whole team? “Hi, I’m Ken Bone, and my question is about equipment.”