It is Aug. 5, which means there is very little in the way of sports news going on right now. The WNBA regular season is entering it’s playoff push, but elsewhere there isn’t much happening. It’s still too early for baseball’s playoff race to really be captivating, the one month of actual offseason in the NBA is happening, and preseason NFL games just aren’t doing much for us.
There’s some excitement building for the college football season, but that’s still three weeks away and you can pretty much spit out every coach’s positive statements about preseason camp from a random quote generator with things like “compete” and “getting better every day” and “the kids are working their tails off.” This slow period in the sports calendar leaves time for the mind to wander and for Food Network to take over a larger portion of the television viewing schedule.
To combine our love of Food Network programming and college football we decided to take a look at two powerhouses from each and compare them. Iron Chef America is one of the flagship shows of the Food Network, and in college football the SEC is the most prestigious conference — even if some may argue both are beyond their glory days.
For this exercise Martin and I decided to find the equivalent current and former SEC head football coaches for each current and former Iron Chefs — with the exclusion of Mario Batali because, well, we all found out he’s a bad person. In the words of the chairman’s uncles … allez cuisine!
The Chairman — Verne Lundquist: Before we get to the actual Iron Chefs, we have to start here. Some may think Verne, the voice of the SEC for over a decade before retiring last year, would get the Alton Brown comp, but Verne is more The Chairman. Alton brings the technical expertise and in-depth commentary, while the Chairman presides over the proceedings as an ever-present, benevolent, and loving figurehead.
Alton Brown — Gary Danielson: Alton loves the X’s and O’s of cooking. Gary loves the X’s and O’s of football. Every once and awhile they even let Alton break out a telestrator on the broadcast and nerd out over some great execution of technique.
Bobby Flay — Steve Spurrier: Bobby Flay is a first-ballot Iron Chef Hall of Famer and he stuck around longer than most any of his contemporaries. He finally retired from Iron Chef competition after Iron Chef Showdown, but still sticks around the old yard with Beat Bobby Flay because he just can’t stay away, much like how Spurrier now has an office at Florida where he still pokes his head in to offer some advice and maybe, just maybe, get a taste of the thrill of competition again.
Wolfgang Puck — Vince Dooley: Puck only appeared on the Battle of the Masters season of Iron Chef America where he went 1-0, but he’s arguably the most legendary celebrity chef in the game. Dooley is a goddamn legend in the state of Georgia, leading the Dawgs to their most recent national championship in 1980. Towards the end of Dooley’s run as coach he took over as UGA’s athletic director, a position he held for 25 years, much like how Puck ran with the idea of being a celebrity chef and turned that into a massive empire of restaurants, cookbooks, frozen pizzas, and more.
Alex Guarnaschelli — Nick Saban: There’s no better program builder among the Iron Chefs than ICAG. She commands respect the second she walks into a room, and when she’s mad, she’s able to strike fear in the hearts of even the most confident chefs. Guarnaschelli completely owns the tough love approach, and is a lot funnier than she lets on, plus she has the hardware and accolades to back it up. She’s also the most ubiquitous presence on the Food Network, making Iron Chef America, Chopped, and Guys Grocery Games her stomping grounds, much like Saban is seemingly everywhere on the ‘crootin trail. Also, much like Saban with his assistants, she will lose her mind when time is being mismanaged on Chopped.
Masaharu Morimoto — Gus Malzahn: Morimoto’s record as an Iron Chef is only 60.2 percent, which I found stunning, but similar to Malzahn, when presented with the right ingredient, he’s downright unstoppable. Morimoto with fish is like Malzahn with a good mobile quarterback. They’re gonna beat you unmercifully, dominate you with creativity and plating (the read-option really is the fancy plating of the college football world), and be extremely nice to you afterwards.
Michael Symon — Dan Mullen: There’s sheer joy in everything Symon does, and that energy is infectious. He’s calm but able to amp up the energy when needed, and often goes overlooked with the splash and flash of some of the other Iron Chefs. And yet, there he is, consistently racking up wins while other competitors wilt.
Marc Forgione — Kirby Smart: After training under master chefs for years, Forgione struck out on his own and delivered, collecting Michelin Stars along the way. He’s got the technique to back it up, and relies on good old fashioned American staples (surf and turf, the strong defense and commitment to the running game of cuisine) to elevate his program. He’s still young compared to some of the other legends among the Iron Chefs, but if he sticks to what he knows, there’s little doubt he can stick around.
Jose Garces — Chad Morris: Neither Garces nor Morris are especially big names, but those in the business know both are formidable. Garces has been really good for awhile, racking up wins on the Iron Chef America circuit to little fanfare. Chad Morris, meanwhile, has been plying his trade as the OC at Clemson and then turning SMU around before taking over this season at Arkansas, where the Razorbacks might surprise some folks.
Stephanie Izard — Jeremy Pruitt: A relatively new face on the Iron Chef scene, celebrity chef followers have known about Izard for a long time. She spent plenty of time in another conference (Top Chef) honing her skills and showing she’s got the chops to succeed, but is more than familiar with the Food Network cast of characters. She’s not to be taken lightly, and she won’t pull any punches or as she seeks to establish herself among the greats. The margin for error is razor thin, though, in the Iron Chef Gauntlet of the SEC.
Cat Cora — Will Muschamp: Neither Cora nor Muschamp lived up to the hype when they first burst onto the scene. They’re both extremely Southern and extremely charming, but that didn’t always translate to success in The Swamp/Kitchen Stadium. Muschamp is probably better than most will give him credit for and Cora is the least heralded of the original crop of Iron Chefs.
Geoffery Zakarian — Mark Stoops: You’re most likely to turn off an episode of Iron Chef America if it’s a Zakarian challenge, just like if you stopped paying attention and suddenly a Kentucky football game has kicked off on the channel you were watching.
BONUS: Guy Fieri — Ed Orgeron: You may be saying, “wait, Guy Fieri isn’t an Iron Chef,” to which I respond yet — also, Orgeron’s probably not an SEC head coach, LSU just doesn’t have the heart to tell him that. Once you move past that, this is probably the best fit of any of our comparisons. Da Coach O loves catchphrases, “HOLD DAT TIGER” is basically his “Out of Bounds.” We’re not really sure how either got to be as popular or as lovable as they are, but here we are. You can’t escape either and, at this point, you’re rooting for both because they seem to truly enjoy what they do more than any of their peers.
WE ARE ROLLIN OUT LOOKING FOR AMERICAS GREATEST LINEMEN, FULLBACKS, AND DIVES
