Sports On TV: Archer’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments

Lana. LANA!

Sports On TV is in the Danger Zone.

Our look at the best sports moments from shows that aren’t necessarily about sports takes on FX’s ‘Archer’ this week, and if there’s a show the kids at UPROXX love more than ‘Archer,’ I’d like to see it. Inside, you’ll find one of the most clever, obscure, expertly-written shows on television. You’ll also find lacrosse jokes about rock bands from the 1990s, a guy trying to play baseball in space, Ultimate Bum Shock Fights (which are exactly what they sound like), Siamese fighting fish, and more.

So please click through and-or enjoy Sports On TV: ‘Archer’s’ 15 greatest sports moments.

More Sports On TV: Saved By The Bell (part 2) | Full House | King Of The Hill | The Wire | The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air | Parks And Recreation | Married… With Children | 30 Rock | The Brady Bunch | The Three Stooges | The Simpsons | Glee | Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers | South Park | Boy Meets World | Buffy The Vampire Slayer | It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia | Arthur | Community | Arrested Development | Freaks and Geeks

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Episode: “Swiss Miss” (season 2, episode 1)

What Happens: To help secure funding for ISIS, the team travels to Gstaad, a winter resort town, to protect a Swiss billionaire’s daughter from kidnapping threats. The major problem is that said daughter is an underage nymphomaniac and Sterling Archer will have sex with basically anything. Ray walks in just in time for Archer’s “I’m not going to have sex with you, you’re a child” defense to get warped into “Archer was trying to get me to give him a blowjob” and shuffles her off to a ski lesson for her safety. Archer is temporarily upset that Ray doesn’t believe him, but (as Archer does) quickly decides that making fun of a guy for thinking he can give a ski lesson with only a bronze medal in giant slalom on his resume is way more important.

Key line: “Raus, you mouse, get ready for our ski lesson.”

Also, the entire exchange that follows it.

“I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men’s downhill.”

“Well, ass, it was giant slalom and I only took bronze.”

“So? You lost?”

“I came in third.”

“Which is last.”

“Which is third…”


“…in the world!”

“You lost, Ray. Jesus, get over it.”

It actually was a huge disappointment.

The only thing funnier than a random city’s ski lodge having a framed, black-and-white picture of Ray on the medal stand at all is Ray’s victory pose. I love that Ray can be an honestly-depicted, complex, gay character on a show where everyone is absurd and out of their goddamn minds … it has a lot to do with him just being treated like everybody else. Spoiler alert: everybody else is treated terribly.

Episode: “Space Race, Part 1” (season 3, episode 12)

What Happens: In a story that is too complex to be able to BEGIN to explain, the ISIS crew ends up wielding futuristic laser guns and battling mutineers on an orbiting space station to prevent being kidnapped and taken to start a new colony of humanity on Mars. By the end of the story they’re trying to escape a cyborg, and debating whether or not it’s cooler to live or don an Aliens-style mech suit to battle him.