| |
** Online Host **
Welcome to the "Wandering Through The Desert" Dream Sequence Chatroom!
|
|
|
WeirdNakedIndian: /trudges forth |
|
|
fLORIdA: for the last time, tell shapiro that he can have brad hand and we’ll pay $413,986 of his contract for 2012 just to not be the team in the majors trying to convince people brad f**king hand is worth a shit |
|
|
fLORIdA: if 14 dollars is still too expensive, tell him i’ll swing by the dump next week and bring him some lunch |
|
|
WeirdNakedIndian: /stops as they approach a lone figure standing in the desert
|
|
|
fLORIdA: who are you |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: I’m Jim Morrison. |
|
|
fLORIdA: cool. who’s he /points to spirit guide |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: Chris Antonetti, Cleveland’s general manager. |
|
|
fLORIdA: see i f**king new it
no wonder you haven’t said a word to me this entire offseason
|
|
|
fLORIdA: why have you brought me here, is this the part where i stick meg ryan and have an emotional hippie freakout |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: to help you find some answers, Jeff. |
|
|
fLORIdA: answers to what |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: Ask me a question. |
|
|
fLORIdA: is it a great idea to give prince fielder a 9-year contract, because yeah he’s a 27-year old vegetarian or whatever but he literally weighs 600 pounds, has the korean symbol for his own first name on his neck and named one of his kids "haven"
so neither his legs nor his brain are gonna make it through year 3 of that shit an i’ll have to drag jeff conine’s decrepit asshole out of retirement to play first
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: no, ask me a question about your life. |
|
|
fLORIdA: … what am I supposed to do with my baseball team. |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: You should spend money on them, build them a beautiful new stadium with a retractable roof, change their name and make them wear clothes that look like something I might’ve worn when I was screaming about f**king my mother. |
|
|
fLORIdA: ennnhhh i dunno, that sounds like work and effort
how am i supposed to fill a new stadium, our annual attendance is four buckets of orange paint
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: …If you pander to the Latin community, they will come… |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: any more questions? |
|
|
fLORIdA: will logan morrison ever get his sports illustrated football phone |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: tell him to stop being ironic, he’s a f**king thousandaire grown-up |
|
|
fLORIdA: got it
how do i get back to the bottom of the division?
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: follow the Indian |
|
| |
**Online Host**
Three months later…
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: so you’re saying you guys took Nigel Wilson as your first pick in the expansion draft? |
|
|
GoodBarger: lol yep he went 0-16, vanished from baseball and didn’t get a hit until four years later |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: jesus, how is he not dead yet |
|
| |
**Online Host**
fLORIdA and WeirdNakedIndian have entered the chatroom.
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: excuse me
Jeff, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Carl Barger.
|
|
|
fLORIdA: who gives a sh*t |
|
|
fLORIdA: so anyway i forgot most of what you said before but i am now Kingshit of the latino community’s F**k Mountain, Ozzie Guillen is our manager now and he’s already gotten his retard kid to post upwards of 700 bitchy gay slurs about the reds or whoever on the Internet
it’s great, other races are WEIRD on the internet
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: that wasn’t really what I was trying to say, what I meant was- |
|
|
fLORIdA: and then we brought in carlos zambrano, because how funny is it gonna be when he starts flipping out and his heart explodes and we have to go to a quinceañera |
|
|
fLORIdA: that’s a mexican funeral, right |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: hold on there’s a lot wrong with what you just said, let me- |
|
|
fLORIdA: we made an offer to pujols, but he wanted to play a year more than we were comfortable with so we took out our dicks, showed them to him, and gave jose reyes like 22 million dollars |
|
|
fLORIdA: it’s gonna be great, we’re gonna be so expensive and pissed off all the time |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: you’re freaking me out, man, let me drink this entire bottle of … wait what is this, sand |
|
|
TheLizardOfId: am i dead |
|
|
fLORIdA: we’re making each miami-area taxpayer pay 2 billion each to build a big f**k-off clambake spaceship with barn doors on the roof |
|
|
fLORIdA: we’re gonna call it "marlins park" and pretend like the price has gotten too high for bidders, then never change it because nobody offered and we’re getting enough money from local single moms and shit |
|
|
fLORIdA: also, because we’re out of our goddamn minds we’re building this colossal moving piñata thing in center so the crowd’s stupider children and the homeless people we let in as seat-fillers can go into epileptic shock the five times a year Emilio Bonifacio hits a home run |
|
|
fLORIdA: seriously look at this thing, it’s like somebody airbrushed my cock into centerfield /
|
|
|
TheLizardOfId: oohhhhh goddddd |
|
|
WeirdNakedIndian: /cries single tear |
|
|
fLORIdA: hey, don’t cry! it’s almost baseball season |
|
|
fLORIdA: this whole thing is gonna be awesome, especially if it turns out this bad |
|
|
WeirdNakedIndian: /manages a smile |
|
|
fLORIdA: see? |
|
|
fLORIdA: oh btw you have brown skin, follow me back into waking reality and clean up some garbage for me |
|
| |
**Online Host**
Meanwhile, back in the Florida Marlins Waking Reality Chatroom…
|
|
|
NoLomo: @persononphone loooool yes im callin you from a football |
|
|
NoLomo: @persononphone lol yes it’s funny, lol |
|
|
NoLomo: @persononphone meh no, if you don’t know why it’s funny im not gonna explain it to you #ordinaryf**kinpeople |
|
