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**Online Host**
Welcome to the Federal Court Chatroom!
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HardinFast: I swear to god Roger just shut up, shut your mouth, do not talk |
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OldLOL: but but but that guys sayin i did steroids and i did NOT do steroids, ever, period |
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HardinFast: For the love of christ keep your mouth closed |
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OldLOL: i may have cheated on baseball and i may have statutory raped that teen country starlet i may have done steroids and i may have lied about it to the government but i did NOT do steroids |
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OldLOL: /does steroids |
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HardinFast: there, look at you, you just did steroids |
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OldLOL: no i didnt |
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HardinFast: blerghhhh /faceplams with both hands and one of his feet |
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HardinFast: you know, I am a 70-year old man named "Rusty Hardin" and THIS is somehow the most difficult moment of my life
just sit there eating quietly until the prosecution is done
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OldLOL: /drinks cream soda from Koby Clemens’ skull |
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**Online Host**
Meanwhile, in the Prosecution sub-chatroom…
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Judge: Steve, I just wanted to say you’ve done a bang-up job as prosecutor and that we all agree Roger Clemens is totally guilty of everything ever. |
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DurhamsBull: thanks judge |
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Judge: No problem. All we have to do now is close it out, and remember, DON’T try and have Andy Pettitte’s wife testify. Her testimony is inadmissible and we’d have to throw out the whole trial. |
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DurhamsBull: got it |
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Judge: Okay, take her home |
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DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call andy pettitte’s wife to the stand |
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AndyPettittesWife: /gathers dream journals, stands up |
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Judge: god dammit steve Okay everybody hold on a minute |
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AndyPettittesWife: /sits back down |
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HoldItAndPettitte: I wouldn’t mind testifying, you could call me, I mean I am the world’s hugest narc tattletail |
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DurhamsBull: no sorry laura a lot about it so i need to talk to her LAURA LAURA ARE YOU IN THE COURTROOM LAURA oh there you are, come on ma’am please take the stand |
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AndyPettittesWife: /stands up |
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Judge: steve, come here |
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AndyPettittesWife: /sits back down |
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DurhamsBull: yes mister judge |
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Judge: how long have you been studying law |
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DurhamsBull: for like 22 years, your honor |
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Judge: Okay, you have Andy Pettitte’s wife say Clemens did steroids. She didn’t hear it directly from Clemens, and if you use her as evidence you have illegitimately prejudiced the jury against him
just do literally anything else and we will find him guilty, do you understand
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DurhamsBull: i understand |
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Judge: Heh, okay everybody, take two! Here we go. Action! |
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DurhamsBull: i would like to ask andy pettitte’s wife to please loudly say whether roger clemens did or did not do steroids from where she is sitting |
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AndyPettittesWife: HE DID |
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Judge: NO, NOPE, NOBODY HEARD THAT, PLEASE DO SOMETHING ELSE |
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DurhamsBull: all right, allow me to play this VHS tape of laura pettitte saying she heard from "somebody" that roger clemens did steroids |
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Judge: nope |
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DurhamsBull: these handwritten letters from mrs. pettitte addressing- |
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Judge: nope |
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DurhamsBull: this minecraft stage laura pettitte built to look like roger clemens that clearly illustrates- |
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Judge: NO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU |
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DurhamsBull: hmm
well what do you mean
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Judge: I MEAN DO ANYTHING ELSE. JUST STAND THERE, READ THE PHONE BOOK, DO SOME JUMPING JACKS, TALK ABOUT KATE UPTON, ANYTHING ELSE |
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OldLOL: who the f**k is kate upton /googles Kate Upton
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OldLOL: WHOA IS THIS CHICK LEGAL |
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HardinFast: she just turned 19, Roger |
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OldLOL: dammit
/angrily closes laptop
/throws laptop at jury
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DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call… |
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Judge: /glares |
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DurhamsBull: uh
these uh
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DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call these educational puppets to the stand |
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Judge: f**king finally, let’s hear it |
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LauraPuppet: HEY KIDS, WELCOME T’COURT! WE’RE GONNA HAVE A LOTTA FUN TODAY, OH BOY! /switches hands |
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AndyPuppet: wull hey Laura! Have you talked to ROGER CLEMENS today?? /switches hands |
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LauraPuppet: I SURE HAVEN’T, ANDY! But I HEARD SOMETHING about how he did STEROIDS! |
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Judge: okay, that’s it, mistrial, roger you’re free to go |
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OldLOL: SAY YOU KNOW I DIDN’T DO STEROIDS |
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HardinFast: /puts bag over Clemens’ head, drags him out of the courtroom |
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AndyPettittesWife: Wait! I didn’t get to tell anyone what I heard about Barry Bonds doing steroids! |
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Judge: Mr. Bonds, I sentence you to 30 years in prison |
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GoldBonds: wait what |
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