With the final week of the NFL’s preseason upon us, most of the league’s biggest stars are looking forward to taking those games off so they can be 100 percent for Week 1. Of course, if Roger Goodell had his way, it would be mandatory for all of the stars to play the entire games, and there’d still be 12 weeks of the preseason left to go. For now, though, the preseason is only a four-week affair, and that means we’re just about right in the middle of the fantasy football draft holiday season, as most of your leagues should have their big days scheduled this weekend or next week. Obviously, a lot of you have also probably drafted by now, but that just means there are a lot of LeVeon Bell owners shaking their darn heads while others really, really regret taking Josh Gordon in the 6th round, you know, “Just in case.”
One league that already drafted is the first ever UPROXX Invitational Fantasy Football League, which I assembled with the sole purpose of making this upcoming fantasy football season more enjoyable for all of us, when our teams and dreams are being crushed by our friends. I called upon some of my fellow UPROXXians and favorite bloggers and Twitter friends to put together this league and maybe even help all of you one last time before your own drafts this week. Once the season begins, this will help continue my favorite weekly exercise – the Fantasy Football Support Group, which helps us all cope with the thrashing that we’ve experienced thanks to the underperformances of our players and the overachieving of our opponents.
The UPROXX Invitational Fantasy Football League lineup is comprised of:
Burnsy – Every Day I’m Bortlin’
UPROXX’s Leader Cajun Boy – Gumbo Gumbo Gumbo
UPROXX’s Josh Kurp – Hired Goons
UPROXX’s A. Isaac (formerly of Guyism) – Favre’s Micropenis
UPROXX’s Andrew Roberts – Flacco’s Favorites
Kissing Suzy Kolber’s Sarah Sprague – My Left Foote
EDSBS Contributor and Zoo With Roy’s Jacob, AKA Oh Holy Butt – Football Enthusiasts
SI.com Homepage Editor Tom Mantzouranis – I’mTheMantzI’mTheMan
The Big Lead’s Stephen Douglas – Knockout Slacks
Fox Sports’ No Filter Host Katie Nolan – Return of the Mac
FootballGuys.com contributor (and generally the smartest fantasy football guy I know) Ryan Hester – The FF Bookie
And the one and only… PFT Commenter – PFT’s Road Graders
In case you’re wondering, it looked a lot like this video that our friends at Above Average recently made:
As for league settings, this is a standard scoring system on Yahoo!, so there is no PPR and QB passing TDs are worth 6 points. We’re working with a starting lineup of QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 WR/RB/TE, TE, K, and DEF. No fancy bells and whistles, and not nearly as rad and ballsy as your bro who runs a league that has IDP, because “That single defense sh*t is for p*ssies, BRO.” And if you’re also playing in a Yahoo! league and haven’t yet drafted, believe me when I say that the automated draft analysis is just about the dumbest thing you’ll ever read, but you have to read it because it’s hilarious. (In this league, it told me I deserved to be in the HOF for my first two picks, and then told me I’d finish 4-9. In another, it said I had the best WRs in the league and I‘d finish… 4-9. Basically, if you want an A grade, you have to draft solid starters and backups for every position, including K and DEF. It’s stupid.)
Now, on to our draft results and subsequent analysis from this crew of incredible experts that I have assembled.
Jacob – Football Enthusiasts
When drafting a fantasy football team, it’s important to draft dudes you would probably like to hang out with in real life. That way the fantasies take on even more meaning and can possibly get way weirder. For this reason, I’m pleased with my team. We have our resident stoner (Blount), our star player (McCoy), and our dad (Brees). Again considering the need to draft guys I’d like to hang out with, my favorite pick is Vince Young. He may not play or accumulate any points for my team this season (I’ll probably cut him in a couple days), but if there’s one thing I love it’s shutting down a TGIFriday’s and buying tequila shots for everyone I can find. Vince and I are going to have a wonderful time steering this team to a sub-.500 record. Least favorite? Vince Young. It was a stupid pick that I made based entirely on nostalgia.
Best team? PFT’s Road Graders. No question about that one. *So* gritty.
Ryan Hester – The FF Bookie
My favorite picks were Rob Gronkowski and Johnny Manziel. I was going to write some serious fantasy analysis here about Gronk being a weekly advantage whenever he suits up and Mr. Football being a darkhorse QB1 due to his rushing ability, but they’re my best picks because imagining these two on the same real-life team is truly a fantasy.
My worst pick was Josh Gordon because he probably won’t play a down this season. That said, even if he misses eight games, picking him in Round 13 could immediately make him my best pick instead of my worst. (Ed. Note: The draft was before the decision was handed down.)
As the only member of this league who writes for a fantasy football website, I’m obligated by my on-the-side employer to say that I have the best team. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have much right to be compensated for my fantasy football musings. The teams most poised to steal the trophy for which I’m already clearing space are as follows:
3) Everyday I’m Bortlin’
2) My Left Foote
1) Favre’s Micropenis
A sleeper could be I’mTheMantzI’mTheMan due to all of his “lottery ticket” backup running backs and the ready-to-explode Justin Hunter.
Sarah Sprague – My Left Foote
Who won the draft? Well the Yahoo(!) bots say I won the draft, and who am I argue with computers that are better at crunching stats than I am. (Obviously I’m ready to be a enemy collaborator when the robot revolution comes in the year 2063.) Just kidding, I think Football Enthusiasts and The FF Bookie had the strongest drafts overall, Bortlin’ and Gumbo close behind. PFTC may have had the weakest draft, but my guess is someday we’ll all see the wisdom of taking two kickers in the middle rounds.
Anyway, hoping my gamble of loading up on running backs (Jamaal Charles, Le’Veon Bell*, Ben Tate and Shane Vereen) leaving me with Randall Cobb (please be healthy, please be healthy, please be healthy) Larry Fitz at wide receiver works. Romo’s safety blankie of Jason Witten, should work out okay as well as keeping Eric Decker on the bench if things break his way with the Jets. It’s not much of a risk for me to take Roethlisberger in a later round since I always grab Roethlisberger in a late round and I believe this is the thinnest tubs has ever reported to camp.
Favorite pick? Shonn Green in honor of my favorite KSK Kharacter to write, Shonn Green’s Empty Locker.
Prediction: My preseason champs will have a run at the playoffs and will fall short at least once during the season because I forgot make my fantasy moves. Playing fantasy football on the Best Coast means sometimes sleeping in until three minutes before kickoff, not five minutes like Yahoo(!) demands.
*EFFING POOP ON A STICK YOU COULDN’T FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE YOU HOME WHO WAS ALSO NOT A PITTSBURGH STEELER.
A. Isaac – Favre’s Micropenis
Is that a giant dildo in your pants or are you just happy to see my fantasy team. Because make no mistake about it, if my core guys stay healthy, it’s over. I have the best team and frankly, it’s not even close. I have three starting running backs and my fourth may very well be the diamond in the rough. His name is Joique Bell and he’ll get a majority of the reps when Reggie Bush inevitably pulls his groin in Week 2.
Now Cam, well, that’s another story. Learn to slide asshole, my season depends on it.
As for who has the worst team in the league, uh, have you seen PFT Commenters?
PFT Commenter – PFT’s Road Graders
I personaly had the best draft i could of hoped for folks. Yahoo graded me as a D, but Ive been getting Ds all my life- the only type grading I care about is road grading.
Its like i always say,, if you want to win some GREEN DOLLARS youve got to draft some BLUE COLLARS.
My favorite pick is probly either Riley Cooper or Danny Woodhead. These are guys that are sneaky studs. Coopers coming of the best season of his life and he dosent have the liberal media crawling down his throat because he mispoke at a country music festival this go round.
Danny Woodhead is a absolute beast specially on 3rd down which is the most importent down ever. For some reason Ashley disabled gritpoints which some might say make’s my draft haul less valuable but nonetheless with my QB situaton being both Elite and Harvardish, and Toby Lionhart running the freakin ball at padlevel with wreckless abandon I think Im the team to beat.
Tom Mantzouranis – I’mTheMantzI’mTheMan
In terms of experience, my team is basically a nervous kid on prom night trying to figure out which way the rubber goes. That wasn’t my strategy, and I didn’t realize it until after the draft was over and I looked over my roster. But 22 years of total experience from 14 skill players? Three rookies? Damn.
It’s that fact alone that keeps me unsure how good to feel about my team. Every coach says this in the aftermath of their draft, and almost all of them are lying, but every player I got was a player I legitimately wanted and feel good about, and I’m confident at least a few of my first- and second-year players will reward my faith. Bishop Sankey will likely get No. 1 reps in Tennessee right away, Devonta Freeman has a good chance to start for some or all of the season because Steven Jackson and Justin Hunter looks like a legitimate breakout player a la Alshon Jeffery. Eddie Lacy and Gio Bernard should replicate or, especially in the latter’s case, surpass their successful rookie years. Still, do they have the track record to back up my expectations? Nope. And without that, I’m just another idiot until proven otherwise.
Best team? I think there are a few closely vying for that title, but I’ll go with The FF Bookie. His receivers — especially if Josh Gordon plays eight games or more — are ridiculous.
Andrew Roberts – Flacco’s Favorites
Two kickers, two defenses, a wide receiver bonanza, and two QBs in the opening rounds. I’m a full on idiot and I love it. If I win one game, I call it a successful return to fantasy football because I’m having a good time. My draft grade doesn’t reflect my spirit and I’m honored to be at the bottom with the other fine company. The funniest part is how the system thinks I autodrafted.
My best pick should be Andrew Luck, but I’m going to throw a curveball and say Wes Welker. The little piss ant has burned me time and time again in the past, so I think it’s only right he help me out a bit.
Worst pick is Darren McFadden. I don’t care that Green-Ellis is a backup or that I have dos kickers. My biggest draft regret is even considering Oakland as a choice, something I did twice. I was eyeing Maurice Jones-Drew, but had to settle on a walking triage. If he doesn’t have turf toe by week three it’s a miracle.
Katie Nolan – Return of the Mac
With the 8th pick of the draft I wasn’t expecting to draft a stacked team, but when Jordy Nelson went 5th I knew I maybe had a chance. It also made me acutely aware that this league was full of funny people and I was probably the only one taking it seriously, but, alas. Such is the burden of a champion.
Obviously thrilled about Johnson and Jones. Getting Ellington 32nd overall may end up being my steal of the draft, and let’s hope so because he’s all I’ve got in the RB department. If I can find a way to start him as my RB1 and my RB2 (and also make his o-line less garbage), I may just have a chance of winning. It’s my own fault for waiting until the 7th round to take my second running back, but I couldn’t pass on Julius Thomas, and the Matt Ryan-Julio Jones pairing had too much potential, and I have a weird-and-probably-inaccurate “feeling” about Maclin. So, yes, thanks to that perfect storm I will now be starting MJfuckingD every week.
On my bench I’ve got a few potential sleepers (Kelvin Benjamin, Jarrett Boykin, Mike Evans) and one potential crier (Knowshon Moreno). Overall I feel like I’ve got a decent team, probably 2nd or 3rd in the league? I’d say The FF Bookie has the strongest team, as long as Lamar Miller doesn’t burn his ass like he burned mine last year. Worst team in the league obviously goes to PFTCommenter and he knows it. I look forward to him winning and proving that this really is all a crap shoot.
Cajun Boy – Gumbo Gumbo Gumbo
For the first time in my fantasy sports life, I autodrafted a team. Further, I did not set rankings or anything — I just blindly let the Yahoo system pick a team for me. Shockingly, I like my team.
If I’d have drafted myself, a strategy going in I was likely to employ was to hope that I’d get Jimmy Graham in the late first or early second round, because Jimmy is THE BEST TIGHT END WHO EVER LIVED WHO DAT. Well, I got him. So nothing else really matters.
Josh Kurp – Hired Goons
Yahoo! must have blown their creative load acquiring season six of Community. That’s the only explanation I can think of for their Draft Grades section, which is as utterly pointless as Yahoo! when it’s not fantasy football season. Or maybe I’m just super-mad that they gave me a C+, despite my BRILLIANT drafting of Aaron Rodgers and A.J. Green…and, well, that’s about it. All you need to know about my team is, Chris Johnson is currently in the starting lineup. C+ seems generous.
Burnsy – Every Day I’m Bortlin’
In all the years I’ve been playing fantasy football (15 now, I think), I do not recall having ever taken a QB and WR with my first two picks. Well, except maybe the very first year when I took Donovan McNabb eighth overall because I had ZERO idea what I was doing. (I still made the playoffs that year.) I wanted Demaryius Thomas with that first pick, so that was rad. But seeing his QB there at 14 threw the whole plan out of whack, and I had to take him. That’s like a billion points per week between them.
Overall, I’m so in love with my WRs but I’m obviously still vomiting over my RB situation. At some point, I’ll have to wheel and deal, because even before the season begins, I have a feeling that T-Rich is going to play T-Poorly – *high fives air* – and Ahmad Bradshaw will have three solid weeks before someone hits him and he crumbles into a pile of LEGO blocks.
Best team? Probably my boy Ryan Hester, because that’s a dude who know what he’s doing, and he’s the guy who challenges every pick during the draft, and that’s super intimidating. And despite her little pothead RB problem, I think Sprague is going to be a contender. But $10 says PFT Commenter somehow wins it all.
Stephen Douglas – Knockout Slacks
I missed the draft because I was drinking outside the house at the time so I was quite shocked when I first looked at my team. My first thought was, “Didn’t Percy Harvin retire?” Luckily, after that, it was all downhill! The only good news is that I landed one of the Denver Broncos top 4 running backs and was able to steal a Cleveland Brown in the 6th round!
According to the Yahoo! draft grades, my team was a “B,” which was a relief to see because it was tied with 6 other teams as the best grade in the league. However, the Yahoo! Draft Summary was more in line with my initial eye test: “Whatever strategy Knockout Slacks used to build this team, it should be thrown out, because it didn’t work.” And I’m projected to finish 9th. Good luck getting my money, suckers. What’s that? This isn’t a money league. Phew.
I don’t know who has the best team, but I know PFT Commenter’s team is my favorite.
So there you have it, the first ever draft of the first ever UPROXX Invitational Fantasy Football League. Feel free to weigh in and tell us who the biggest idiot is, especially if you’re not familiar with PFT Commenter, and remember to check in with the Support Group every Tuesday during the NFL season.
