The Teen Choice Awards Actually Got Sports Right, But Not Much Else

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

Look, I’m not the hippest guy on the planet. I’m a t-shirt and jeans average Joe who hasn’t wore closed-toe shoes outside of December and January in more than a decade. But I’m plenty confident about my grasp of popular music and films. That said, our teens are in deep trouble. Sure, every generation has particularly shitty taste in everything, but Justin Bieber and Glee are just the gatekeepers at the entrance to a hell of unspeakable proportions.

I don’t give a crap about who or what a JoJo is, why Selena Gomez is successful with lyrics like “I Love You like a Love Song”, why Demi Lovato was rewarded for a meltdown with more of what caused her to melt down (fame), why No Doubt thinks that a bunch of kids who weren’t alive the last time they performed would care about them, who Ashley Benson is or why someone punished her with this outfit (otherwise, call me!), how much time is left before Zooey Deschanel’s quirkiness expires, if anyone in that crowd even knew what network Happy Endings is on let alone what it’s about or who stars in it, when Rico Rodriguez might comprehend that people are beginning to loathe him, why Rebecca Black is still being invited to anything, who Crystal Reed is and whether or not her people will let us live, what mall kiosk Bronson Pelletier bought his success at, if anyone yells “AMANDUHHHH” when Peter Facinelli goes places (because they should, everywhere, forever), who names a child Chord Overstreet, how people can just call themselves a professional DJ and we allow it, if Justin Kirk was shot with a tranquilizer dart and sent back to the wild to live with the rest of the people who try too hard, when someone will send Will.I.Am back to his home planet of F*ck You, why Victoria Justice hasn’t answered my letters, how Taylor Swift continues to baffle me (Is she attractive? Is she an alien? I don’t know!), what underworld demon continues to trick people into believing that Tia and Tamera are stars, if the former athlete Kevin McHale cares what is being done to his name, how these two little girls will lash out when Ellen isn’t there to make them famous anymore, when Zac Efron and Ian Somerholder will be forced to fight to the death in a freckle frenzy of sculpted curiosity, and whether or not the mothers of the girls from Dance Moms care what they’ve done to their daughters.

No. I don’t care about any of that. Not when the Teen Choice Awards have allowed for this awful woman to be considered a celebrity…

Unacceptable, America. Get your shit together before it’s too late.

(Images via Getty.)