Hey fight fans! UFC is back again in Brazil and the card looks pretty dang good. The fights begin at 6:30PM ET on Fight Pass with the early prelims, then move on to Fox Sports 1 at 8PM ET with the regular prelims. The main card will also be on Fox Sports 1 starting at 10PM ET, culminating in the third fight between Dan Henderson and Vitor Belfort. Let’s jump into those patented Uproxx Sports predictions!
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 500-345-6 (59 percent)
Burnsy: 498-313-6 (61 percent)
Vince: 228-148-2 (61 percent)
Ryan: 10-5-1 (66 percent)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67 percent)
Spilled: 81-60-2 (57 percent)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57 percent)
Chris: 44-15-2 (74 percent)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57 percent)
Ghost: 6-7 (46 percent)
Seth: 32-15 (68 percent)
Biss: 41-39-1 (51 percent)
Jared: 96-54-1 (64 percent)
Melanie: 44-23 (66 percent)
Fake Mike Goldberg: 21-16 (57 percent)
Bantamweight – Bruno “Korea” Rodrigues vs Matheus Nicolau
Jessica: Fun Fact the First: Nicolau’s only loss is to Pedro Nobre, the guy that faked a spine injury, complete with stupid foam neck brace to sell a no contest against Iuri Alcantara. Fun Fact the Second: Bruno Korea’s first amateur fight was against Wagner China. How can I not go with Bruno Korea? Rodrigues wins by decision.
Jared: I’d be lying if I said I knew who both of these men are. Nicolau is a vicious striker and Bruno Korea is…someone (a TUF Latin America alum, maybe?). Nicolau via (T)KO.
New Dad Burnsy: Better late than never, fight fans, but I’m here and I’m joined by my first son (that I know of), Jack Burton Burns, just two weeks old. He’ll be making my picks for me this week, so he’s going with Bruno because I once had an English bulldog named Bruno and that’s all the reason that I (or in this case my son) will ever need to make an expert prediction.
Bantamweight – Pedro “The Young Punisher” Munhoz vs Jimmie “El Terror” Rivera
Jessica: Munhoz lost his first UFC bout, but that was as a late injury replacement, going against Raphael Assuncao, which is a damn tough test. He’s got two wins under his belt now, while Rivera put away Marcus Brimage, which still isn’t that impressive. Munhoz submits Rivera in the second.
Jared: Jimmie Rivera passed his UFC litmus test in starching Marcus Brimage at Fight Night 72, and being that Brimage only gets starched by legitimate prospects making their UFC debuts (Garbrandt, McGregor), I like Rivera keeping the momentum rolling here against an equally legitimate prospect in Munhoz.
New Dad Burnsy: We’re taking The Young Punisher, because holy shit that would be an awesome animated Marvel series. Like Muppet Babies except with insane bloodshed.
Welterweight – Viscari Andrade vs Gasan “Cobra” Umalatov
Jessica: Sorry, Vicious Bacardi, but I’m going with the dang COBRA to win, send you packing, and then provide health insurance. Umalatov wins by decision.
Jared: Umalatov
New Dad Burnsy: We’ll make it three for Cobra here, mainly because that’s the name of one of many important ’80s movies on my list to watch with an infant before he starts attending overpriced day care.
Featherweight – Kevin Souza vs Chas “The Scrapper” Skelly
Jessica: Heyyy, look, it’s dudes I’ve heard of! Skelly feels like more of a challenge to Souza than the other way around, and I don’t know if Kevin will handle it. Chas is a solid wrestler with a lot of top control. I’m taking Skelly to win a decision in a fun bout.
Jared: Skelly. Souza can crack for sure, but I tend to lean towards the guy with the better ground game in striker vs. grappler fights like these.
New Dad Burnsy: This should be a great fight, as both men are on three-fight win streaks. Skelly most recently took down my boy Jim Alers, who I will hopefully soon be shadowing before his fight in Orlando next month, while Souza knocked Katsunori Kikuno out in the first round back in March. I’ll take Souza here, because I’m still mad at Skelly for beating Alers. Also, I will call him Chas Smelly during this fight for that very reason.
Featherweight – Clay “The Carpenter” Guida vs Thiago Tavares
Jessica: Woof. I’m not a huge fan of Guida’s ultra-bouncy style, but he’s capable of beating Tavares. I’m not happy about picking Clay(ton) Burpo, but here we are. Guida takes a decision.
Jared: For as long as he’s been a fighter in the UFC (which is like 25 years now), Tavares has just never been a guy that impresses me. He’s got some good submission wins over a couple decent fighters, but I don’t see him being able to do much against the energizer blanket. Guida gon’ Guida.
New Dad Burnsy: First off, I love Tavares in Mr. Robot. Second, I’m picking Guida because this fight is pretty lame.
Lightweight – Yan Cabral vs Johnny “Hollywood” Case
Jessica: Case is on a two-Frank fight win streak. Yan Cabral is not named Frank, so Case will lose. MY LOGIC IS INFALLIBLE. Cabral submits Case in the second.
Jared: Case is a big favorite here, and rightfully so. Cabral is just too inconsistent to place any faith in.
New Dad Burnsy: My gut tells me to never like the guy who is nicknamed Hollywood, especially because his name is so freaking close to Johnny Cage, and that would just be the douchiest thing to ever happen in a combat sport. However, Case is going to win because he’s darn good, and if he wins this one I’d like to see him get a tougher fight to see just how good he is.
Lightweight – Gleison Tibau vs Abel “Killa” Trujillo
Jessica: F*CK TRUJILLO. Gleison to win by decision while Trujillo throws his arms up like “whaaaa??” and probably cries a lot afterwards. Go Gleison!
Jared: Abel Trujillo is VIOLENCE, but tends to consistently struggle against solid grapplers. He also hasn’t fought in a year, so I see Tibau working him over after Trujillo gasses going for an early finish.
New Dad Burnsy: Trujillo is a guy I will never pick no matter how good he is, so Tibau it is.
Light Heavyweight – Fabio “Caipira de Aco” Maldonado vs Corey “Beastin 25/8” Anderson
Jessica: I’m kind of mad that Tom Lawlor had to pull out of this fight, since him versus Maldonado would have been ULTRA DOPE. However, the Iron Hillbilly versus the man that Beasts for 25 hours per day, 8 days per week is also fun, but in a slightly different way. Fabio should do what he does best, which is put his head down, bull forward, and absorb punches so he can land vicious body shots. I don’t care how much beasting a person does, Maldonado’s tummy punches look devastating. Maldonado wins by body shot TKO in the second round.
Jared: Am I crazy for thinking that the human punching bag Maldonado stands a better chance than the odds suggest? In either case, seeing Fabio eat the hundreds and hundreds of punches he is inevitably going to eat in this fight is going to make me sad. Anderson.
New Dad Burnsy: I vowed to take Anderson more seriously after I mocked his name, so I’m picking him. This has more to do with the fact that I think Maldonado is boring.
Lightweight – Gilbert “Durinho” Burns vs Rashid “Goretz” Magomedov
Jessica: Oh no. No Joe Silva, why would you do this to me? Burnsy’s Brazilian cousin versus a Dagestan Man? This is too cruel. Even though this means I’m fired from Uproxx, I’m going with Magomedov to out-strike Gilbert and take a third round TKO.
Jared: Magomedov. Burns has a slick ground game but it just ain’t enough to best the beast he’s fighting.
New Dad Burnsy: BURNS WINS FOR HIS NEW BABY COUSIN.
Lightweight – Alex “Cowboy” Oliveira vs Piotr Hallmann
Jessica: Hallmann seems like a sacrificial lamb, since Oliveira put on a hell of a performance on short notice against Gilbert Burns a while back. Piotr’s lost two in a row, while Alex has won two straight. Both guys will extend their streaks to three when Oliveira TKOs Hallmann in the second.
Jared: I make it a general rule of thumb these days to not to bet against anyone who calls themselves “Cowboy.” Donald Cerrone fights 16 times a year and wins them all. John Wayne never lost a fight. Kid Rock somehow didn’t tank his career after releasing what remains one of the worst songs I have ever heard. It’s science, nay, destiny that “Cowboy” Oliveira wins this.
New Dad Burnsy: Another vote for the Cowboy, even if I still believe Oliveira should have to change his nickname out of respect for Cerrone.
Bantamweight – Thomas “Thominhas” Almeida vs Anthony “El Toro” Birchak
Jessica: Little Tommy Almeida has looked super impressive recently. Birchak’s okay, but my heart belongs to one El Toro, and that one is a dang battling robot. Almeida lands some sort of crazy flying attack and gets a third round KO.
Jared: He may have smoked Joe Soto, but anyone who picks Birchak to win this thing should be locked in a padded room for the night.
New Dad Burnsy: Almeida will win this one in quick and spectacular fashion and then we will begin demanding that he be fast-tracked for some Top 10 fights.
Light Heavyweight – Glover Teixeira vs Patrick “Durkin” Cummins
Jessica: I don’t want to get all MMAth here, but Glover beat OSP, who knocked Cummins silly. Teixeira’s got okay-ish enough defensive wrestling to avoid getting smashed by Cummins, and he’s got good power. Glover wins by second round TKO.
Jared: The former barista is going to be ground into a fine Pennsylvania roast by Teixeira and no, I am *not* sorry for making that terrible joke. I REGRET NOTHING.
New Dad Burnsy: I still enjoy Cummins’ rise from the roast — thank you for enjoying that excellent joke — but come on. He’ll need a medium roast miracle to win this one.
Middleweight – Vitor “The Phenom” Belfort vs Dan “Hendo” Henderson
Jessica: Was anyone really asking for a rubber match here? If Vitor is all gross and deflated like he was against Weidman, I can see Hendo surviving the initial 90 second Belfort Blitz and landing one of those megaton punches that gives everyone in the first four rows a concussion. Henderson wins with a second round knockout.
Jared: UGGGGGGHHHHH THIS FIGHT. I want Cheator Belfort to lose so, so badly — what with his penchant for lion-based metaphors and his complete refusal to admit or even acknowledge the fact that his entire career has been built on a throne of genetically-enhanced lies — but Hendo moves like my Dad getting out of a deep-cushioned couch nowadays. This will end exactly like Belfort-Henderson 2.
New Dad Burnsy: This fight sucks. I hate these fights. Yeah, let’s pretend that when Belfort absolutely mauls Hendo — and he will, that’s my pick — that he deserves another shot at Weidman. This is no more a way to gauge a fighter’s success than sticking your boner in a light socket. Get out of here with this empty pinata of a main event.
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Almeida, Cabral
New Dad Burnsy: Teixeira, Souza
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Burns vs Magomedov
New Dad Burnsy: Guida vs Tavares
