Assuming Ahnuld can stop taking Instagram photos for a long enough time that Sylvester Stallone can finish putting his movie together, The Expendables 2 will come out this Friday, the 17th. With the exception of Chuck Norris and, for a time, Bruce Willis, none of the other machismo cast members, such as Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, and Jean-Claude Van Damme, are known as TV actors, yet many of them have notorious TV credits to their names. Here’s a round-up of the best boob-tube appearances from the Expendables, including Bruce singing, Ahnuld on a dating show, and Jean-Claude getting a boner while dancing.
Expendable: Randy Couture
Show: The King of Queens
I always imagined punching Kevin James would be meet with a fart noise after every blow. Here’s hoping that in the final cut of Here Comes the Boom, I mean, Paul Blart: Mixed Martial Farts, someone from the sound department realizes their massive mistake, and not only fixes that film, but also every episode of The Fart of Farts. Also, this show doing a Matrix parody in 2006 is too perfect.
Expendable: Sylvester Stallone
Show: Kojak
No, not the Ving Rhames-starring Kojak, but the original, with Telly Savalas and, apparently, Sylvester Stallone as Detective Rick Daly for a single episode. Naturally, he played a trigger-happy, mush-mouthed cop (but he was a loose cannon?) who accidentally killed a kid. For that grave misdeed, Kojak didn’t love him, baby, and kept the extra lollipop for himself. Dick.
Expendable: Jean-Claude Van Damme
Show: N/A
My favorite sentence of all-time:
While riding in the sled which will transport him into the future, Jean-Claude Van Damme takes out a stick of Black Black chewing gum, a Japanese brand. ( )
For those of you without a sled that doubles as a time machine, Black Black is a brand of gum that’s infused with caffeine and is apparently more powerful at keeping you awake than women, bombs, and clothespins. Van Damme was the spokesperson for the Japanese product (of course) throughout the 1990s, and you can still buy the gum today. I have no idea what the voiceover actress is saying, but I hope it’s quotes from Timecop. “Damn it, Ricky, I catch you f*cking this machine again, I’ll break your neck” has everything to do with gum.
Expendable: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Show: The Jayne Mansfield Story (TV movie)
Jayne Mansfield was one of the 1950’s most famous va-va-voom beauties, and in this 1980 TV movie, she’s played by Loni Anderson, best known as Jennifer Marlowe on WKRP in Cincinnati. Arnold Schwarzenegger played her bodybuilding husband, Mickey Hargitay (Mariska’s father). Here’s an indication of how good the finished product was:
1. “The radio announcer says at the end of the film following Jayne Mansfield’s death that she was 36. She was actually 34 when she died.” ( )
2. Director Dick Lowry would later work on Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, A Horse for Danny, Project: ALF, Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again, and Category 7: The End of the World.
3. This is the poster:
So, yeah, it’s great.
Expendable: Bruce Willis
Show: N/A
If not for Bruce Willis joyfully singing about a wine cooler to his dog, there’d be no The Return of Bruno, robbing the world of literally DOZENS of jokes. In fact, Willis’s crooning, which resembles a young David Lee Roth, pairs nicely with his 501 Jeans commercial where he dances in a yellow raincoat for no discernible reason.
Expendable: Terry Crews
Show: Battle Dome
T-MONEY DONE GET ROBBED. Be sure to stick around long enough to see Rick “Hot Stuff” Steiner’s crew beat the old spice out of Crews’s bodyguards. For what it’s worth, Crews is also pretty great on The Newsroom, though this is obviously his greatest role:
Followed by Cool Crush Ice Killa in Puff, Puff, Pass.
Expendable: Dolph Lundgren
Show: Blackjack (TV movie)
Blackjack was the failed TV show-to-be that was wedged between Face/Off and Mission Impossible II in John Woo’s then-busy schedule. So, really, it was the beginning of the end for Woo, who was never meant to be in America. It wasn’t for lack of trying, though: he gave us 15 slow-motion murders in Blackjack, including one featuring Dolph Lundgren shooting someone while bouncing on a trampoline. Why didn’t things work out?
Yeah, I dunno, either.
Expendable: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Show: The New Dating Game
“…and I love to laugh.”
“Then how do you explain Jingle All the Way?”
/snaps woman’s back, killing her instantly
//cheats on wife with her
Expendable: Jean-Claude Van Damme
Show: Domingo Legal
The fact that there isn’t an indie band named Jean-Claude Van Damme Erection seems like a missed opportunity. Also, why are there 12-year-old girls in the audience? They’re gonna be really confused when Van Damme’s acid-washed jeans aren’t actually acid-washed.
Expendable: Chuck Norris
Show: Walker, Texas Ranger
Chuck Norris might be a homophobic asshole, but this is the greatest clip in TV history.
