Now that we’ve got all that Canada pandering out of the way, it’s time to talk about what really matters: AMERICA. For this week, we celebrate our Independence Day. July 4th will be spent eating massive amounts of food, drinking ungodly gallons of beer from flag-wrapped beer bottles, blowing sh*t up in the sky, and bitching about the new Jay-Z album. It’s going to be great, but until then, I’d like to take a moment to recognize some TV show characters that embody everything occasionally evil, but most greatly about this country of ours. Haha, not Australia — that’s the GREATEST country — but America. It’s the dream we all share. It’s the hope for tomorrow. F*CK. YEAH.
1. Richard Harrow
The right to the world’s most convincing plastic surgery.
2. Stan Rizzo
The right to grow a magnif(*cking)icent beard.
3. Liz Lemon
The right to LOVE, the right to LIFE, the right to night cheese.
4. Lucille Bluth
The right to get drunk during the day. And afternoon. And late afternoon. And early evening.
5. Daryl Dixon
The right to name a baby after a physical threat.
6. Keith Charles and David Fisher
The right to BE WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.
7. Tina Belcher
The right to philosophize (about sex toys).
8. Randy Marsh
The right to weed, assuming you live in Colorado.
9. Nick Miller
The right to a sandwich and/or sex 24/7.
10. Walter White
The right to quote Destiny’s Child while simultaneously being a menacing monster.
11. Dr. Zoidberg
The right to dream of a better future.
12. Tyrion Lannister
The right to hate a fictional character more than anyone you know in real life.
13. Bart Simpson
The right to wash yourself with a rag on a stick.
14. Roger Smith
The right to say exactly how you feel.
15. Frank Reynolds
The right to change your name to something befitting your personality.
16. Kenny Powers
The right to redemption, while thrusting your dick at the opponent while wearing an American flag as a cape.
17. Dr. Venture
The right to call everyone and anyone a Nazi, especially in Internet message boards.
18. Brad Williams and Jane Kerkovich-Williams
The right to impersonate a police officer.
19. Britta Perry
The right to believe (or not believe) in whatever (or whomever) you choose (or don’t choose).
20. Ron Swanson
The right to eat as much meat as humanly possible. And then some.
