“The Wire” never won an Emmy. Just think about that for a second. “The Wire,” quite possibly the greatest show of all-time, was considered “less good” by the Television Academy than “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” “The Practice,” “Joan of Arcadia,” and “Boston Legal.” IT WAS ONLY NOMINATED FOR TWO AWARDS IN ITS ENTIRE FIVE-SEASON RUN. That’s one-fourth of what f*ckin’ Monk, Tony Shalhoub, earned by himself. And don’t get me started on the Academy’s lack of love for “Buffy.” Jiminy jillikers.
The lack of Bunk love has been on my mind lately because although the final Emmy nominees for the 2011-2012 season haven’t been announced yet, you can see everyone and everything that COULD be selected here. It’s interesting seeing which episodes different shows consider to be their best (“Breaking Bad,” for instance, submitted seven selections for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series, while “Game of Thrones” went with four), but it’s even more fascinating finding the shows that shouldn’t be on the same ballot as “Justified.” This is a list of 12 worst-case scenarios of people and series that could win more Emmys this year than “The Wire” ever did.
Which is to say: one.
Show: “Toddlers & Tiaras”
Category: Outstanding Reality Program
On any given weekend across the country, toddlers take the stage wearing makeup, spray tans and fake hair to be judged on beauty, personality and costumes. TODDLERS & TIARAS follows families on their quest for sparkly crowns, big titles and lots of cash.
The Emmys have been looking to capture the influential pedophile crowd.
Actress: Sarah Wayne Callies (as Lori Grimes)
Show: “The Walking Dead”
Category: Outstanding Lead Actress In a Drama Series
“I’d like to thank the Academy for helping me remember to look for Carl.”
Show: “Christmas Comes Home to Canaan”
Category: Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
In this sequel, the sweet Southern farming family returns as Daniel Burton takes his son to California for experimental surgery and falls for a beautiful rehabilitation doctor. But Daniel struggles to incorporate her into his simple family life when she spends Christmas with his family in Canaan, Texas.
If you guessed this Hallmark special stars Billy Ray Cyrus, you are so right. “Hey there Miley, help me move dem there beer cans out of the firepit. Gotta make run for Santa.” Billy calls everyone Miley.
Show: “Wicked Tuna”
Category: Outstanding Reality Program
In Gloucester, Mass., there’s a special breed of fishermen. For generations, they have used rod and reel to catch the elusive Bluefin tuna. They have 10 weeks to make a year’s salary. Part master fishermen, part maniacs…they gamble everything for the chance to hook as many as they can.
Oh, good, a show that FINALLY combines two of my least favorite things: giant fish and Boston expressions. If its soundtrack includes Staind, I’m making “Wicked Tuna” my underdog pick of the year.
Show: “I Hate My Teenage Daughter”
Category: Outstanding Comedy Series
F*CK YOUUUUUUUU.
Show: “Trinity Goodheart”
Category: Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
When Trinity Goodheart is visited by an angel who leaves her a pendant belonging to her long-lost mother, Trinity concludes that her mother needs help. What ensues is an effort by Trinity to reunite her disjointed family and, in the process, she teaches them about love, faith and forgiveness.
I’m convinced that “Trinity Goodheart” is the name of a strict, yet understanding Puritan schoolteacher from the 1600s, not something that aired on NATIONAL TELEVISION in 2011. I bet that old Asian man is wise and teaches the young black girl a lesson.
Actress: Nancy Grace
Show: “Raising Hope”
Category: Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
A mockumentary-style episode, Nancy Grace examines the “real story” of Hope’s mom, serial killer Lucy Carlisle. Grace interviews each member of the Chance family, all of whom relay personal accounts of exactly what happened when Jimmy met Lucy back in 2008.
What would a tone-deaf manatee in a dress do with an Emmy anyway?
Show: “Allen Gregory”
Category: Outstanding Animated Program
Episode: “Pilot”
Allen Gregory DeLongpre, the world’s most spoiled and pretentious seven-year-old, is forced, for the first time, to attend elementary school with kids his own age. On his first day, he struggles to fit in with the popular crew, and falls deeply in love with the elderly Principal Gottlieb.
With no due respect to “Work It,” “Allen Gregory” was the WORST new series of the 2011-2012 TV season. I don’t want to relive the agony of this show and its awful, cruel protagonist, but suffice it to say, if “Allen Gregory” pulls a Kurt Russell and gets a nomination over “American Dad,” I will…actually, no. “Allen Gregory” doesn’t deserve an elaborate death threat. It’s not worth it. WHY WERE YOU SO BAD???
Show: “!Rob!”
Category: Outstanding Art Direction For a Multi-Camera Series
Here’s the synopsis for the episode that was chosen for this category:
Rob asks Hector to teach him Spanish in secret.
The way the, um, artist directed Rob! trying to say “chimichangas” was particularly inspired.
Show: “Mad Men”
Episode: “Tea Leaves”
Category: Outstanding Prosthetic Makeup for a Series, Miniseries, Movie, or a Special
Betty played by January Jones wore a custom sculpted fat makeup which included 8 silicone pieces covering her face, neck, upper and lower arms. The makeup was applied 9 times concealing her pregnancy then re-sculpted to match continuity exactly, applied another 9 times post-birth during the duration of season 5. Glued with Telesis, Mixed mediums include washes and splattering of Illustrator and crème make-up to achieve her porcelain tone. 1960’s beauty make-up finished the character.
I can’t decide if I want to live in a world where FAT BETTY wins an award, or if I’d just rather watch this GIF of FAT BETTY eating Bugles until the end of time. Actually, I’ll take the Bugles.
Show: “Jeff Dunham: Birth of a Dummy”
Category: Outstanding Nonfiction Special
Comedian and ventriloquist, Jeffrey Dunham began his career with the wildly popular DVD release, Spark of Insanity in 2007 and has since become one of the world’s top-grossing comedians. His characters—popular and controversial at the same time—have inspired praise from his fans, and sharp rebukes from his critics.
Sweet Daddy Dee could make a special appearance to discuss pimp-slapping the crowd…with comedy. Then Achmed the Dead Terrorist would tell his great bit about bombing the audience…with laughter. Then I’d blow up wherever the Emmys are this year. The irony would be lost on no one.
Show: “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”
Category: Outstanding Reality Program
KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS gives viewers an inside look at this unique American family, from vigorous arguments to practical jokes, weddings and babies, and all the Hollywood-filled moments in between.
An Emmy would look really nice on the Kardashian mantel, right next to Kim’s multiple Teen Choice Awards and Kanye West’s penis.
