On my deathbed, in however many years, I won’t remember the name of the first girl I kissed or where I put my dang keys. But I will remember these four words: “Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers.”
That may sound grim, but few things in life have brought me more joy recently than saying or thinking about Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers. It’s impossible to not read the title of the game show in Walton Goggins’ sticky Southern drawl, and see his bleached teeth, too.
Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers (I’m going to type that collection of words as many times as possible) was my favorite thing about season three of HBO’s The Righteous Gemstones. But it was followed closely by Uncle Baby Billy’s entrances. The host of Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers appeared in six of the nine episodes this season, and he made an impression during his first scene in all of them. Judy might think Baby Billy’s sh*t sucks, but we don’t. Let’s rank his entrances, from great to greatest.
6. Episode 4, “I Have Not Come to Bring Peace, But a Sword”
How did Walton Goggins react when The Righteous Gemstones star and co-creator Danny McBride asked him to play a 70-year-old man of god? “I started laughing, because I didn’t think he was serious,” he said. McBride added, “It was amazing to watch him transform into this old man. Walton just disappears in every role that he’s in, I think he’s one of the most talented actors I’ve ever been around.” (We agree.) Goggins really leaned into Uncle Baby Billy’s physicality this season, whether he was pushing a stroller with the force of someone shoveling snow during a blizzard (we’ll get there) or hiding in the bushes before threatening to turn his nephew’s fat ass red.
5. Episode 8, “I Will Take You by the Hand and Keep You”
Uncle Baby Billy doesn’t have much to do in the penultimate episode of the season. He speaks as Jesse’s “spiritual mentor” during a meeting with Eli, who he scolds for not paying a $15 million ransom. Baby Billy’s exit is more memorable than his entrance; he leaves the room doing a half-hearted moonwalk while wearing a flashy suit that looks like pajamas. We also learn that he believes in reincarnation, so that’s something to explore in season four.
4. Episode 6, “For Out of the Heart Comes Evil Thoughts”
This episode might have ranked higher if it included the hologram of Aimee-Leigh glitching into a digital DMX performing “Party Up (Up In Here),” but that comes later on, and therefore isn’t eligible. Besides, this episode belonged to Tim Baltz’s BJ. If Uncle Baby Billy was season three’s biggest scene stealer, BJ was the MVP (it could also go to Edi Patterson’s Judy, but she would win every year). His balls-tugging tussle should be taught in self-defense classes.
3. Episode 7, “Burn for Burn, Wound for Wound, Stripe for Stripe”
https://twitter.com/TheDouggernaut/status/1683889806768582673
Let’s go straight to the clip.
This is better than any Kramer entrance. Also, Baby Billy and the delightful Tiff are one of my favorite couples on television. All they need is each other… and some roadside ass… and a stack of waffles… and a syndicated game show that definitely isn’t a religious rip-off of Family Feud. We should all be so lucky.
2. Episode 3, “For Their Nakedness Is Your Own Nakedness”
Should Uncle Baby Billy’s first appearance of the season, when he sings “Pay Day” while wearing a decadent giant clam shell by the pool of a religious-themed resort, be number one? Maybe! It’s a sublime sequence, and I’m tickled by Goggins being sent the song while he was “working in Namibia.”
But there are two reasons why I have it as the runner-up. The first: As much as I enjoy seeing Uncle Baby Billy sing to sunburnt Christians about how the lord promised them a payday that day, it’s still the show’s second-best musical number after the iconic “Misbehavin’” from season one. I haven’t run around the house with a pickle in my mouth since. As for the second reason, well…
1. Episode 9, “Wonders That Cannot Be Fathomed, Miracles That Cannot Be Counted”
As soon as I saw Uncle Baby Billy tell his nephews about the time he and race car driver Dusty Daniels, played by the great Shea Whigham, went to a Y2K Party where they may or may not have met Gene Hackman and may or may not have had sex with each other at an orgy, I got the idea for this post and started writing. I eventually watched the rest of the episode and enjoyed the heck out of it (still waiting on that Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers spinoff series), but the cold open was the best part. It’s like an album peaking with track one. And this is the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” of Uncle Baby Billy’s entrances.
