Captain Holt’s (Andre Braugher) freshly acquired collection of novelty shirts (bought from a gift shop after he left New York in a hurry during last night’s season premiere of Brooklyn Nine-Nine) portrayed a sense of either bro-y or ironic (but not both) whimsy that would be hilariously out of place on the captain’s body in a normal episode of the show. But with Holt sulking and getting darkly philosophical as he works through the five stages of grief following a bit of a personal let down, well, the sight gag feels like a B99 all-timer and something we wanted to really focus on in this surprisingly deep ranking of Holt’s novelty shirts (which is best enjoyed after having seen the episode. For both humor and spoiler reasons).
5. Three Tequilas And The Floor
I don’t know that being floored by three itty-bitty shots of tequila is something I’d want to broadcast on a tee shirt. Really, you’re celebrating failure, not fun. And you’re doing it with a sort of slime green tri-blend. What kind of message is that? Maybe that’s why they chose this shirt for the moment when Holt decided to quit the Nine-Nine and metaphorically lay down on the soothingly cold linoleum floor of his life after losing out in his bid to be commissioner, his head spun around by the bitter brew that the universe’s bartender had recently served him. I’m so proud of him for getting up, smacking a hand down on the Formica bar (it’s not a very nice place), asking for another shot, and, above all else, changing that shirt. I don’t even believe that that change happened because of a lube accident (imagine someone reading that line having not seen the episode). I think Holt shed that shirt like a caterpillar sheds its trash caterpillar legs and other parts during the pupa stage before becoming a glorious butterfly.
4. DTF – Down To Fiesta
We’re already leaps and bounds ahead of the tequila failure shirt. Fun tee shirts should be fun. It’s a chest billboard advertising the kind of person you are. Consider your brand.
I don’t know that, according to the vibes he was putting out at the time, Holt was really down to fiesta but maybe there’s a small part of him that was crying out and hoping someone would pull him into a fiesta and take him away from his problems for a little while. Sometimes we need to be nudged to get out of our own heads, you know? I guess Jake and Amy tried to do that. They do seem fun when they’re beating people over the head with their stacks on stacks on stacks and, in private, with their Die Hard sexcapades, but with Holt, their vacation was all about sitting in tepid water and eating cold fish. I love Amy’s ferocity when Holt dents Jake’s goofy outer shell by calling him selfish, but consider the other side: this man was in pain and needed to get on a jet ski or slam street tacos and dance until 5AM. He did not need a mud mask. Of course he lashed out.
3. Slut Pineapple
Not a typo. I know we’re fighting now but don’t think of this middling rating as a mark against the Slut Pineapple tee shirt. The Slut Pineapple shirt is a gift, with its cheekiness and the way that it has the demonstrated power to spark conversation. Is the pineapple a slut or is the wearer a slut for pineapples? It has the potential to be the blue dress/yellow dress of 2019 and the answer says a lot about you.
If you think the pineapple is a slut, well, it’s a bit of a conflict. Maybe you’re the kind who can open your mind to the possibility that despite their hard and spiky exterior and their lack of sentience, that pineapples are open for a good time and willing to advertise it. But maybe also you’re dealing with some sexual repression because you’re totally okay branding something as a slut because it wants to dress it up with a hot pink underthing and live its life. And if you’re team #SlutForPineapples, maybe you just really like fresh cut pineapple or a glass of pineapple juice. The world is filled with both kinds.
2. What’s Up Beaches
I like that Holt needs to explain that “Beaches” is a sub for “Bitches” to Jake, because based on his response to Amy saying “this B needs a C in her A,” chances are he may not have gotten the joke. Also, that’s where the novelty tee shirt industry draws the line? The word bitches but not the word slut. Noted.
As far as humor reasons go, this shirt is pretty high up there and it also brings our initial glimpse of Holt in sour and south of the border mode. It’s also a shirt that wants to make friends or a gregarious garment, if you will.
“What’s Up Beaches?”
“How Are You Beaches?”
“Would You Like To Drink Mezcal On The Beach And Maybe Also Do A Conga Line Beaches?”
Like Holt’s DTF shirt, this one is a message from the aching and hidden part of his soul that doesn’t want to sit and sulk or shake a fist at the world. It’s the part that wants people to come up, ask “What’s Up” with him, and make a real connection. Because doing that is so honestly rare and truly transformational. A lifeline in a moment such as this, really. This is a good shirt.
1. Hard Bod Shirt (Gun Show Cut)
This is Holt’s dress up shirt. It also feels like another dispatch from within. Are the muscles who Holt wants to be? Strong and impervious to blows; the exact opposite of how he feels while still (emotionally) in such close proximity to one of the most devastating moments of his life? Or is it more of an instinctual defense mode thing? Like when you sense a bear and you bang pots and make a series of loud yip like noises to scare it away from you, seeming bigger and more scary than you really are when, really, you are incredibly vulnerable. The question is: does Holt want the muscles or does he need the muscles?
It’s also a novelty shirt classic whose effective strength and confidence in what it has to offer comes across with a simple glance. Bold but not showy. It doesn’t need to rely on wordplay or shocking labels. It just is, much like Captain Raymond Holt. Yes, I’ll take one of these in a size double XL, please and thank you.
