As the lovably mean-spirited star of Comedy Central’s South Park, Eric Cartman has become known for his often immoral and deplorable schemes that often have only his self-interest in mind. Despite being both short-tempered and foul-mouthed, though, Cartman has managed to put together a rather impressive job history for a kid with behavioral issues. Cartman then uses these positions of power and “authoritah” to carry out his actions, even manipulating quite a few others along the way.
To celebrate the sinister self-starter in all of us and Cartman’s various employment highlights, here’s a look at some of the more interesting highlights from his resume so far.
Athletic Administrator – “Crack Baby Athletic Association”
When Kyle learns that Cartman has been volunteering at a nearby hospital working with infants who were born addicted to crack, he’s immediately suspicious of his true motives. Before long, Kyle finds out that Cartman had been making these children fight one another, similar to the Bum Fights phenomenon of the time. Ever the smooth-talker, Cartman manages to bring Kyle on board as his bookkeeper after giving him a pitch justifying what they do.
While Kyle eventually develops some real guilt over the ordeal, Cartman doubles down, turning to the college athletics circuit for some pointers on how to better exploit the infants for his own gain. In a twist of irony, just as Cartman and the others expect to cash in big on the video game rights, it turns out corporate America does the same thing to them.
Hall Monitor – “Miss Teacher Bangs A Boy”
Once Cartman learns it’s his turn to be made Hall Monitor, Principal Victoria advises to not let this newfound responsibility go to his head. Of course, it takes all of three seconds before Cartman takes on the persona of then-reality TV sensation Dog The Bounty Hunter, complete with a fake beard and a real attitude. After spending the episode ruthlessly bullying his classmates, brah, he does end up helping to blow the lid off a teacher/student love affair involving Kyle’s infant brother, Ike.
Podcast Host – “You Have 0 Friends”
During South Park’s send-up of Facebook, Cartman begins hosting a video podcast called “Mad Friends,” a send-up of Jim Cramer’s CNBC program Mad Money. In it, Cartman angrily shouts at the camera, declaring who were the best commodities to have as Facebook friends, all of which contributed to the misery of online loner Kip Drordy, for whom the episode is named.
Butters’ Robot – “AWESOM-O”
This wasn’t technically a job as much as it was something Cartman got stuck doing, but when he donned a cardboard costume and had himself “delivered” to Butters, he declares AWESOM-O to be his personal robot. Intended to be a short-lived prank, soon Cartman learns that Butters has some incredibly embarrassing footage of him wearing a Britney Spears costume in his back yard, which means he has to stick around until he can find it. In the end, Cartman’s costume fools everyone from Hollywood to The Pentagon, who are all eager to tap into AWESOM-O’s potential.
Morning Announcements – “Dances With Smurfs”
After their school’s previous announcer, Gordon Stoltski, was killed in a case of mistaken identity, Cartman sabotages his way through the audition process, ensuring that he will get the job. Not willing to just read the morning announcements, Cartman takes the opportunity to use it as a platform to attack school president Wendy Testaburger. His empty, spiteful rhetoric helps escalate his notoriety, becoming a caricature of faux-outraged pundits, Cartman even goes so far as to accuse her of taking part in a secret plot to kill all The Smurfs.
While Wendy ends up revealing the truth, something Cartman clearly didn’t see coming, it lets him ascend to the position of school president. Being that he’s not allowed to hold both jobs, it costs him the morning announcements position, which then defaults to the velvet-voiced third-grader, Casey Miller.
Startup Entrepreneur – “Go Fund Yourself”
The boys start working together to think of a name for their startup company, based solely on the idea of allowing them do absolutely nothing. Cartman, meanwhile, comes up with the idea to name their company the Washington Redskins, given that the patent on the name has become available. Throughout the episode, Cartman proves himself a shrewd negotiator not only when the NFL team comes asking for use of their name back, but when Stan, Kyle, and Kenny decide to part ways with him.
While Cartman and the others mend fences and made inroads toward doing nothing, their use of the name Washington Redskins starts to cause problems for them, as well. Rather than change the company name, Cartman and the others simply lose interest and go back to school.
Police Officer – “Chickenlover”
Midway through South Park‘s second season, when it was just starting to become a mainstream, pop-culture behemoth, Cartman assumed the role of town constable after it was discovered that Officer Barbrady was illiterate. What follows is our first real look at the power-hungry sociopath that would develop before our eyes over the next 17 seasons. Of course, it’s best remembered for Cartman’s angrily repeated demand that everyone respect his “authoritah.” And we did and do. We did… and we do.
