Here’s the plan, if I understand the most recent episode of Game of Thrones correctly. Jon Snow and his crew of bearded misfits — the fuzzy Avengers, if you will — are headed out into the great snowy unknown with the goal of kidnapping one White Walker from the army of marching ice zombies, facing odds that work out to something like seven versus a few thousand, rounded up or down depending on how many normal people soulless 20-foot giant zombies are worth. Then they will bring that White Walker to Cersei in King’s Landing in the hopes it will convince the notoriously cynical and manipulative queen to abandon her plans to defend her throne — like three days after Daenerys roasted a huge chunk of her army and a lord who recently swore his loyalty — and turn over her forces to help them. Then, assuming both of those steps work, they’re all going to line up and head out to face the Night King as one unit, and then work out the battle for control of Westeros later.
All of which, I mean, okay? It certainly is… a plan. Yup, definitely a plan. Not necessarily a good plan. It is an incredibly dangerous and complicated plan, and I haven’t figured out which of its steps is a bigger longshot, which is really saying something because one step involves kidnapping a dang zombie.You could even go so far as to call all of this a bad plan. But it is definitely a plan. Gotta give them that. Here’s another plan, though.
Just use the dragons.
It’s pretty simple, in theory. Take the three dragons out beyond the wall, roast the Walkers with fire (or rain down dragonglass spears on them from the sky, if fire won’t work), then swoop back through King’s Landing and take the throne. I know Daenerys doesn’t want to torch the entire city, probably, but I don’t think she’d even have to. Word is probably spreading mighty quickly about what happened on that battlefield. She could conceivably land all three dragons in the center of town and take over through sheer intimidation. Cersei wouldn’t like it, and would pitch and unbelievable fit, but there’s not much she can do about it without an army behind her. We saw how loyal the army was after Randyll and Dickon got executed via inferno. And who could blame them? Would you want to cross anything that is capable of this?
No thanks.
Just use the dragons.
I want to clarify something here: I’m not saying this plan guarantees success. Something could go wrong. Maybe the Walkers have some sort of dragon-defense system better than “build a big dumb wooden crossbow.” Maybe Cersei has a crazy trick up her sleeve to trap the dragons if they come to King’s Landing. Maybe there will be a big thunderstorm and three separate bolts of lightning will hit the dragons one at a time and they will fall out of the sky and land on the entire Dothraki army and everyone will end up electrocuted and smushed. Anything could happen. All I’m saying is that, based only on what the people in the room knew, it sure seemed like a better and more simple idea than what they came up with.
Actually, no. That’s not all I’m saying. I’m also saying Why didn’t anyone even bring it up in the meeting? My God. Imagine being in that meeting and not even mentioning the dragons. Even if it was just to point out the better version of their present plan, which would involve a dragon swooping in and plucking a Walker off the ground and flying it to King’s Landing in its teeth, and thus not risking the lives of the King of the North (Jon), Dany’s hopelessly smitten servant (Jorah), and my beloved Tormund (Tormund!). How do you hear this whole cockamamie idea while dragons swoop and screech outside the window without raising your hand and saying “Right, but… what about the dragons?” Especially after your two dragonless plans were such catastrophic failures (Euron Greyjoy destroys the navy, Jaime pulls an okie-doke and takes out the Tyrells while the army storms Casterly Rock) and your one dragon-related plan was an unequivocal success (see GIF above). Come on, people.
Just use the dragons.
And this is the braintrust that is supposed to save Westeros? These are the leaders and political geniuses pulling the strings on a revolution? The Seven Kingdoms are so hosed, man. These poor people have two potential rulers: one, a ruthless alcoholic mass murderer; two, a team that has dragons and still thinks “send seven dudes in fur coats to kidnap a zombie and then trust a sociopath” is the best course of action. Robert Baratheon was a fat lazy drunk whose wife cuckolded him with her own brother and even he seems like a better option at this point. (Rest in peace.)
Or Bronn. Bronn would use the dragons. Bronn would 100 percent use the dragons. He might then use them to rob the Iron Bank and live in luxury on whatever the Westerosi equivalent of Ibiza is, sure. But not until after. Probably. Okay, maybe he’d do all that first. But he’d come back when he’s done. Possibly. Whatever. Not important.
Just use the dragons.
I can’t believe this isn’t their first reaction to everything. I would be recommending dragon-related solutions to everything, large and small. People would get so sick of it.
DAENERYS: The kitchen is out of wine.
ME: Maybe we shoul-
DAENERYS: Are you going to say “use the dragons to get more wine”?
ME: … No?
DAENERYS: Okay, what’s your idea?
ME: We should… uh… we should… go… uh…
DAENERYS: You were going to suggest using the dragons, weren’t you?
ME: WELL WHAT’S THE POINT OF EVEN HAVING THEM, THEN?
I’d end up in some dungeon before the end of the first day. Still, the point stands.
Just use the dragons.
Now, I will say this. I understand why the show chose the plan it did. Dragoning-up a solution to every problem would make for a pretty dull and anti-climactic ending to the series. The show has painted itself into a corner a little bit by giving Dany a borderline unstoppable doomweapon with over a full season left, and it needs to figure out ways to avoid her just using it to settle all family business in the first 10 minutes of the next episode. Sending Jon and a team of bastards and misfit toys out on a borderline suicide mission to save humanity from powerful frost-hearted villains, on the other hand, makes for more interesting television, because rooting for scrappy outgunned underdogs is fun. Same goes for setting up a meeting between Tyrion and Cersei where they try to outflank each other while their eyes burn with hatred. Those scenes will probably be pretty cool and I’m excited that they are on the table as the season ends. So, fine.
But within the context of the show, in the Game of Thrones universe, inside the Dragonstone situation room, where a small group of people are trying to figure out how to kill thousands of ice zombies and overthrow a tyrant, maaaaan. There’s no need to make this harder than it has to be. The solution is obvious. Say it with me, one last time.
Just use the freaking dragons.
