Eugene Mirman is one of those “oh, that guy” celebrities. He’s certainly a hilarious stand-up comic (in fact, one of this writer’s personal favorites). He’s also a frequent guest host on Neil deGrasse Tyson’s StarTalk Live podcasts and live shows, as well as a cast member of Bob’s Burgers on Fox. Fans of his stand-up, however, will be familiar with his full page ad he took out in various New York newspapers that featured his open letter to Time Warner Cable (you can also hear him read the letter on stage in the video above.)
Well, he’s at it again. During a recent visit to Portsmouth, N.H., Mirman found a ticket for $15 placed on his car for the crime of “parking in the wrong direction.” Sure, he could simply pay the ticket and be done with it. However, the genie was already out of the bottle and Mirman just had to share his feelings with Portsmouth’s local newspaper in another full-page ad:
For those who can’t read that:
Dear Portsmouth, NH, and Especially the Parking Clerk’s Office,
Last June I had a wonderful day walking around your historic downtown with my girlfriend. I bought two puppets, who turned out to be gay. Just kidding, they’re puppets. We stopped in cute shops, ate a popover and saw Black David Cross. It was nice.
Then — when we returned to our car, on the windshield was a ticket. “What could this possibly be for,” I thought. I paid for three hours of parking (but only used two — you’re welcome, Portsmouth.) Is it a crime in Portsmouth to not use all of the parking you bought? How’d you know I’d be back early? Do you have a PreCrime division? Why are your PreCogs working on traffic tickets? Shouldn’t they be out preventing Street Performers before they happen? But no, I read the violation—we backed into a spot and were being fined $15 for being “parked in the wrong direction.”
What kind of horsesh*t charge is that? It’s illegal to back into a spot? Before I embarrass myself, I want to make sure that Portsmouth is still inside the United States and not considered a part of Iran?
You’re probably thinking, “Well, if before visiting Portsmouth, like everyone else — you’d simply gone to the City Clerk’s Office website, clicked on City of Portsmouth ordinances and looked in chapter seven — Vehicles, Traffic and Parking. Right there in section 7.316: BACK TO CURB, it says, “No vehicle shall remain backed up to the curb.” Similarly, if you had gone to my website before I came to your city and clicked on Eugene’s ordinances, you’d know that in Chapter One under “F*CK You Don’t Steal My Money,” in section 8.215 is says, “F*CK You Don’t Steal My Money.”
But even if I had gone to your website — is states that the online ordinances are not an official copy — that for the official ordinances, I have to call 610-7245. Why no area code? Am I calling from a local payphone in 1986? But instead, I foolishly looked around for signs, both real and from God. I saw nothing, but I heard God’s voice, and he said, “This is f*cking bullsh*t. You need to write them a letter.”
Lastly, as you know, New Hampshire‘s state motto is General John Stark’s celebrated quote, “Live Free or Die,” which he famously said before attempting the first recorded self-BJ. If John Stark was alive today, he would be 287 years old — also, right after learning about cars, General Stark would then be disgusted to discover that Portsmouth doesn’t even give people the freedom to back into a spot — which by your own state’s twisted logic, turns my $15 ticket — into a fight to the death.
With Great Disappointment In You,
Eugene Mirman
No word yet as to the response from the Portsmouth PD.
