CBS’ juggernaut, Survivor, has just announced the newest cast for its 28th season (!!) Survivor: Cagayan, or as it’s becoming known, Survivor: Brains, Brawn and Beauty. I won’t lie, I am a huge fan of Survivor and love when they do these cheesy theme seasons. It tickles the part of me that likes “Hang In There” posters and argyle socks. Let’s take a look at the newest cast members and for good measure make a guess on where they’ll finish.
Feel free to chime in on where you think they’ll finish. If you get the final 3 correct you will earn an acknowledging head-nod and smirk from me.
(Banner via Yahoo. All Images and Cast Bios via CBS)
Cliff Robinson (!!)
Team: Brawn
Holy crap! Uncle Cliffy! A veteran of 18 NBA seasons, Cliff is definitely the highest profile player this season. At 6’10” he’s also the one who will get asked the most to get coconuts for the girls. Just try telling me he’s not Kevin Durant’s father. Go ahead.
He’s likeable and he’ll be a physical threat, but he’s such a threat that he won’t make the finals.
Predicted Finish: 8th place
Garrett Adelstein
Team: Brains
Yes, that’s right, pro Poker Player (ugh) Garrett Adelstein is on Team Brains, I guess because he concentrates hard when he waxes his chest? Guys like Garrett always last a bit longer than they should until they’re betrayed in spectacular fashion before the merge.
Predicted Finish: 11th place
Jefra Bland
Team: Beauty
Miss Teen Kentucky Jefra Bland (how apropos) is the assumed token ditzy blonde. She’ll be adorable, she’ll look good in a bikini and she will probably say something terribly, terribly unintelligent/racist at some point.
Predicted Finish: 9th place
LJ McKanas
Team: Beauty (really?)
Professional Horse Trainer LJ McKanas comes from Boston, Massachusetts, because obviously when you think horses you think of the lush Quincy countryside. I have no idea if he’ll be the “SAWX RULE” type of Masshole, or the “WE WILL HAVE ORDAH!” type. Time will tell.
Predicted Finish: Are there horses on Survivor? No? Ok then. 15th Place
David Samson
Team: Brains
David Samson is the President of the Miami Marlins. Yes, the Miami Marlins who are the laughingstock of Major League Baseball. If David got to choose the sides in the first episode there’d be one big team at the beginning, everyone would get a million dollars just for showing up and no one would do any challenges, just bitch to ESPN reporters as Jeff Probst wonders what is happening.
Predicted Finish: Cmon. 18th Place
J’Tia Taylor
Team: Brains
I know what you’re thinking – yes, that is a sweet tattoo – but J’Tia Taylor is a Nuclear Engineer. So there. Not only is she smarter than you would think, but she’ll probably be pregnant with Cliff Robinson’s child before Episode 4.
Predicted Finish: 5th Place
LaTasha Fox
Team: Brains
LaTasha, or as CBS helpfully nicknames, “Tasha” (thanks for that) is an Accountant from the Lou. Now, if I think that her and J’Tia will actually be great friends and form some sort of “sisterhood,” does that make me terribly racist, or…well, I guess if I have to ask then the answer’s yes.
Predicted Finish: 4th place
Lindsay Ogle
Team: Brawn
OK, so the tattoos and white-person dreds are an instant knock against her chances, but keep in mind she’s a hairdresser you guys. They have lots of skills.
Predicted Finish: 13th place
Alexis Maxwell
Team: Beauty
21 year old student Alexis Maxwell has already won the Camel Toe immunity idol. So she has that going for her. I 100% guarantee she will be the cast member to start a romance that leads to her downfall, a Survivor staple if ever there was one.
Predicted Finish: 12th place
Brice Johnston
Team: Beauty
Oh hello there overly-dramatic-wild-card! If I had to bet my life on which character will have the most “I’ve been dealing with adversity my whole life!” crying moments this season, Brice would be my vote. He looks like a slightly more capable version of Preston from The Challenge, and he’s from Philly, which means he’ll be deceptively tough. Still, look at the other members from the “Beauty” tribe, they’re as lily-white as it gets. They’ll boot Brice the first chance they get. Farewell sweet prince.
Predicted Finish: 14th Place
Jeremiah Wood
Team: Beauty
North Carolina native, male model Jeremiah (this is really my name, I swear) Wood is boring me already. Just look at him. What do you think he models? Camo overalls? Camo hats? Camo rubber boots? Maybe do a few shoulder presses before you wear a tank top, model boy.
Predicted Finish: 16th Place
Morgan McLeod
Team: Beauty
Um. She looks like a nice person.
Predicted Finish: 7th Place
Kassandra McQuillen
Team: Brains
Hey, remember when we were looking at Morgan McLeod? That was fun.
Predicted Finish: She’s a lawyer and “Momma Kass” is a solid nickname. Top 3.
Trish Hegarty
Team: Brawn
A Pilates instructor from Needham, Mass., Trish is the token tough older woman this season. Still, before you make jokes about how pilates isn’t that useful on a show like Survivor, have you ever tried it? My wife took me to a class once and Good Lord, within 10 minutes I was farting, sweating and crying like I was watching Ghostbusters 2 again.
Predicted Finish: 10th place
Tony Vlachos
Team: Brawn
Quick, guess where he’s from and what he does: Yes, you are 100% correct – he’s a cop from New Jersey. Tony will instantly attempt to throw his weight around and establish himself as an authority. Cliff Robinson will laugh at his tribal tattoo.
Predicted Finish: 17th Place, 1st Place in the Vin Diesel celebrity tour
Spencer Bledsoe
Team: Brains
21 year old student Spencer is going to go far. The guys won’t consider him a threat and the girls will consider him adorkable. Expect when he leaves that there will be a lot of tears. Things won’t all be bad for ole Spence though, he’ll totally get to grab a boob off-camera.
Predicted Finish: 6th Place
Yung Hwang
Team: Brawn
Besides possessing a name that I would use if I was a Chinese DJ, Yung Hwang is a Martial Arts instructor from California. He’s probably bad-ass and will win any challenge that involves being zen or concentrating. What he won’t win? His parents’ affection.
Predicted Finish: 2nd Place
Sarah Lacina
Team: Brawn
Sarah is a police officer from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, which according to recent statistics is safer than 18.9% of cities in the U.S. Say no more – I’m in!
Sarah is on Team Brawn, she’s a public servant, she’s from Iowa, she’s under 30 and she’s got a girl-next-door thing going on. I think we have our winner!
Predicted Finish: 1st place
Survivor: Cagayan premieres on CBS February 26th, 2014.
