The penultimate episode of House of the Dragon‘s second season is here, and it’s wilder than the 2024 Olympics opening ceremony, French history lesson set to rock metal included. Team Black is hiring and their recruitment process is pretty brutal. The trade off is a lifetime of riches and power and a dragon, but the application process looks like too much work to us. Still, with more fire power, Rhaenyra sets herself up for a win in season two’s highly anticipated finale as Daemon finally makes some headway in the Riverlands. and the Hightowers scramble to level the playing field.
Here’s where everyone ranks on the leaderboard after House of the Dragon’s latest episode.
Rhaenyra Targaryen
Rhaenyra Targaryen kissed a girl just once and now she’s ready to burn the realm to the ground. The rightful heir’s bisexual awakening is causing all kinds of problems for Team Green this week — and for her bastard kid who’s giving a whole new meaning to the term “coastal elite.” She makes a new ally (quite easily) in Addam of Hull, bringing him and his dragon back home to serve as the de facto mascots for her latest dragon rider recruitment scheme. Is it the best move to give the smallfolk a chance to claim a dragon and hold such sway over the kingdom during a civil war? At this point, who can say. At best, your earn the hella cool moniger of Queen of the Bastards and earn back your throne. At worst, you flirt a bit too much with the concept of democracy and the peasants start questioning your diving right to rule. But Rhaenyra isn’t one for pros and cons lists, and we’re not complaining if we get more parting shots like the episode’s end. This must be how patriots feel whenever they play the national anthem at high school sporting events. This is what coursed through Nicole Kidman’s veins when she left her lawyer’s office after divorcing Tom Cruise. This is what it was like to try a cronut at Smorgasborg in Prospect Park for the first time. This is cinema.
Corlys Velaryon
Sure, Corlys didn’t do much this episode, but he stays winning simply by being the opportunistic manwh*re he’s always been. One son is now a dragonrider, fighting for queen and country as a key player in this war, while the other is happy to fix up his daddy’s boats and ferry traitorous notes to King’s Landing and maybe, one day, inherit the Driftmark crown. For a man who lost both his children and his wife within the span of a decade, Corlys isn’t short of his pick of heirs at the moment. And let’s be honest, that’s the only thing he really cares about.
Mysaria
We’re convinced that Mysaria’s true goal is to overthrow the monarchy and establish an electoral system that would probably wind up putting that Ulf guy on the throne — because, you know, he’s the kind of guy you’d want to have a beer with. But, until that happens, she’s living her best life on Dragonstone, making out with the wife of her ex-lover while inciting a revolution and getting a glimpse of a dragon (or three). Good for her.
Lord Oscar Tully
Oscar Tully is now the lord of his House which means, when he returns to Harrenhal with his Riverlords in tow, he won’t be cowed by a middle-aged man tripping on shrooms and committing war crimes instead of just apologizing to his wife. There’s a bit of sass in the boy and he uses it to dress down Daemon in front of his men, forcing him to repent his sins against his bannermen by beheading the man who ordered all those terrible atrocities against House Bracken. It’s the kind of symbolic b*tchslap Daemon’s needed for a while now.
Addam of Hull
At this point, Addam of Hull is just happy to be here. Two seconds ago, he was digging clams on the beach and wondering if his deadbeat dad would ever legitimize him. Now, he’s a guest at Dragonstone, a member of the queen’s army, and the owner a brand new unbonded dragon. Life really does come at you fast when the kingdom’s at war and you’ve got Valyrian blood running through your veins, and a lonely mythical beast has an aversion to white men.
Hugh Hammer
Sad: Poor Hugh Hammer lost his daughter to the mysterious illness she suffered from for seven whole episodes without one visit to an urgent care clinic. Also sad: Poor Hugh Hammer is the bastard son of a Targaryen prostitute who may have been related to Daemon and Viserys. Not (so) sad: Poor Hugh Hammer caught the eye of the meanest, nastiest little dragon in the Seven Kingdoms and now, he’s got the firepower to demand Aegon pay him his money. Go get that check, Hugh!
Jacaerys Velaryon
Ok, does Jace just need a good dye job? It’s just hair, bro. If you’re tired of being a brunette, go to the Westerosi equivalent of Sally’s and buy some bleach.
Larys Strong
Larys Strong has gone from King’s Landing’s resident Deux Moi to nursemaid for a crippled king whose own brother hopes to kill him the minute he takes a milk-of-the-poppy-fueled catnap. Somewhere along the way, Larys Strong took a wrong turn.
Ulf
The only thing more disappointing than learning Robert Downey Jr. was returning to the MCU as an entirely different character in yet another Russo brothers production is, possibly, the reveal that the town drunk who boasted about his (fake?) Targaryen heritage in order to score free booze actually was worthy enough to ride a dragon. Jace may have had a point after all.
Alicent Hightower
Alicent has upgraded her sad bath routine. She’s now cosplaying as Ophelia from Hamlet, floating in a swamp somewhere in the Kingswood as her son’s f*ck up a kingdom and her girl crush gets busy with one of the hottest women in Westeros. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person, tbh.
Aemond Targaryen
Aemond desperate to convince Vhagar to turn back to King’s Landing, running scared with his tail between his legs because Rhaenyra is backed by half a soccer team’s worth of dragons with angry peasants for riders? Hang a GIF of it in the Louvre, please.
Daemon Targaryen
The good news: Another episode passes without the torture of watching Daemond nightmare f*ck his mom. The bad news: He’s still camped out at that haunted castle because his socially awkward ass just can’t seem to make friends with the Riverlords or its resident witch.
HBO’s House of the Dragon airs on Sunday nights.
