After dozens of misdirections and missed connections, the titular mom will FINALLY (probably) be revealed during the season eight finale of How I Met Your Mother. That episode airs on May 13th, but until then, it’s no use guessing who she is because 1) nearly 200 episodes of How I Met Your Mother is ridiculous, and 2) really, almost 200 EPISODES? Anyway, I’m one of the few people who’s still watching (and occasionally enjoying) the show, so I’ve seen all the random one night stands, would-be soul mates, and almost-prostitutes Ted’s been involved with over the years. So I feel vaguely qualified to present: The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings.
The criteria is simple: using the extremely helpful “List of Ted’s romances” Wiki page, I’ve ranked 30 of Ted’s lady loves since season 1 by both how much I wish they were the mom, so that they’d be around more during season nine, but also by how not-awful of a person they are. The Mother and Robin are exempt because, obviously and also we know “Aunt” Robin doesn’t end up with Bob Saget. We begin with one of Ted’s, to quote Lily, “random skanks.”
#30. Strawberry
Pro: Vegetarian, so she doesn’t eat at Arby’s
Con: Dislikes meat eaters so much that she’ll throw blood on them and scream, “MEAT IS MURDER.”
#29. Karen
Pro: Still well spoken even as a senior citizen, I guess?
Con: Will cheat, will criticize, will always be a pretentious monster
#28. Lizbeth
Pro: Likes lasagna
Con: Hates everything else because she’s so TORTURED and DEEP, might be Garfield in disguise
#27. Royce
Pro: Loves to laugh?
Con: Professional gambler, lives with her brother, sleeps with her brother, paid money to see The Wedding Bride
#26. Jeanette
Pro: Dedicated girlfriend, passionate lover, if anything cares too much, is a policewoman so you can run red lights
Con: Cares WAY too much, stalker, prone to throwing beloved items out windows
#25. Stacey
Pro: Slaps people who say “bro” unironically
Con: Plays bass in a reggae band, probably had white girl dreadlocks at some point
#24. Jen
Pro: Might be Ellen May in disguise, minus the drug addiction
Con: Literally so unmemorable that one might forget they already went on a blind date with her
#23. Blah Blah
Pro: World of Warcraft player
Con: On the wrong side of the hot/crazy scale, sells handbags online, Bellevue Hospital patient
#22. Holli
Pro: Kind of looks like Minka Kelly?
Con: Isn’t named “Holly”
#21. Mary
Pro: Paralegal at a successful company
Con: Easily mistaken for a prostitute
#20. Vicky
Pro: Makes you realize the importance of spending your life with a half-decent person
Con: Jerk to waiters, jerk to bus boys, jerk to old people, jerk to everyone really
#19. Becky
Pro: Bubbly, fun, exuberant, bouncy, perky, gleefulness of a five-year-old…
Con: …all things that get annoying after about five minutes
#18. Molly
Pro: An Ohio 10 (OK, a 10 everywhere)
Con: Usually not a good idea to marry the person you lost your virginity to, lives in Ohio
#17. Zoey
Pro: Can introduce you to The Captain, means well
Con: Saving the environment gets tiring after awhile, always carries a recorder around
#16. Marybeth
Pro: Is cool with spending New Year’s Eve with your friends
Con: Gives off signals that seem to say let’s go on a date, actually say let’s be friends.
#15. Holly
Pro: Um…
Con: Um… (seriously, the only thing we know about Holly is that she reminds Ted of Robin, because her ex-fiance is named Wayne, the last name of Batman, whose partner is Robin, and that she slept with Ted)
#14. Amy
Pro: A whole lot of fun if you’re into drinking and hot tubs and even more drinking
Con: Doesn’t think twice about her ex-boyfriend giving her current hook-up a butterfly tattoo on his lower back
#13. Cathy
Pro: Isn’t shy
Con: Women be talkin’ (her fatal flaw was that she talked too much, so, yeah)
#12. Amanda
Pro: Chef at a nice restaurant, skilled pumpkin cheesecake baker
Con: Misspells Lily as “Lori,” lets her hair fall into the soup she’s preparing
#11. Naomi
Pro: Goes to Halloween parties as slutty pumpkins
Con: Apparently her ex- has a weird past with some kooky made-up religion, warning sign
#10. Carly
Pro: Could be Elisha Cuthbert’s sister
Con: Has Stinson in her (meaning she’s related to Barney), only enjoys the new Star Wars movies
#9. Stella
Pro: Good mom, awesome daughter, can yell STTTTTTEEEELLLLLAAAAAA at her whenever you want
Con: HAS NEVER SEEN ORIGINAL STAR WARS, SAW STAR WARS, HATED STAR WARS
#8. Robyn
Pro: Exactly like Robin (shoots guns, drinks scotch, etc.), blonde
Con: Canadian
#7. Natalie
Pro: Knows Krav Maga, listens to Belle and Sebastian, collects sock monkeys
Con: Prone to getting back with ex-boyfriends who broke up with her over answering machine messages
#6. Natalia
Pro: Gourmet cook, can quote every line from Caddyshack, world class violinist
Con: I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention. My phone was ringing.
#5. Honey
Pro: Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry
Con: Not the sharpest tack, once gave her Social Security number to a Nigerian prince, you’ll be broke in hours
#4. Trudy
Pro: Cool with threesomes, finds drunk people singing in bars sexy, looks like Winnie Cooper
Con: Leaves in the middle of the night, uses pineapples as MacGuffins
#3. Victoria
Pro: Always smells like bread and cupcakes, as sweet as said cupcakes, has the same name as a great Kinks song
Con: Might leave you at the altar, isn’t down with the whole “in love with your best friend” thing
#2. Janet
Pro: Graduated from Princeton at 15, donated kidney to stranger, climbed Mt. Everest, saved a baby, billionaire
Con: Enjoys Annie Hall more than Bananas
#1. Cindy
Pro: Summer. Roberts.
Con: NONE
