The 66th Primetime Emmy Award nominees will be announced this Thursday morning, July 10th. PREPARE TO BE DISAPPOINTED. If we, the creeps of the Internet, were tasked with choosing who deserves an Emmy, the nominee ballots would look very different than they did last year. Out: The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family; in: Review, Broad City, and Walton Goggins. So before Thursday comes and Jim Parsons gets nominated over Danny McBride AGAIN, let’s list our dream Emmy nominees. The only criteria: they have to appear on an official Emmy ballot, which is why — SPOILER — you won’t see Game of Thrones in the writing category.
(Note: names and shows aren’t ranked in any particular order.)
Outstanding Comedy Series
1. Louie
2. Brooklyn Nine-Nine
3. Community
4. Parks and Recreation
5. Orange Is the New Black
6. Review
What Will Win: Modern Family, probably.
What Should Win: Louie and Orange Is the New Black could just as easily appear in the Drama categories, but they’re classified as a Comedy, despite entire episodes of Louie going by without a gut-busting laugh. That being said, very few seasons of TV have ever been as ambitious as what Louis C.K. got away with it, and even if it’s not a “comedy” in the strictest sense, Louie deserves to break up Modern Family‘s streak of mediocrity.
Outstanding Drama Series
1. Breaking Bad
2. True Detective
3. Mad Men
4. Hannibal
5. The Americans
6. Game of Thrones
What Will Win: Breaking Bad.
What Should Win: You can try to convince yourself that True Detective might pull off an upset, but it’s exceedingly likely Breaking Bad will go home with as much gold as Albuquerque has table side guacamole. Deservedly so.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
1. Adam Scott — Parks and Recreation
2. Danny McBride — Eastbound & Down
3. Chris Messina — The Mindy Project
4. Andy Daly — Review
5. Louis C.K. — Louie
6. Christopher Meloni — Surviving Jack
Who Will Win: Jim Parsons
Who Should Win: It’s rare that actors on cancelled shows ever get Emmy love, but if anyone deserves it, it’s Christopher Meloni, who was absurdly funny on the gone-too-soon Surviving Jack.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
1. Zooey Deschanel — New Girl
2. Julia Louis-Dreyfus — Veep
3. Amy Poehler — Parks and Recreation
4. Ilana Glazer — Broad City
5. Anna Faris — Mom
6. Emmy Rossum — Shameless
Who Will Win: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Who Should Win: Julia Louis-Dreyfus. SHE GOT A HAIRCUT SHE’S SO METHOD. (Also, no one delivers such acidic lines with as much passion as JLD does.)
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
1. Bryan Cranston — Breaking Bad
2. Matthew McConaughey — True Detective
3. Mads Mikkelsen — Hannibal
4. Jon Hamm — Mad Men
5. Kevin Spacey — House of Cards
6. Matthew Rhys — The Americans
Who Will Win: Bryan Cranston.
Who Should Win: Cranston vs. McConaughey might be the single toughest pick this year, and if it weren’t Breaking Bad‘s final season, I’d probably go with McConaughey. Hell, I still might. Both are excellent choices, and honestly, as long as it’s not Jeff Daniels (remember when he won last year?), I’ll be happy.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
1. Tatiana Maslany — Orphan Black
2. Tatiana Maslany — Orphan Black
3. Tatiana Maslany — Orphan Black
4. Tatiana Maslany — Orphan Black
5. Lizzy Caplan — Masters of Sex
6. Keri Russell — The Americans
Who Will Win: Tatiana Maslany.
Who Should Win: The only question is which clone will accept the award. #TeamAlison.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
1. Timothy C. Simons — Veep
2. Adam Driver — Girls
3. Andre Braugher — Brooklyn Nine-Nine
4. Chris Pratt — Parks and Recreation
5. Christopher Evan Welch — Silicon Valley
6. Lamorne Morris — New Girl
Who Will Win: Ty Burrell
Who Should Win: The late, great Christopher Evan Welch gave an unforgettable performance in a very short amount of time on Silicon, but I’m giving the trophy to Chris Pratt. Parks and Rec wasn’t the same show while he was busy talking to raccoons, er, in London. Maybe next year, Nick Offerman?
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
1. Kate McKinnon — SNL
2. Alison Brie — Community
3. Marcia Gay Harden — Trophy Wife
4. Anna Chlumsky — Veep
5. Danielle Brooks — Orange Is the New Black
6. Eden Sher — The Middle
Who Will Win: Sofía Vergara.
Who Should Win: Kate McKinnon is the best reason to watch SNL, which gives her the slightest of advantages over Eden Sher, who’s one of the best reasons to watch TV.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
1. Vincent Kartheiser — Mad Men
2. Josh Charles — The Good Wife
3. Jeffrey Wright — Boardwalk Empire
4. Aaron Paul — Breaking Bad
5. Peter Dinklage — Game of Thrones
6. Walton Goggins — Justified
7. Peter Sarsgaard — The Killing
Who Will Win: Aaron Paul.
Who Should Win: Goddamn this category. There are about four more names who deserve a nomination, which is why I went with seven choices instead of six; it’s too tough to narrow down. But narrow down we must, which is why Paul and Goggins are the first to go — they’re great, but they’ve had better seasons. Not enough people saw Peter Sarsgaard on The Killing, so he’s gone; as are Jeffrey Wright and Josh Charles, who disappeared for large chunks of their seasons. Plus, they’re not Peter Dinklage, who practically gift-wrapped his Emmy with his combat by trial speech. So yeah, Tyrion. Sorry, L.A. Pete.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
1. Lena Headey — Game of Thrones
2. Anna Gunn — Breaking Bad
3. Margot Bingham — Boardwalk Empire
4. Christina Hendricks — Mad Men
5. Michelle Monaghan — True Detective
6. Melissa McBride — The Walking Dead
Who Will Win: Anna Gunn
Who Should Win: “Look at the flowers, everyone who isn’t me” — Anna Gunn
Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
1. “Cooperative Polygraphy” — Community
After Pierce’s funeral, the group submits to a lie detector test to determine if any of them are responsible for his death.
2. “So Did the Fat Lady” — Louie
Louie meets somebody new.
3. “The Party” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine
The officers in the precinct head over to Holt’s house to celebrate his birthday, but they wind up making a poor impression on his husband.
4. “The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award” — It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Tired of failing to be recognized for their years of service in the bar industry, the gang changes their ways to give the patrons what they think they want.
5. “Working Girls” — Broad City
Abbi goes to the ends of the Earth to get a package for her neighbor, and Ilana juggles two jobs.
What Will Win: Louie.
What Should Win: I would love, love, love if Sunny got nominated, let alone win, but the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences doesn’t have a sense of humor, and “Win an Award” is one big Emmys middle finger. No, depressing things are right up their alley, and the most depressing episode of these six picks is “Cooperative Polygraphy.” It’s also incredibly funny, and the best case for why Community still has enough creative juice for a sixth season.
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
1. “Ozymandias” — Breaking Bad
Walt’s life unravels, and no one is left unscathed.
2. “The Strategy” — Mad Men
Don undermines Peggy’s confidence by second-guessing her Burger Chef strategy. They work over the weekend and dance to “My Way.” Bob Benson bails out a gay client and proposes to Joan. Pete brings his girlfriend to town and jealously confronts Trudy. Roger is courted by McCann in a steam room.
3. “Mizumono” — Hannibal
Hannibal prepares for his imminent departure with, he believes, Will. Will prepares for a departure of another sort, tying up loose ends, not sure if he’ll survive the trap he’s set for Hannibal. His instincts may prove correct, when Hannibal utters, “To the truth then, and all its consequences.”
4. “The Secret Fate of All of Life” — True Detective
Hart and Cohle kill the Ledoux brothers clearing the Lange case. As the men become heroes, Maggie allows Martin to return home, while Cohle enters a romantic relationship. Gilbough and Papania incite Hart to question Cohle’s past arrest-record.
5. “Shot All to Hell” — Justified
Raylan’s secrets are at stake when a mob revenge plot descends upon Kentucky, and Boyd’s recent successes are tempered by a crushing defeat.
What Will Win: Breaking Bad.
What Should Win: You’ll notice Game of Thrones and The Good Wife aren’t represented above. For some reason, those shows only submitted one episode apiece, “The Children” and “The Last Call,” neither of which are season highs. If The Good Wife had gone with “Hitting the Fan,” it might have had a fighting chance at this category. Then again, probably not, because it’s not every year the BEST EPISODE IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION is nominated. “Ozymandias” it is.
