This week’s installment of The Golden Bachelor marks another pivotal moment in Gerry Turner’s journey to find true love … again. Will it be Leslie, the vivacious dance instructor with an aversion to leather, a love of stale cookies, and the most fascinating dating history of any BachelorNation member yet (she once hooked up with Prince, in case you forgot)? Or will it be Theresa, the New Jersey widow who may have mastered the art of the humble brag but has yet to receive a declaration of love from the Midwestern hunk who stole her heart during a dangerous night drive on the California freeway?
We don’t get the answer tonight but the disappointment is short-lived because, unbeknownst to us, The Golden Bachelor is asking an even more important, oft-ignored question with stakes that go beyond reality TV. Do old people f*ck? We’re about to find out.
Here are the winners and losers of tonight’s fantasy suites episode.
Winner – TLC’s Chasing Waterfalls
TLC’s “Chasing Waterfalls” is a winner for two reasons tonight. First and foremost, the song simply slaps. But despite the lyrical stylings of Chili, T-Bone, and Left Eye warning us against getting too close to these watery natural wonders, chasing waterfalls just happens to be a desperately romantic adventure if you’re two senior citizens searching for a deeper connection in the wild jungles of Costa Rica. Gerry and Leslie test the limits of their aging bodies – and Leslie’s phobia of heights – by rappelling down the side of a 170 ft waterfall before letting their endorphins settle in a swimming pool at its base. The rocks were slippery, but was anything else? We’d have to wait for the overnight date to find out. Still, nothing brings people together quite as quickly (and dramatically) as a death-defying plunge and the threat of a broken hip.
Loser – Horses
You’ll never be able to convince us that it wasn’t Faith’s unhinged equine pets (and not her overbearing children) that ruined her chances with Gerry and now, these oversized donkeys have struck again. After an intense overnight stay with Leslie, Gerry struggled to compartmentalize his feelings for both women during Theresa’s one-on-one date. He was so torn that he spent most of their ride through the jungle more focused on his horse than his potential spouse. Theresa managed to break the tension, but only after she demanded they dismount those trotting c*ckblocks and talk to each other face to face.
Winner – Thermostats
Gerry’s shock when he discovered that even a multi-star resort cushy enough to warrant a reality TV feature was so frugal it set all of its rooms to a sweltering 80 degrees might have been his most relatable moment on the show thus far. It was only topped by Leslie’s sex joke, which managed to display her knack for comedic timing and her scientifically sound take on ideal room temperatures.
Loser – Viagra
It’s not that we wanted to see (or hear) Gerry knocking boots with either of the women during their fantasy suite dates – this isn’t Bachelor in Paradise people – but if The Golden Bachelor really wanted to give an authentic look at later-age dating, they would’ve done better when it comes to product placement. Maybe a quick pan to a bottle of Viagra on Gerry’s nightstand, a peek at a tube of organic lube in Leslie’s overnight bag. Something that said, “Yeah, we’re horny, but we’re also old enough to understand how biology works.”
Winner – The Stock Market
During their romantic dinner date, Gerry confesses to Theresa that he has absolutely no idea what she does for a living. While he’s been enjoying retired life, Theresa’s been teaching herself how to invest and trade in stocks in order to pay for her healthcare. (Just further proof for the ladies out there that even in old age, the patriarchy still manages to f*ck one over.) Not only does her business acumen and competitive drive impress the guy whose post-retirement dream seems to be living on a lake with his dog and driving vintage Ford Broncos, but it also gets him so excited he decides to invite her for an overnight stay as well. Which begs the question, has Gerry been a golddigger this whole time?
Loser – Theresa’s Morning After
Despite a magical evening of … conversation, when Gerry and Theresa wake up in bed together the morning after their fantasy suite date, she still doesn’t get that hoped-for “I love you.” Instead, we’re meant to believe he uttered his true feelings to Theresa sometime in the night once the cameras were turned off. His only confirmation in the unforgiving light of day was a pretty pathetic “You know.” Theresa girl, run.
