This week on Top Chef Charleston, it was team challenges and “trash fish.” But first, the chefs all had a group cry over last week’s eliminado, Handsome Sam. “I can’t believe Sam is really gone!” They quailed. “He was such a great chef!” “Yeah, and so handsome!”
Katsuji even pulled a 1988 Vice Presidential Debate-esque diss out of it. “BJ, you’re a great chef, but I knew Handsome Sam. I cooked with Handsome Sam. You are no Handsome Sam. He was just… so handsome.”
Then in the quickfire, the cheftestants squared off in a holiday “present challenge,” which was not at all like Chopped, nosirree, that could get us sued. You see, in this challenge, each chef received a “present.” And inside each “present” was a basket, er, “box,” which contained a series of ingredients — and things! — that the chefs would have to utilize in their dishes. Winner received immunity, loser got chopped. Er, scorned publicly. Those basket, er, box ingredients (and things!)? A pressure cooker, tequila, pomegranate, chocolate pretzels, cloves, wasabe, squab, and a melon baller. Fun fact: “squab” is actually pigeon. Why don’t they just call it pigeon, then? Well, it’s just that “squab” has a nicer ring to it than “Sewage-dwelling flying hepatitis rat.” Mmm, this is good flying sewage rat, you can really taste the hepatitis.
When they introduced the melon baller, the editors cut to a confessional with Chef Jim (aka Truman Compote) who said “I can’t remember the last time I touched a melon baller!”
Which had to be a huge lie, because if anyone uses a melon baller it’s this adorable Southern house-gnome:
“That’s something you’d see maybe in the pantry of a ’50s housewife,” said Jim.
You mean your pantry? Bro you’re one beehive haircut away from being a Far Side cartoon. You look like a man who’s served a few casseroles.
To judge this challenge, they brought in new Food and Wine Magazine editor Nilou Motamed. And if you know Top Chef, you know this announcement had to be punctuated with some expository resume fluffing.
“Food and Wine Magazine is a top tier food magazine,” said Chef Brooke pointlessly.
I watch six hours of food shows a day and I think I could name at most three other food magazines. How big is that tier?
After that, the chefs competed in a teams-of-two elimination challenge. And who was the guest judge? Why, none other than MIKE LATA. Quick, someone fluff that resume too:
EMILY (aka Avril Terrine): “Mike Lata is an extremely influential person for the scene in Charleston.”
I am an exposition robot, meep morp. Oh, but there was a twist. It turns out, Mike Lata is also Emily’s ex boss, who once fired her. Why did he fire her? Probably on account of her legendary ‘tude. She don’t give a damn ’bout her bad reputation…
The elimination challenge? To cook up a traditional “Feast of the Seven Fishes.” But of course there was another twist. (*cue dramatic music*) They’d have to do it, said Padma. …using this.
At which point Tom Collicchio judgmentally intoned, “These are trash fish.”
(*cut to fish with bruised legs fist-fighting outside the Dairy Queen*)
So, which one of these Richard Geres pulled a Pretty Woman on these fallen skankfish? Well, I don’t want to spoil it before I get to the rankings. But first!
This Week’s Bitchiest Food Disses
“One of my pet peeves is undercooked beans.” -Mike Lata
I don’t want to live in a world where undercooked beans happens often enough that it rises to the level of “pet peeve.”
“Did Snooki serve this?” -Tom Colicchio
You may also recall Tom bashing Grayson’s “Jersey red sauce” last season, proving that, yes, there is such a thing as a self-hating Italian. Don’t you dare remind Tom of his tacky family, he’s a big television star now! Honestly though, I’m so glad I didn’t grow up on the East Coast around other Italians.
“Mussels are kind of pedestrian.” -Mike Lata again
Wow, first “trash” fish now “pedestrian” mussels? You know what, bro, maybe you’re just a sea snob. Jeez, who knew the ocean was such a country club.
POWER RANKINGS
13. Chef BJ Smith (even) ((eliminated)), AKA Captain Obvious
BJ got paired with Sylvia this week, and his contributions to the dish were cooking the broth, which everyone said was the best part, and deciding to cut their tough fish into smaller pieces, which was the best idea anyone had, because most of the criticism was “shoulda cut it up smaller.”
Luckily, there wasn’t enough broth. Way to go, IDIOT. You had one job!
I say “luckily” because I don’t know how much more I could take of Captain Obvious’s painful observations. The human expository dialogue reel struck again this week, helpfully telling us of the basket challenge: “The hardest part of this challenge is making a dish utilizing all of these ingredients.”
Gee, you don’t say. His thoughts on the fish challenge? “The most important thing is perfectly cooked fish.”
Cool, cool. Hey, BJ, what do you think about this basketball game? Well, I feel like whoever has the most points at the end of the game will win. Probably.
Footage of young BJ
Anyway, I’m pretty sure BJ was in the bottom three of every single challenge, quickfire or elimination, so far, including both in this episode. Poor bastard even got the most thinly-veiled critique disguised as a question: “This fried squab, is this the texture you were going for?”
The implied rest of the question: “…because it’s gross and it feels like you screwed up pretty bad.”
Anyway, byeeee. Have fun describing things on Last Chance Kitchen.
12. Chef Amanda Baumgarten (-5), AKA Annoying Amanda, aka The Obnoxious One, aka Shhh
The obnoxious one got paired with Jim this week (she kept trying to make “Team Tilefish!” happen like Farva from Super Troopers), which gave us a nice Odd Couple dynamic. Jim would be over on his perfectly clean station, quietly humming the welcome song of his people while fairies sprinkled confectioner’s sugar on his friendship cakes and chirping bluebirds neatly folded his pressed linens, and then, smash cut to Amanda, knocking over pots and slipping in the gruel puddles, trailed by a cloud of dust while cartoon stink lines formed above her head and she once again failed to modulate the sound of her own voice.
Blah blah BLAH blah blah. BLAH! BLAH! (*grunt sound*) (*crashing plate*)
Poor Amanda.
She ended up on the bottom on the strength of her undercooked beans and bowl of Jersey Shore guido trash (according to Tom), and ended up soaking up 99% of this episode’s insults. It was only by the grace of BJ sucking so much that she managed to stick around.
11. Chef Emily Hahn (-6), AKA Storm Cloud, aka Avril Terrine
Believe it or not, Stormcloud was actually doing pretty well before this episode. And then she opened this one admitting that she’s never used a pressure cooker. Seriously? Never? *I* use my pressure cooker almost every day and the only culinary school I went to is the French Culinary Institute of Hard Knocks. Her pressure cooker ignominy and gummy soubise landed her on the bottom of the quickfire, and also inspired Padma to make this face:
So you’re saying you… *don’t* like it?
She couldn’t even explain blame the dish on the pressure cooker, because not only was the soubise (that’s a rice porridge! I learned it from Jacques Pepin!) gummy, Padma also said Emily was also “unkind to protein.” Which sounds like something you’d put on an incorrigible third grader’s report card.
For the elimination challenge, Emily drew Brooke as a partner, who’s won basically every single challenge so far, thus setting herself up for the ol’ redemptione narrative, cooking for her old boss. All Emily had to do was do everything Brooke said and ride her chef’s coat coat tails to victory! Honestly, I can’t fault Emily’s strategy here. But apparently Brooke’s kryptonite is someone agreeing with anything she suggests. I have no evidence for this, but I blame their failure all on Emily.
10. Chef Jamie Lynch (+2), AKA Rodman, aka Midnight Oil
Midnight Oil (HOW CAN WE SLEEP WHILE OUR BROCCOLI’S BURNIN’) was paired with Sylva this week, and between Jamie’s tats and Sylva’s old picture with dreads, I like to think of them as “Team Ska Band.” Team Ska Band skanked their way to the top three this week, cooking a normally “iron-y” tasting tunny with ras el hanout, who is of course a famous Batman villain. Jk, it’s actually a spice mixture, and one “tough enough to stand up to the bloody taste” of a tunny, according to Tom. Are you strooong enough to be my spiiice…. (*extremely Bono voice*) Tu-nny bloody tuuuu-nnny…
I don’t know what it is about Jamie that always inspires me to song. Anyway, Jamie has been making some strides and moving slowly up the ranks, but until he lands a top three finish on his own I’m not quite a believer.
9. Chef Jim Smith (+2), AKA Dapper Dan, aka Truman Compote, aka Buddy Challah
A bottom-three finish? What the hell is happening to everyone’s favorite adorable Alabama forest sprite? And if he finished in the bottom three, why is he moving up in the rankings? Well, quite simply, I’m pretty sure that loss was obnoxious Amanda’s fault for cooking those sinful (in a bad way) beans. Jim’s only crime this week was being too much of a huggable sweet boy to tell her no. Assuming he could’ve even caught her while she was Tasmanian Deviling her way around the kitchen in a cloud of sweat and mania. The best thing Jim did this episode was object strenuously to the name “trash fish.” Trash? How dare they! “These fish aren’t trash!” Jim said forcefully, though his gentle voice still had the pleasing timbre of a pan flute, even straining in anger.
Good old Jim. I’m sure he’ll be back next week, the kitchen appliances coming to life around him for a big musical number. He has to. He’s this season’s ingenue.
8. Chef Sylvia Barban (-5), AKA Chef-a Sylvia, aka Pasta Fazool
Chef a-Sylvia, she finish em onna di bottom with-a BJ this-a week. Mama mia! Why canna you be-a nice-a to my-a Sylvia! That being said, everyone seemed to love her “pan carasau,” an Italian cracker. Every time she does something good it seems like she’s squaring off against the best dessert ever made like last week or paired with a chef who was only chosen for his expository qualities like this week. See, this is why “luck of the Italians” isn’t a thing.
7. Chef Shirley Chung (-3), AKA Bowl Of Hug
I still think Bowl of Hug belongs in the top five, and she landed in the top three along with Chef Sheldon during the elimination challenge this week. But she keeps pulling boners like burning her squab in the quickfire, which is why she’s all the way down at seven. No more unforced errors! Don’t burn the squab, Shirley! Jeez.
6. Chef Casey Thompson (+4), AKA Texas, aka Nerd Alert, aka Farrah Faucet (because she cries a lot get it okay it was a stretch)
Nerd Alert came out swingin this week, winning the quickfire with her preternaturally crispy squab. Casey being Casey, this win nearly brought her to tears. Why’s Casey cryin’? ‘CAUSE SHE JUST GOT LOVED ON.
Seriously though, at the end of this season someone should compile a video called ‘Why’s Casey Cryin’?’ compiling all the reasons Casey cried this season. “She won a quickfire,” “she thinks food is ‘really cool…'”
The crispy quickfire squab triumph won Casey immunity, a reprieve from having to cook with a partner, and first pick of the trash fish, with which she chose the amber jack, which is really stretching the parameters of what’s considered a “trash” fish. But just when Texas was poised to run away with the competition she took a header off her own shoelaces. She screwed up the amberjack and received Padma’s most blunt criticism of the week: “Casey, this porridge is not good.”
Oddly, this did not make Casey cry.
5. Chef Sylva Senat (-3), AKA Haitian Man, aka Fishbone
I’ve been saying Sylva’s food sounded delicious even when he was finishing on the bottom, and now he’s finally starting to string some top three finishes together. More importantly, this week the show showed us an old picture of Sylva with his sweet dreads:
Between the slick dreads and the slick seafood skills, I’ve re-nicknamed Sylva “Fishbone.”
4. Chef Katsuji Tanabe (+5), AKA Professor Kats, aka Sooge Knight, aka Katsuji the Kosher Mexican, aka Draymond
Damn, it seems like the meaner Katsuji gets, the better he cooks. He’s like the Draymond of the kitchen. He started off telling BJ “you’re no Handsome Sam” and continued to drop fireballs the entire episode, culminating in “Old people like canned tomatoes,” directed at his own teammate, Chef John (Team Bow Ties and Bracelets, I like to think of them). But first he proved his Mexican bona fides by sneaking some tequila.
Tequila is to Katsuji what spinach is to Popeye, and so he just kept getting better and meaner after that, landing in the top three along with John with his “Mexican Chanukah” sauce (pronounced with a hard CH because of course). This on the heels of last week’s head to head win over Chef Jim. And he didn’t stop talking trash the whole time!
He finished off the week ripping on Emily while she was down. Oh no, not Emily! You got her feelin’ like a freight train, bout to be leavin’ with a blood stain. She’s like a chain saw, what.
Like Draymond, the biggest danger for Katsuji is that he goes too far. Talking trash and grabbing rebounds is one thing, but you start wangin’ people in the ding dong you’ll end up ejected. I did enjoy this exchange:
PADMA: My lips are tingling.
KATSUJI: It’s a Mexican party.
3. Chef Brooke Williamson (-2), AKA Biscuits, aka The Girl With The Radish Tattoo
I know, I know, Chef Brooke landed in the bottom of the elimination challenge, what’s she doing in the top three? Well, you have to admit that this was a fluke considering Brooke has been in the top for everything, including this week’s quickfire. Also, this week’s elimination was a team challenge, and I have to think Emily took Brooke off her game by being so god damned agreeable. I can understand that, I have no idea how to deal with compliments or agreements. I’m driven by strife and spite.
It’s like Brooke was just suggesting more and more ridiculous shit just to see if Emily would agree to it.
BROOKE: So, what are you thinking? Maybe like corn kernels, coconuts? Tamarind sauce?
EMILY: Yep, sure, sounds good.
BROOKE: Broccoli rabe? Wood ear mushrooms? Mince pie?
EMILY: Yep, yep, just what I was thinking…
BROOKE: …Snail eggs? Turtle flambe? A lawn chair?
EMILY: (*still nodding*)
BROOKE: (*exasperated, on the verge of breakdown*) Unicorn cheek? Ennui? The alphabet?
EMILY: Ooh yeah, that’s great…
BROOKE: (*screams*)
2. Chef Sheldon Simeon (+6), AKA Cool Breeze, aka Shel Chillverstein
I don’t know where the hell to put Sheldon. He’s always a bridesmaid. Chris Cross cooed over his epic mise en place skills and clean station last week, and then this week he went to the top three cooking up a mean mullet with Chef Shirley. Does that give him win potential or is he just a perennial number 3-4? TIME WILL TELL, FOLKS. /hot take
1. Chef John Tesar (+4), AKA Bangles, aka Steve Douchemi
Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I’m putting Bangles at number one. But where else to put him? He beat Sheldon head to head last week, landed in the top three in the quickfire (with his “quick mole”) this week, and went to number one during the elimination challenge with Team Bow Ties and Bracelets. Hell, I think I’m even starting to like him (*shudder*).
It was left up in the air whether it was John’s canned old man tomatoes or Katsuji’s Mexian heirloom chanukah that the judges really liked this week, but either way, John has been more consistently in the top three than anyone these past two episodes.
