This week on Top Chef, the gang packed up and headed from Palm Springs to San Diego. Immediately they had to report to a dock somewhere (local color!) for a quickfire elimination challenge based on local flavor! I lived in San Diego for six years, and if you’ve ever spent more than five days there, you already knew that Padma was going to say “fish taco.” Let’s be honest, there isn’t a lot of culture in San Diego. She brought along a local chef to judge.
I’ll get to what the chefs made in a second, but first, I have some important fish taco opinions to get off my chest. Here are some basic guidelines.
1. Fry that sh*t.
It’s a fish taco, you aren’t “showcasing the fish.” If I even see grill marks I’m already annoyed. Don’t give me a diamond-hashed swordfish filet, or some play on ahi tartar inside a tortilla, put that sh*t on a wonton where it belongs and fry me up a dirt fish. Fish tacos are delicious because of the crunch, and more specifically, the crunchy-soft-juicy-spicy contrast. And don’t you dare stick some f*cking grilled mahi bullsh*t in there, if I wanted to eat bland tasteless styrofoam I’d order your mom a dildo on Amazon and eat the packaging.
2. Cabbage Not Lettuce
“Authentic” taco purists will tell you that this goes for every taco, but personally, I love a Tex-Mex taco in a greasy, par-fried tortilla filled with shredded lettuce and yellow cheese (especially a juicy shredded beef in a nice marinade). It’s not a Tijuana street taco, but it’s still delicious. Aaaanyway, for a fish taco, yeah, definitely listen to the traditionalists. Fish is too subtle to be competing with romaine or whatever.
3. Sauce Me, Daddy
A lot of people have a knee-jerk aversion to any white sauce (I suspect mayo haters can’t eat it without imagining semen) but on a fish taco, I love a crema-based white sauce combining with a hot, tangy salsa. To each their own, just make sure there’s a sauce. You’re sticking a fried thing inside another fried thing, it’s going to need moisture.
4. Tortillas Made To Order
This one’s the hardest to pull off, but it’s worth the effort. My favorite taco joint near San Diego was Tacos Y Tacos (great name), near Rosarito, which had about four seats and was situated behind a Pemex gas station. That the best tacos come from the most unassuming places is an awful hipster cliché that is also sadly true. I don’t know if it’s still there. Anyway, the tacos consisted of a greasy-ass, deep fried fish that was as much batter as it was fish, slathered in a white sauce and salsa. But watching the lady cook your tortillas to order really brought the whole thing together. Usually, we were drunk, which also helps. Dammit, now I’m hungry.
/end taco rant.
Unfortch, in this fish taco battle, the contestants only have 20 minutes, AND it’s an elimination challenge.
Top Chef Taco Battle
Kwame: Wahoo taco with truffle cream and chipotle salsa. The truffle cream is a little fancy, but it looked good otherwise. I couldn’t tell if the fish was fried. The judges seemed to like it.
Phillip: Yellowfin tuna with seared foie gras, caviar, truffle, and chiles. Easy, bro, you don’t need to throw every expensive ingredient you can find into it. It’s a taco. You might as well make a salsa out of $20 bills. The judges liked it though, and Phillip starts to get a big head.
Jason: Yellowfin tuna and black summer truffle taco with jalapeño, dill, and ginger. Ooh la la, a black summer truffle. Was truffle a requirement? On what planet do three chefs in a row all have truffle in their tacos? You know who else has truffles in her taco? You guessed it, your mom (also, dill). Anyway, the judges praise Jason’s crispy tortilla.
Karen: Oyster taco with kimchi sesame salsa, pickled red cabbage, and avocado. Ahh, the Korean fusion taco. HUGE in L.A. Whatever, as long as it has something fried in it it’s all right by me. The judge likes the kimchi salsa.
Isaac: Cornmeal fried soft shell crab taco with cane sugar vinaigrette and marinated tomato. Isaac goes non-traditional, but this looked and sounded damned delicious. “Very Southern, but a little bit too greasy,” says the judge. Too greasy? Whatever, dude, that’s what the tortilla’s for, to keep the delicious grease off your hands.
Wesley: Apple and mango taco with fried tortilla and lobster. Wesley made some kind of lobster sushi roll wrapped in apple and mango. What? No. No one gets rewarded for making sushi when we ordered tacos. “Very brave, but difficult to eat,” says the judge. Imagine that. By the way, “brave” is almost as bad as “interesting” when it comes to food reviews that are secretly insults.
Amar: Beer-battered ono with guacamole and marinated cabbage, cilantro and jalapeño. If I close my eyes and picture a fish taco, I basically see Amar’s version. Of course, he works in Orange County, so he’s probably had his share of SoCal-style fish tacos. “Are you scared of spice?” asks the judge. OH SNAP. I imagine one Latin chef questioning another’s spice tolerance is what happens right before they pull out switchblades.
Marjorie: Grilled ono with truffle melted leeks and radish citrus salsa. Oh good, more f*cking truffles. Was there a special on truffles this morning? Also, way to go local, using that traditional San Diego ingredient, the truffle. Anyway, the grilled white fish drizzled in chef-y ingredients looks super boring, and exactly what I expected them to cook, which is why I always go to the cheap joints for fish tacos. But Marjorie did made fresh tortillas in 20 minutes so she’s kind of a hero. “I wish it had more spice,” says the judge.
Angelina: So, Angelina “plated her tacos on her cutting board” (uh… what?), never getting them to the actual plates, so the judges couldn’t taste her tacos. And the editors didn’t even bother telling us what they were. This gives Angelina the opportunity to say “if only they would’ve tasted my tacos!” But I saw her dry-looking boring white fish with grill marks, she probably would’ve been on the bottom anyway.
Chad: Grilled thresher shark taco with oyster and sea urchin salsa and salsa de gusano. Does anyone honestly like shark? I feel like it’s one of those ingredients whose sole benefit is sounding cool. (I don’t know what it tastes like, but I like the idea of eating an apex predator.) Every time I’ve ever had shark it’s been dry and stringy, and it’s probably full of mercury. And you’re pairing it with uni? That’s so obnoxiously chef-y it might as well be a bowl full of foam. I thought Chad was the San Diego guy. Judge: “I like the heat, I like the salt, very unique.” Huh, okay, I guess it tasted better than it looked and sounded.
Carl: Roasted bay scallop taco with poblano and tomatillo. I don’t really like scallops, but that’s a chef-y ingredient used in a way that it actually makes sense. The judge gives zero feedback, which is perfectly fitting for Carl, one of the most invisible contestants this show has ever had.
Top: Karen, Chad, Kwame. Chad ends up being named the winner. Surprising, though mainly I think the judge just liked it because it was spicy.
Bottom: Angelina, by default. No mention of the other losers. Angelina picks Wesley for a head-to-head battle, gets beat, and finally goes home. How the hell did she stick around this long? Isn’t there a pilot about tough girl chefs trying to make it in the big city shooting somewhere?
The next challenge trades on San Diego’s other big cultural export: craft beer. Turns out the judges have brewed some beer and the chefs will have to pair a dish to the beer.
Padma’s Beer: Golden ale, with jalapeño, ginger, and tamarind. Amar takes a sip, and judging by his face, it tastes as weird as it sounds.
Richie Blais’ Beer. Stout, with beets, chocolate, and ras el hanout. Of course ras el hanout. Update your food buzzword calendars, everyone, in 2016, harissa is out and ras el hanout is ras el han-in.
Emeril’s Beer: Coffee, cayenne, and tangerine. Jesus Christ, these beers sound terrible.
Tom’s Beer: Wheat beer with lemon, coriander, and banana. This is the only beer that doesn’t sound disgusting. Have you ever had that banana bread beer from Trader Joe’s? It’s pretty good. Though Isaac is very unhappy having to use banana.
The Rankings:
1. Kwame (+1)
Kwame didn’t win this week, but he finished in the top of the quickfire and the elimination challenge, this coming off a win last week. That’s more than enough to get him the top seed treatment after this week. Also, they haven’t gone back to the part where he sold candy on the subway to fund his restaurant, so I have to think there’s going to be an entire episode dedicated to it at some point. No producer can resist a backstory that juicy.
Nicknames: Wormser, The Prodigy
Dish: Chicken mojo with banana sofrito purée, garlic purée, and charred green onion.
Judge Reviews of Dish: “Kwame this dish is really good.” “You completely turned it sophisticated without it losing its soul.”
2. Jeremy (-1)
Jeremy didn’t win this week, but he made the top four yet again. Has he been out of the top even once? Oddly, he wasn’t in the top of the quickfire, and it doesn’t look like they even showed his dish. Is this the beginning of his decline? They’re probably just trying to keep some mystery about who the favorites are.
Nicknames: Fratdad, Totino
Dish: Duck with chocolate granola, habanero ras el hanout, pickled beets, and pickled blueberry hibiscus reduction. (Richard’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “Liked the dish visually, could’ve used more fat.” “It’s a little light on the chocolate.” (Dang, don’t you just hate it when your granola duck isn’t chocolatey enough? You need lots of chocolate to stand up to the blueberry hibiscus. This dish was insane.)
3. Karen (+8)
Karen was in the top four in the quickfire and won the elimination challenge this week, so you could make a case for her going number one. But she was near the bottom last week. Was that only because she was paired with Giselle, the ultimate downer? Possibly. We’ll give it another week to decide.
Nickname(s): Rosie the Riveter, Hot Topic
Dish: Roasted duck breast with cocoa nib beet puree and ras al hanout roasted carrots (Richard’s Beer).
Judge Reviews of Dish: “The cocoa nib really works wonderfully.” “I like the incorporation of the microgreen here.”
4. Amar (+1)
Big Sleazy is still hanging around, getting good reviews, never being on the bottom, and this week he was back in the top four after the elimination challenge. It feels like he’s drafting, in preparation for a big push at the end. Does that work in cooking competitions? I don’t know, I’m not good with physics.
Nickname(s): Big Sleazy
Dish: Sous vide chicken breast, crispy chicken thigh, jalapeño popper, and tamarind ginger chutney. (Padma’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “The sweet/sour play is really excellent, this is an outstanding dish.” “The green grassy notes of the jalapeño really comes out in your popper.” (Padma said this, and I know she deliberately made it sound like a sexual euphemism, like she does with everything. “Mmm, Amar, this is great, I love a spicy stuffing in my popper. You can stuff my popper any time, wink wink nudge nudge.”).
5. Chad (+4)
Rad Chad opened strong, winning the taco challenge, thanks to his local knowledge (maybe?). Then failed to get a mention in the elimination challenge. It’s hard to say whether Chad is a favorite or an underdog at this point. He has a great beard though?
Nickname(s): Rad Chad
Dish: Carrot herb-roasted opah with ginger hominy jalapeño puree and tamarind glazed carrots. (Padma’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “I thought the nuttiness was delicious.” “There’s layers that just keep comin’ which is exactly what you want out of the beer.” (The layers start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’, fed to the rules and I hit the ground running… It would actually be really fitting if Chad received all of his reviews in the form of a Smash Mouth song.)
6. Carl (+2)
Carl’s performance this week was a masterpiece of Carlness. After a vignette about his time in Nicaragua (at least the editors are trying!) he managed to receive no reviews of his fish tacos, was neither on the top nor the bottom, and landed in the same spot in the elimination challenge (purgatory). I don’t know if Carl will ever get kicked off, or if he’ll just disappear one episode when the editors forget he was ever there.
Nickname(s): Charlie White Guy, Ol’ Whatshisface, Him?
Dish: Grilled short rib with ancho chile, coffee, and dried cherry salsa. (Emeril’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “When I drink the beer with it, it cancels out the flavor.” “I would’ve used a tiny bit more salt.”
Notable Soundbite: “Fish tacos are my jam!”
7. Phillip (+3)
Phillip’s persecution complex (“Why don’t the judges like me when I cook good food!”) was in full effect this week. While he’s totally correct in assuming that they just don’t like him and it doesn’t even have that much to do with his food, his whining serves only to make him more unlikable. He is such a good reality show character, you guys. I liked when he vowed to only cook straightforward food, but out of spite, rather than, you know, simple common sense.
Nickname(s): Chef Top Knot, The Weez
Dish: Roasted duck breast with rutabaga purée. (Emeril’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “I like what you did with the cracklin’.” “The sauce really replicated the beer quite well.”
Notable Soundbite: “I don’t understand, am I not supposed to be making yummy food?” (Give it time, dude. People need a bit of a breather before they can forget 1) Your dog pee-smoked crab plate. 2) Your oyster plated on a hot rock in 120-degree heat. 3) Your non-mashed potato mashed-potato disaster served in a whipped cream canister.)
8. Marjorie (even)
The judges put Mike Ms.abella in the bottom, despite them mostly liking her dish. Apparently it didn’t pair well enough. Oh, bother (*Marjorie shuffles away, kicking an empty can*). Considering her beer had coffee, cayenne, and tangerine, that might be a credit to her.
Nickname(s): Mike Ms.abella, Sad Sack
Dish: Roasted potato gnocchi with chicken ragu and roasted mushrooms. (Emeril’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “Did you braise the chicken with the beer? It doesn’t come through.” “The dish is so delicious I want to believe that there’s more flavor from the beer than there actually is.”
Notable Soundbite: (*unintelligible grumbling*)
9. Isaac (-5)
The only lock in this competition so far is that Isaac is going to win fan favorite going away. He also consistently cooks the yummiest looking food, though the judges knocked both his greasy taco (see also: your mom) and his too-chunky velouté. TOO MUCH ROUX, CAWNBREAD! TAKE IT DOWN A NAWTCH! (*zydeco music plays, Isaac runs off with his pet lizard*)
Nickname(s): Cornbread, Roux McClanahan
Dish: Corn and crab velouté with crispy potato, king crab salad, and sriracha banannaise. (Tom’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “The crab on its on own fits the beer a lot better than the velouté.”
Notable Soundbite: “I know the perfect way to incorporate banana into a savory dish. I’m thinking I just freeze the banana in nitrogen, then stick it up my ass.”
10. Jason (-7)
The judges made fun of Jason’s lost, archaic dishes, including his oddball pork-squid meatball. But dare I say it, I would love a restaurant that specialized in lost dishes from history. That’s… right up my weird alley, actually. Sadly, Jason seems like a nervous wreck, and landing in the bottom this week is will do nothing for his fraying nerves. Someone get this dude a valium.
Nickname(s): Tightass, Poindexter, Chef Cameron From Ferris Bueller.
Dish: Pork and squid meatball with grilled marinated squid, carrot wheat beer sauce and salsa povera. (Tom’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “I wasn’t a fan of the whole texture.” “The meatball tastes like the stuffing from a dim sum restaurant.” (Is that a bad thing? Dim sum is good.). “I also find the whole thing light in seasoning.” “That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever had.” (I don’t buy that for a second, coming from Richie Blais). “This is bait, man.” (Ouch, Tom. Ouch.)
Notable Soundbite: “In Catalan cuisine, you find a lot of these archaic dishes.”
11. Wesley (-4) ((Eliminated))
Poor Chef Tomsula. The shot of him knocking over three trays, seamlessly edited into a shot of his butt crack hanging out as he picked them up deserves some kind of reality show Emmy. That was truly the essence of Wesley right there. I’m going to miss him.
Nickname(s): Pig Pen, Chef Tomsula
Dish: Lamb with roasted beet purée and ras al hanout roasted carrots. (Richard’s Beer)
Judge Reviews of Dish: “I don’t know when you cut the lamb, but the juices might have run out.” “Yeah, it was dry.” “The beet purée was very… beet.”
Notable Soundbite: “At this point, I’m just hoping somebody will just make something gross.”
This Week’s Greatest Judge Diss
“It’s almost like you got abducted by aliens last night, and you were like, ‘What do you eat on this planet?’ And they were like, ‘We eat squid meatballs and banana porridge.'”
I like to make fun of Richard Blais for being a human Keebler Elf with two feet of hair, but every once in a while he really nails it.
Padma Lakshmi Outfit Watch
I won’t mince words, there was a lot less Padma cleavage than we’d want or have come to expect from Top Chef this week. For shame. Still, I can’t really complain about this sleek, Bond girl number either. She looks like she’s about to pull a Walther PPK out of her purse, shoot someone, then casually reapply her lipstick and drive off in an Aston Martin. In reality, she’s probably just going to make some thinly-veiled comparison about moist underwear or dicks, but that’s why we love Padma.
Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.
