Before we get started with this recap of the seventh episode, “In the Evening,” of the sixth season of True Blood, I just can’t ignore the fact that Fox News anchor Shep Smith showed his “true” colors (GET IT???) earlier this week, when he brought up his favorite vampire soap opera when discussing the birth of the Royal Baby. In particular, Smith discussed how more names might mean a royal baby is more important, hence George Alexander Louis Snoop Lion Harlem Shake Cromartie, and that can be compared to the names of Andy Bellefleur’s four daughters. You know, before Jessica slaughtered three of them.
More specifically, the surviving daughter could be considered the most important because, well, she’s alive, and she also has multiple names – Adilyn Braelyn Charlaine Danika Bellefleur, to be precise – that represent her slain sisters. At least that’s what I think Smith meant, because I didn’t really understand him or Andy’s naming process.
Cable news, folks. Journalism is alive and well. Now, let’s talk about the episode that made me yawn a lot.
True or False: Alcide’s whole Season 6 story might have just gotten interesting.
Okay, to recap: Alcide spent the last six episodes chasing after Sam and Nicole, because they had Emma and the pack didn’t want to let the pup get away. However, once Alcide finally caught Sam and Nicole, he let them go – based on the promise that they both never return to Bon Temps – and still gave Emma to Martha, so she could take her away from the pack. It seemed almost entirely pointless, made Alcide seem like a big, ol’ dick (no Magic Mike pun intended) and felt like a waste of time.
Now we know that Alcide lied to the pack about killing Sam and Nicole, and Rikki knows he lied, because she went ahead and kidnapped Nicole and her mom. Suddenly, Sam returning to Bon Temps for Terry’s funeral seems rather convenient.
(Image via)
True or False: Arlene is f*cking waaaaaaaaaaasted.
Arlene’s reaction to Bill walking in daylight is one of my favorite meaningless moments of Season 6. If she becomes a massive drunk in the wake of Terry’s (self-imposed) murder, I wouldn’t have a problem with that.
(GIF via)
True or False: Arlene is going to be a very wealthy massive drunk.
It’s nice to see that something positive came out of Terry’s demise, other than his funeral simply being a forum for Bill to find Sookie and make up with Andy in one convenient trip.
(Image via)
True or False: Sarah Newlin is absolutely going to be 100,000,000 times the tyrant that Governor Burrell was.
I found it kind of odd that nobody had been to the governor’s mansion after Bill tore his head off in the afternoon until Sarah Newlin showed up at night while listening to her “God is good” tapes. But there she was, rolling up to witness the aftermath of one pissed off vampire god.
Naturally, she reacted exactly how we expected, in vowing to take up the fight in his name, but she also took it a step further by asking the senator to keep the governor’s death a secret. That was some evil sh*t that I was not expecting, but the truth is that we can now take the most diabolical idea we can think of and Sarah will still find a way to top it.
(GIF via)
True or False: Cutting Jason Stackhouse and throwing him into the female gen. pop. was about the most diabolical thing Sarah could do.
Oh poor, poor Jason. It’s pretty commendable that Tara stood up to the other female vampires who smelled blood, but the very mysterious Violet is going to try her hardest to make Jason her snack pack. I’m all for it, too, if it means that we finally find out what the hell Violet’s deal is. I mean, vampire prison gang leader sounds pretty cool, but not when we don’t know anything else about her.
(GIF via)
True or False: This was a really bad episode for Jason. Really bad.
First, Jessica refuses to let Jason help her escape because she’s basically accepting all of the terrible things that are happening to her, which is kind of cool because of that whole slaughtering Andy’s faery daughters thing. But then she asks poor Jason, who is so in love with her, to bring the vampire who refused to rape her into the room so she could thank him properly, and we all knew exactly what she meant. She meant she wanted to pop the old vampire v-card, of course. I’d actually feel bad for Jason if he wasn’t such a doofus.
True or False: Sookie’s such a danger-whoring tease, y’all.
Oh Sookie. Whatever would we do without you just agreeing to have casual, seismic-faery-orgasm-inducing sex with Warlow, despite the fact that he’s just an ancient vampire who has been stalking you in order to fulfill his arranged marriage agreement? Talk about a colossal tease. If Warlow wasn’t such a co-dependent wuss, he might just leave her for good.
(GIFs via)
True or False: Someone beat me to an Eric Northman joke that I couldn’t wait to make.
As soon as I saw Eric peering out from behind the bottles in the Tru Blood bottling plant at the Camp, I thought of Laverne and Shirley and then Wayne’s World, as did the folks at TV Fanatic. If there are outtakes and gags for Season 6, I pray to Lilith that Eric singing the Laverne and Shirley song is included.
True or False: BERRIES AND CREAM, BERRIES AND CREAM! ERIC NORTHMAN LIKES HIS BERRIES AND CREAM!
(Image via)
True or False: Pam can handle herself just fine.
Watching Pam manipulate the shrink with sexuality is one of the reasons that she’s really stepped up a level as a character this season. I hope that she has some big moments in the final three episodes of this season, if and when that so-called human/vampire war ever happens. I’d put her at 7-to-1 odds to be Sarah Newlin’s murderer right now. Although, I don’t want Sarah to die.
(GIFs via)
True or False: Bill is not the vampire god that we thought he might kind of be.
Even Bill’s super new Warlow blood can’t save poor Nora. He may not be God, but at least he’s trying.
(GIFs via)
True or False: It was just Nora’s time.
Hep V is a pretty terrifying thing, you guys. Especially for the people who created it.
