In addition to our weekly recaps of True Detective this season, we will also be pulling out important life lessons that you, the viewer, can learn from the events of each episode. These lessons will range from helpful to very, very not helpful. You are welcome.
GOOD PLACES TO HIDE THE SECRET $20,000 YOU BROUGHT BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN AMID AT-PRESENT MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES:
- A numbered, off-shore bank account.
- In a safe that only you know the combination to. (NOTE: If you can not afford a safe, buy one with your secret $20,000 and then just put whatever’s left in it.)
- In the floorboards of some secret hunting cabin you own but no one ever asks questions about.
- Buried in a hole in your yard, maybe under some lawn flamingos, so that way people will see your yard and be like, “Yeesh, look at that trashy hillbilly. I bet he doesn’t have $20k buried under those flamingos.”
- Sealed in a waterproof bag and chucked in a pond. (NOTE: Use some of the money to buy SCUBA equipment first, if you don’t have SCUBA equipment already.)
- With a friend or relative that has earned your trust through numerous and consistent actions over the course of many years.
BAD PLACES TO HIDE THE SECRET $20,000 YOU BROUGHT BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN AMID AT-PRESENT MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES:
- In a clear plastic bag on the floor of a Florida panhandle Hardee’s.
- Inside a flammable banana stand.
- In some sort of money reversing machine you invented that turns sums of money — up to and including $20,000 — into something that isn’t money. Like, say, a honeydew melon. (Also, not to question your innovative process, but maybe take the Money to Honeydew machine back to the drawing board.)
- In a goddamn dog’s butt.
- Cut up real tiny like confetti and hung in a bag from your ceiling so you can drop it and shout “MONEYFETTI” every time someone in your house says the secret phrase. (Secret phrase: “Hey, whatever happened to that secret and mysterious $20k you brought back from Afghanistan?”)
- In a big watery mud hole, not even sealed or bundled, just flung all over so each individual bill soaks up the mud until the mud hardens and leaves them all stuck together in a gross crusty mish-mosh of unreadable mud money that they wouldn’t even accept as legal tender at a Florida panhandle Hardee’s.
- In a sack inside a cabinet inside a trailer belonging to the drunken gambling addict mother you call by her first name because your entire relationship is trash on account of her blaming you for ruining her dancing career and turning her into a drunken gambling addict who lives in a trailer.
So, you know, something to file away for next time, Paul.
