NFL Playoff Games (Multiple Networks, Saturday and Sunday) — The long trudge toward the ultimate glory of the Super Bowl enters its most deathly phase and I write words like I’m auditioning for a copywriting job at NFL Films as the playoffs begins.
On Saturday, through a haze of libations and red-sauced wings, you can observe as the Cardinals 5th string Quarterback (Neil Lomax?) tries to de-fang the Panthers at 4:35 p.m. on ESPN and then you can watch the Ravens try to out football the Steelers at 8:00 p.m. on NBC.
On Sunday, the Colts will summon the old Gods and the new for their fierce battle with the Bengals on CBS at 1:05 p.m. and the Lions will battle-dance against the Cowboys and ALL of Jerry Jones’ smiles at 4:40 p.m. on the FOX network.
Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday 9:00 p.m.) — Robert is snubbed by the village, the Dowager be like, “WTF?!”, and SOMEBODY is writing words about a show that he has never watched and trying to hide his shortcomings by drawing humor from the marriage of the word “Dowager” and the term “WTF.”
Undercover Boss (CBS, Friday 8:00 p.m.) — Hate-watch with the rest of the internet to see who gets free breasts this week.
Hawaii Five-O (CBS, Friday 9:00 p.m.) — The Five-Oers (why not?) team up with an old-school private eye to find out who murdered a secret hooker. William Forsythe guest stars as the private eye. According to his IMDB bio, Forsythe is a “dynamically entertaining heavyset US actor with piercing eyes.” Best. Bio. Ever.
Galavant (ABC, Sunday 8:00 p.m.) — ABC’s medieval musical-comedy series finally debuts with back-to-back half hour episodes on Sunday night. I’m not entirely sure that this show is going to make it past its original eight episodes, but I’m going to smother my doubts with my affection for Alan Menken music and Timothy Omundson, aka Lassie from Psych.
The Simpsons (FOX, Sunday 8:00 p.m.) — The Simpsons go to Dizzneeland and inadvertently get on a rocket that takes them to Kang and Kodos’ planet. Calamitous hilarity naturally ensues, but I can’t help but think that this whole mix-up could have been avoided if they would have just gone for a ride on the Dizzneeland monorail instead. I hear it glides as softly as a cloud.
I give you call-back to iconic episode! You give me love!
Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge: Welcome Back to Hell (CMT, Sunday 8:00 p.m.) — I don’t know what this is and I don’t care. It’s here because the title is so damn cool.
The Librarians (TNT, Sunday 8:00 p.m.) — The librarians go to a town where fairytale characters try to attack them after Finn strangles the old woman in the shoe for her kid-hitting ways. Admittedly, I’m adding a bit of Vic Mackey-ness to the actual synopsis in an effort to add a veneer of edge to the thing.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX, Sunday 8:30 p.m.) — Everyone goes to Charles’ beach house. Even Nick Cannon.
Family Guy (FOX, Sunday 9:00 p.m.) — Brian and Stewie go on their 49th time travel adventure.
The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday 9:00 p.m.) — Alicia hires Chris Elliot to help her with debate prep (she’s arguing that Cabin Boy is a misunderstood classic) and Cary hires a prison consultant to get him ready to do hard time. Unfortunately, the consultant is Kevin Hart in a bit of brilliant viral marketing for his new film Get Hard. Naturally, calamitous hilarity ensues.
I’m just kidding, it’s Herc from The Wire. Have you seen The Wire yet? It’s amazing.
Bob’s Burgers (FOX, Sunday 9:30 p.m.) — A power hungry Tina tries to seize the hall monitor position at school.
All the late-night talk shows are in re-runs. Go find clips of The Chevy Chase Show on YouTube to fill the void.
