The Goldbergs (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) — Barry goes on a Ferris Buelleresque day of adventure. Charlie Sheen guest stars, but Muscle star Alan Ruck does not, so DROP A PIANO ON MY HEART!
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) — America’s most award-winning comedy series pushes the envelope by filming an episode entirely on iPads and iPhones in an effort to secure one more Emmy and give Steve Jobs an erection from beyond the grave.
Empire (FOX, 9:00 p.m.) — The Lyon family records an album, Cookie and Camilla (Naomi Campbell) have a fabulous-off, and Jamal steps up.
Survivor (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Survivor embraces class warfare in its 30th season premiere, pitting blue collar workers, no collar workers, and white collar workers against each other. I hope the white collar workers are all wearing tuxedos. That would be hilarious.
Arrow (CW, 8:00 p.m.) — Ray desperately wants to finish his Atom suit so that he can solve crime and look cool at costume parties. Also, Malcolm is snatched up by Ra’s al Ghul.
The Mysteries of Laura (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — Will and Grace stars Debra Messing and Eric McCormack reunite in Messing’s cop show. Remember that WaG ep when Grace wore the water bra to an art show and sprung a leak? This is going to be nothing like that.
Nashville (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) — Scarlett and Gunnar start to write together again, Rayna finds out about Sadie’s nightmare ex, and Deacon looks into an experimental trial to treat his liver cancer.
Workaholics (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) — Adam’s grandfather dies but Jack Black makes everything better… or worse, depending on your view of Jack Black.
The Americans (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — Elizabeth is all about Billy Joel’s “I Go To Extremes” when she is pushed to complete a mission and Philip struggles in an effort to juggle the women in his life before he switches to chainsaws and finds greater success and acclaim.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX, 10:00 p.m.) — Mac tries to clear his father when murder is the case that they give him.
Catfish: The TV Show (MTV, 10:00 p.m.) — One time, I stepped in an internet glue trap and watched eight straight episodes of this show. In “Irrepressibly Jason” — my self-published biographical paper pamphlet — this chapter of my journey is referred to as “The Void”. I hope that I’ve given you a taste of what that experience was like for me with these words about the season premiere of Catfish: The TV Show.
Broad City (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) — Abbi and Ilana are on a boat, mothaf*cka.
Man Seeking Woman (FXX, 10:30 p.m.) — Josh and Mike travel to a wedding, mothaf*cka.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Will Smith and Elizabeth Henstridge on Kimmel; Julianna Margulies on Letterman; Billy Bob Thornton, Sarah Hyland, and Garfunkel and Oates join Kunal Nayyar on The Late Late Show; Ice-T, Andrew Rannells, and Lupe the Causer of Fiascos on Fallon; Christina Aguilera and Colin Quinn on Meyers; Conan O’Brien on The Daily Show; and Edward Norton and Melissa Rauch on Conan.
