Worst: What A Great Bound For Glory Main-Event!
A few truths:
1. Hell In A Cell does not work in a PG environment, and I do not believe that “careers will be shortened” or ended because a guy got his shoulder pushed into some loose metal grating twice in half an hour.
2. They painted themselves into a corner so delicately that nothing would’ve really worked. If Lesnar would’ve shown up and ripped the cage door off a la Kane and F’d-5 Ryback for a Punk victory, it would’ve been something, but it wouldn’t have been enough. If Punk or Ryback had won cleanly it would’ve derailed one year-long storyline or the other. Almost everything they could’ve done would’ve been a retread, to the point that the entirety of ECW showing up to assault somebody as “Paul Heyman guys” has been done. THAT has been done, multiple times. So how are you supposed to do ANYTHING?
3. The match was gonna live or die by the crowd’s reaction to Ryback and his offense, and they were not reacting to anything.
4. Screwy referee finishes are a hallmark of pro wrestling, especially the boom periods everyone loves so much (see also: Dave Hebner, Earl Hebner and/or Nick Patrick), and they can lead to a myriad of interesting television stories, but I HATE THEM in capital letters and would be happy if I lived from this moment until my death never seeing a fast count or a purposeful referee mistake about feet on ropes again.
5. This match really needed Punk to start bleeding and not stop until Raw.
As it stood, I thought the main-event was a good, classic “strong guy vs. smart guy” showdown. I thought Ryback looked good, I thought Punk did a good job of carrying a Skip freaking Sheffield to a pay-per-view main-event and I thought Paul Heyman was glorious with his ridiculous cheerleading from outside the cage. That said, those are all things I could’ve enjoyed from a TNA Lockdown main-event, substituting in Matt Morgan and Robert Roode and maybe Joseph Park for Heyman. It wasn’t something that should be representing the best part of the most successful pro wrestling company in the world.
Also, the goddamn referees.
Worst: BRADDOX, Or
Worst: Let’s Wait To See Where It Goes™
If the payoff to the Brad Maddox angle is that he’s a Paul Heyman guy (which is obvious) and has been working in league with several WWE Superstars under the radar to amass a huge, Dangerous Alliance-style stable with Punk, Brock Lesnar, Sheamus and Eve Torres (the last two being recipients of really shifty refereeing decisions), that will be GREAT.
I am not wholly confident that that is what’s happening. As cool as that’d be, there’s just as good a chance that WWE Creative didn’t know how to end the match until halfway THROUGH the match, and Brad Maddox thought he was just gonna count a Shellshock three and then boom, he’s being hurled into a cage wall. So maybe Raw will be post-WrestleMania spectacular tonight. Maybe it’ll start with Brad Maddox being forced to apologize, being confronted by John Cena and put into a tag team match by whatever mop and bucket is general manager this week. Maybe Kevin Nash will come up through the ring and powerbomb Punk again. MAYBE.
New rule: If you’re in a Hell In A Cell match and start climbing the outside of the cage, you’d better be putting something through the cage or throwing them off of it. Because the cage is so big now, that rule should come with an understated “do not climb the cage wall”. Moves on the cage roof don’t look as cool as you want them to. Do not compromise the heat of the climb.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
“You’re the Best in the World. There’s nobody like you.” I’m going to get Paul to write my wedding vows.
We have no updates on Sheamus medical condition, but we do have an invasive camera shot to destroy doctor-patient confidentiality.
Somewhere Davey Richards is masturbating to this match.
In lieu of flowers, please send inappropriate lighting to your local wrestling federation.
The first sign of a concussion to check for is if the pupils of his mask are dilated.
Jean Ralphio Saperstein
If Vickie were really like Kennesaw Mountain Landis, the Prime Time Players would have been fired as her first order of business.
WE’VE NEVER SEEN YOU WRESTLE EITHER LAYLA.
John John The Bastard
I think this crowd is just there because their tickets were comped as a result of having to give Winnipeg back their hockey team.
My internet was down during Orton’s theme, but might I add “I hear horses in the shed/ they ate my pants/ they ate my pants/ they ate my pants/ THEY ATE MY PANTS” with the followup “We share our carrots/ That’s why I’m so orange”
I’ll go to the preppers if I have to! – Randy Orton
Who’s the special guest?