This Sunday features two of the biggest events in sports — Royal Rumble, and the NFL’s Conference Championship games. There is plenty on the line for all involved. Roman Reigns looks to hold onto his Championship title, and the Patriots are playing for the chance to continue defending theirs. It’s going to be good.
For this monumental occasion, we decided to combine the two. Several esteemed members of the Uproxx With Spandex community have bonded together to serve this noble cause of choosing what wrestler matches each NFL team. It was tough. So many wrestlers fit a small selection of teams, and several teams just don’t really have a good fit anywhere in the lineup. It was an arduous process, and at a few points Brandon Stroud, our top wrestling expert, stabbed several people in the back, and Bill DiFilippo, who assisted with this list, tore our offices apart over who should represent Pittsburgh. Furniture needs to be replaced, blood needs cleaned, but we got our list.
The result is a mix of popular and hipster choices, of historical wrestlers and modern ones. There are far too many famous wrestlers to apply to just 32 teams, so if your favorite was left off, apologies. Let us know about it in the comments.
New England Patriots – John Cena
There are a lot of choices for the Pats. Any wrestler who is incredibly successful to an obnoxious degree. But it has to be Cena. Cena just wins. He’s got that swarmy pretty boy smile, just like Brady. Plus he’s from Massachusetts. We are all just so sick of John Cena and we all just want him to go away.
Miami Dolphins – The Rock
The Rock actually legitimately played football for the Miami Hurricanes. He won a National Championship there. Here he is getting a sack. There was no other choice.
Buffalo Bills – Tatanka
You’d think we’d have chosen the slightly uncomfortable American Indian portrayal of Tatanka for the Redskins, but you’d be wrong. Tatanka, as anyone who has seen Dances with Wolves knows, literally means “Buffalo.” How could it even be justified to pick a guy whose name is Buffalo as anything other than Buffalo?
New York Jets – Owen Hart
Let’s forget the tragedy for a second and remember how he was viewed as a wrestler. Owen was the annoying little brother to Bret “The Hitman” Hart, and he never thought he got the attention he deserved. That’s pretty much the definition of the Jets. The Jets have been seen as the “little brother” to the Giants for a long time, and they hate it. They try so hard to be the true kings of New York, but no one will ever take it seriously, because the Giants own it.
Houston Texans – Stone Cold Steve Austin
Texas has a lot of options for wrestler representation, but it would be wrong to not have Stone Cold on this list, so here he is. If you don’t like it, well *gives you middle finger while chugging a beer*
Jacksonville Jaguars – The Iron Sheik
Have you ever wondered what the Sheik would look like if instead of building his body and becoming a mega star wrestler, he buckled down, went to school, kept his hair and became an extremely wealthy and shrewd businessman? He would look like Jaguars owner Shahid Khan.
Tennessee Titans – King Barrett
King Barrett has done okay once in a while, but mostly he’s just sad. Nobody cares about him. Nobody cares about the Titans.
Indianapolis Colts – Blue Meanie
The Colts use Blue as a primary color, have been very mean to the rest of the AFC South, and the QB has a terrible beard. Blue Meanie works pretty well, especially if we want to talk terrible beards.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Triple H
Triple H is very successful and nobody likes him.
Baltimore Ravens – Raven
I mean, obviously.
Cleveland Browns – “Iron” Mike Sharpe
Poor Mike Sharp. He was relevant once in the ’80s, then became the lovable loser. (Also, RIP Mike Sharpe, who passed away after we’d decided he would go with the Browns. This probably says something about that franchise.)
Cincinnati Bengals – Sheamus
Have you seen Andy Dalton’s hair? Have you seen Sheamus’ hair? Come on.
San Diego Chargers – The Undertaker
The Undertaker had to be on this list somewhere, but his gimmick doesn’t really match any team. He’s a dead man. I guess so are the Chargers now with the L.A. business hanging over them. But the Chargers logo is an electric bolt, and The Undertaker shoots electricity, so that’s a good enough excuse to get him on this list.