Last Year: 6-10, one game out of first place in the NFC South!
Key Acquisitions: REX “THE SEX CANNON” GROSSMAN, a bunch of other people who aren’t as cool as Rex Grossman.
Key Losses: Their virginity to REX “SEXY REXY” GROSSMAN, also Steven Jackson and Jacquizz Rodgers.
The Falcons had a bad year in 2014. They were indeed only a game from winning the NFC South, but, last year, the NFC South was like that one group in school that was behind everyone else. You know, you’d have the class split up into separate reading groups, and one of them was obviously the dumb kids, who were told to read the Magic School Bus while the rest of the class read Where the Red Fern Grows (and cried because oh my god the dogs died why is this book so depressing). That was the NFC South. The Falcons deserve no awards or consideration for being almost the best loser. The season was defined by a horrible comeback loss to the Lions in London.
But the Falcons did a lot of house cleaning, as Mike Smith was eaten by owner Arthur Blank for his failures. He was replaced by Dan Quinn, another defensive meathead coach who looks like a thumb.
They also got Kyle Shanahan to run the offense, which means one very important thing: Rex Grossman. Shanahan and Grossman go way back. They were on the Texans together. They were on the Redskins together. Shanahan went to the Browns, and Grossman briefly played there until he was cut in preseason. Now Shanahan is in Hotlanta, and he took the hottest player of them all with him.
Matt Ryan is still the starter and still the most white-bread of all QBs. The defense still has holes, but with Quinn at the helm and some quality free agents, they should be slightly less garbage. The offense got younger, as the ancient Mayan ruin known as Steven Jackson left. They are still in the NFC South. Don’t count out the Falcons; Atlanta might just do alright.
Falcons Fan Chilichimp has delivered to us a critical fan perspective. (Author’s note: Please keep in mind, this was written and sent to me before the signing of Rex Grossman, which explains the disappointing lack of talk about Rex Grossman):
Maybe I’m a goddamn moron; maybe I’m not. Maybe rainbows can be touched and leprechauns fart little clouds or red/black/white wherever they go!
Hoo boy, to be that kind of optimistic again. I haven’t been a Falcons fan forever, but you don’t have to have been around for the 1980 playoffs collapse to the Cowboys, the Super Bowl XXXIII implosion, or falling out of the playoffs the week after making history at Lambeau Field in 2002 to know sorrow.
We’ve got our own, fresh-to-death near championships to pine over. Oh god, the 2012 NFCCG, where the 49ers beat us in the exact way that the Seahawks almost did the week before. It was a waking nightmare right up to the last two minutes of the game. You can watch Tony Gonzalez on the sidelines losing his f*cking mind, and most Falcons fans were, too. We were so close.
But, you know what? This isn’t the same ’ole’ Falcons. We were no longer the team that had never had a back-to-back winning season. Mike Smith was here, and he’d already given us five and four playoff berths. We just made it to the NFCCG, and we were going to get better! Tony G is coming back? We drafted a promising young corner? We signed Steven “f*ckin’” Jackson? Damn year. Dayumn.
Welp, guess what my outlook is two full season removed from that stunningly, ultimately f*cking terrible offseason? I must be a goddamn moron, because I’m HYPE AS F*CK for 2015!!!
Let’s run down the list of things to be optimistic about:
-We finally got to draft a top-tier pass rusher who isn’t going to (better not) bust.
-Our 2014 (lol project) second-round draft pick looks like a MONSTER.
-We got a new head coach who, yes, bears a slight resemblance to Stone Cold Steve Austin. But, more importantly, looks to be doing the Lord’s work fixing our defensive line and…
-… The defensive line looks to be capable of generating pass rush for the first time since John Abraham was let go.
-We changed to a ZBS (a scheme switch that also helped the line performance in 2012) that will hopefully be a boon to our anemic (lol, f*cking wafer-thin) rushing attack.
-But most important of all these points –> our division rivals ALL look like hot f*cking garbage out there. Just awful. But, hey, they all probably feel like they’re in the best shape of their lives. The Panthers and the Saints both sh*t the bed hard in their first pre-season appearance, and the Falcons looked competent.I might be six feet under a pile of empty liquor bottles by the end of the season if things don’t change for the better in meaningful games. But, right now, I feel like watching some football and cheering for a comeback, underdog story. JOIN ME!
I’m not sure if the “JOIN ME!” is a threat or not, but, hey, maybe it’s enough to win the NFC South.
