Dr. John A. Zoidberg was a sideways walking conundrum. He loved too much, but no one wanted to love him in return. Throughout the run of Futurama, Zoidberg was the least eligible bachelor on all of television despite being a doctor. Take your pick of possible reasons why: he was noticeably needy, smelled like fish, looked like a lobster, and lived in a dumpster. But that doesn’t mean he’s not also worthy of love, right?
Despite constantly being treated like a red-headed step-child with a bad case of the black plague, Zoidberg always managed to lift his head back up and stretch his arms out for an embrace from his friends that very rarely came.
There’s a lesson to learn from Zoidberg’s everlasting optimism, though: even when you don’t feel the love, never stop looking for it. Here are some Zoidberg quotes to help you out on your quest.
“You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?”
People go through dry spells on occasion, and getting back into the dating game can be hard. If you’re like Zoidberg, that dry spell may have lasted most of your life and you never learned the game to begin with, so you turn to the pickup lines you see on TV. For the record, telling someone they’ve lost weight could either get you a smile and a hug, or a cold stare and a face covered in appletini.
“I’m going to a movie…with friends!”
My fellow loners out there (both by choice and not) are well-informed on the benefits of going to the movies alone. For example, you can enjoy all of the moderately overpriced popcorn instead of splitting the insanely overpriced popcorn. But when you actually get to go to the movies with friends for once, it’s definitely an event worth celebrating.
“Hooray! I’m helping!”
One of the best things you can do for someone who’s clingy is to make them feel needed. If they don’t get their allotted amount of usefulness in, they’ll look for it pretty much anywhere (like at the wrong side of a bank robber’s/kidnapper’s knife). So, in short, lonely people need something worthwhile to do from time to time to keep themselves out of danger.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams, but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg!”
Ah, grief. For those who yearn to be held, it’s the perfect wingman. Who could deprive you of a longing embrace while they’re mourning and/or lonely? Zoidberg took pleasure in letting everyone know that he’ll always be there for them, whether they want him to be or not, and is always down for a group hug. They just need a firm reminder from time to time.
“Hooray! People are paying attention to me!”
I’ve said this before and chances are you have, too. So, don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? We all have moments when we feel like we’re just floating from place to place. But when someone unexpectedly interrupts that aimless floating, it’s pretty surprising. Just make sure you don’t say “Hooray!” out loud because then they’ll think you’re a weirdo, leave, and you’ll be right back where you started off.
“Errr, excuse me… which is the one people like to hug?”
Teenage boys everywhere used to buy Axe body spray by the barrel and douse themselves in it before leaving the house, with the hope that their lives would turn into a commercial and they’d suddenly be swarmed by their crushes. That’s just a more mainstream example of a cry for attention. Another tactic is to just, you know, talk to them? Changing your personality to better fit someone’s desires always backfires.
“Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuchus!”
The lengths some people go to keep their friends’ attention is pretty embarrassing. But being the main focus at all times is apparently important enough to some people that they’ll put their pride on the line just for a collective laugh at their own expense. Nothing screams “Look at me! Look at me!” more than interrupting a conversation to point out deformities about your own ass.
“Hear my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I’m as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard.”
No one’s so closed off that they don’t feel anything at all, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. You can just learn that from watching any movie where the stoic badass has a moment of crisis. Chances are they’re even more soft on the inside than anyone else. Well, except for Zoidberg, who’s pretty much the Michelin man wrapped in a hard taco shell.
“You don’t understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.”
Compliments are clearly better than insults, but insults are still (debatably) better than complete avoidance. Sometimes all you can get from someone is the occasional roast session and you come to appreciate it, even though you shouldn’t. Sure, it’s an obviously unhealthy relationship, but it’s your extremely unhealthy relationship (that you should walk away from).
Note: But, seriously, don’t stick around if someone insults you more than anything else. Run away.
“First, let me pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming!… Owch! I forgot I was a giant crab!”
The final lesson in all of this is that if Zoidberg can find true love, we all can. Sure, it took him 14 years to do it, but he did it and that’s the important part. Just don’t ruin the moment and hurt yourself in the process, because a trip to the emergency room could make a date go south really quickly.
