We’ve already witnessed the glory of the newest Star Trek trailer this week, and we pulled up a chair to watch all five minutes of the new Independence Day: Resurgence trailer. Krang also arrived in the final Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows trailer, and Disney fans lost their minds over the first look at Emma Watson as Belle in the Beauty and the Beast teaser. In fact, so many people watched that teaser that it broke the previous teaser record set by Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Did you ever think you’d live to see the day that there are records for movie teaser-trailer views? What a world!
Those are hardly the only huge trailers that dropped this week, because we have a full of slate of trailers to run through, starting with two surefire animated blockbusters. First up, Ellen DeGeneres’s voice stars in the newest Finding Dory trailer, and the film will undoubtedly cause rivers of tears to flow through theaters. Hopefully it won’t also cause the extinction of a species of fish, but maybe that can be the plot of Finding Dory 2: Seriously, Where The F*ck Is Dory, Oh God What Have We Done?
Finding Dory
Starring: Ellen DeGeneres, Albert Brooks, Bill Hader, Idris Elba, Kate McKinnon
Directed by: Andrew Stanton, Angus MacLane
What’s it about?
The friendly-but-forgetful blue tang fish reunites with her loved ones, and everyone learns a few things about the real meaning of family along the way. (IMDb)
What are we guessing is the opening box-office draw for this one? $150 million? $300 million? I can’t even imagine taking my kid to see this opening weekend. It’s going to be like the Magic Kingdom funneled the entire park into a theater on a summer weekend. It’ll smell like artificial butter and soiled diapers, and the parents will be slightly buzzed so they can handle the routine without begging for the end times. But it should be funny and sweet! Dory swims into theaters on June 17.
Sing
Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Matthew McConaughey, Taron Egerton
Directed by: Garth Jennings
What’s it about?
A koala named Buster recruits his best friend to help him drum up business for his theater by hosting a singing competition. (IMDb)
You had me at a bison singing Crazy Town’s “Butterfly.” Also, the ridiculous cast and adorable premise helps, but if you include terrible ‘90s music in your movie, I will probably give it my endorsement. In fact, if a mama kangaroo and her joey show up to sing Nelson’s “Love and Affection,” well, I’ll go ahead and start Sing’s Oscar campaign myself. Sing shows off its talent on Dec. 21.
The Do-Over
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5580FNT5Wnw
Starring: Adam Sandler, David Spade, Paula Patton, The Happy Madison All-Stars
Directed by: Steven Brill
What’s it about?
Two down-on-their-luck guys decide to fake their own deaths and start over with new identities, only to find the people they’re pretending to be are in even deeper trouble. (IMDb)
Like most people, I don’t have any faith in Adam Sandler to try anymore. I’ve accepted that each new film is a chance to take his friends on vacation, and it’s great that he admits that, because who among us wouldn’t accept millions of dollars to half-ass our way through the back end of our careers to party with our pals? Except with The Do-Over, I’m getting this weird Bulletproof vibe, like it might actually have a little edge and some fun to it. I know, I’ve let my guard down and should be forced to watch Ridiculous Six again just for suggesting that this movie looks decent, but we’re living in strange times. The Do-Over assumes Netflix’s identity on May 27.
Collide
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygmdpoLyEAM
Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Felicity Jones, Anthony Hopkins, Ben Kingsley
Directed by: Eran Creevy
What’s it about?
An American backpacker gets involved with a ring of drug smugglers as their driver, though he winds up on the run from his employers across Munich’s high-speed Autobahn. (IMDb)
Holy crap, a movie about the Autobahn? Was this script left in a time capsule from 1994 with a note that reads: “Do not produce until 2016”? Whatever, I’m not complaining. I love when a rising star like Hoult has to star in these seemingly paint-by-numbers films in between their comic book movies and indie passion projects. If not for the studio saying, “Hey, you owe us,” we would have never had Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Premium Rush. Also, Anthony Hopkins and Ben Kingsley? This one might rival Lucky Number Slevin in terms of unappreciated awesomeness. Collide breaks the speed limit on Aug. 19.
Don’t Think Twice
Starring: Keegan-Michael Key, Gillian Jacobs, Mike Birbiglia, Chris Gethard
Directed by: Mike Birbiglia
What’s it about?
When a member of a popular New York City improv troupe gets a huge break, the rest of the group — all best friends — start to realize that not everyone is going to make it after all. (IMDb)
I love just about everyone involved in this film, and yet I have this feeling, based on the synopsis, that this is going to be one of the most depressing movies ever made by and about hilarious people. I guess we’ll have to wait until it hits theaters on July 22 to find out. (Pro tip: Watch it after Finding Dory so you’ll already be out of tears!)
Free State of Jones
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Keri Russell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Directed by: Gary Ross
What’s it about?
As civil war divides the nation, a poor farmer from Mississippi leads a group of rebels against the Confederate army. (IMDb)
Is this a hot summer Oscar bid for McConaughey? Probably not, but that shouldn’t stop us from enjoying his portrayal of a man trying to do what’s right for a nation in the middle of the bloodiest war. “No man shall be owned,” his character might say, adding, “All right? All right, all right.” Free State of Jones stops the South from rising again on June 24.
Morgan
Starring: Rose Leslie, Kate Mara, Anya Taylor-Joy
Directed by: Luke Scott
What’s it about?
Morgan is about a corporate risk-management consultant who has to decide and determine whether or not to terminate an artificial being’s life that was made in a laboratory environment. (IMDb)
You know it’s crazy AF because they won’t show Morgan, but there’s blood on the glass, people are yelling, and there’s that whole Ex Machina vibe with the concrete walls and windowless rooms, as well as the person tasked with talking to the supposed monster looking like an idiot. I hope they keep Morgan’s face a secret until the final scene of the film, when they reveal that she has a big penis nose.
Sniper: Ghost Shooter
Starring: Dennis Haysbert, Stephanie Vogt, Chad Michael Collins
Directed by: Don Michael Paul
What’s it about?
Snipers, duh!
Collins returns as sniper Brandon Beckett in the latest entry in the Sniper franchise. Seriously, there are so many Sniper films that it’s hard to keep track of which films are part of a franchise, but I’m just going to assume that this one is related to the 1993 film starring Tom Berenger and Billy Zayne. That movie should have cleaned up at the Oscars that year, but Hollywood is too afraid to award awesomeness. Stop being cowards, Academy, and give Berenger and Zayne a lifetime achievement award this year. Ghost Shooter (which is not a Ghostbusters knockoff, sadly) will be available at some point this year.
The Adventures of Panda Warrior
Starring: Rob Schneider, Norm MacDonald
Directed by: Someone with a computer, apparently
What’s it about?
A peace-loving soldier from ancient China is magically transported into a world ruled by an evil nine-headed snake. Transformed into a panda, he joins forces with a flying pig to free the once-peaceful Merryland from tyranny. But first he must train to be the kingdom’s most courageous panda warrior. (YouTube)
I can’t believe this is a real movie. This is like one of those knockoff iPhone app games like Furiously Fast or Superheroes Avenging. Except it’s a movie and it stars Rob Schneider. And Norm MacDonald? What the hell is going on? Is someone blackmailing him? Norm, if you can read this, take two bites of KFC mashed potatoes to let us know if you’re in danger.
