Here’s what you need to know about Erin Bailey: She’s 25, lives in Boston, and loves fitness more than most people love anything (up to and including their pets and children). She’s also 5-foot-8 and self-admittedly “flat-chested,” crediting her endless hours at the gym for whatever curves she possesses. “But wait,” you might be asking, “why the hell should I know anything about this stranger’s body?” Good question and that’s exactly why a blog post that Bailey published on Friday is getting so much attention.
Titled “What Do We Deserve,” Bailey’s post is part personal essay, part call to action. In it, she both disavows the culture that opens the door for people to ask “well, what was she wearing?” when discussing sexual assault, and shares some of her own experiences — which she says make up less than five percent of the harassment she’s received — of being a woman who dares to go outside in workout clothes.
Last week I was going for a run before work to clock four miles for my half marathon training. I ran past a parking garage that has an attendant in the front to direct traffic between cars exiting and people crossing. A thankless job, I smiled gave him a wave to thank him and kept running. I took two steps before he yelled after me a “MM HMMMM”. Like he was salivating over a steak.
“This summer,” Bailey explains via phone, “the harassment feels like it’s been happening more and more in my life. And the more I’d come home after a run and tell my roommates what happened, or the second I shared an experience with my co-workers, the next woman had three more stories to share.”
But personal stories aren’t the only reason Bailey had to write her post. In the past month, three women have been murdered while out on their daily jogs, and Bailey says she’s disgusted by the fact that people responded to the tragedy by questioning whether the victims had done something to deserve their fates (a stance that’s all too common).
“That’s something I couldn’t sit with,” Bailey says. “That’s something that could have happened to me, to my friends. That’s when I decided to tell my side of it.”
Bailey’s “side of it” includes an rundown of the harassment she’s faced just in the last several months. These instances include a man who followed her down the street after holding the door open for her at a store, sexual advances from a stranger who decided he had the right to tell Bailey what he’d like to do to her after watching her work out, and, as Bailey writes, an older man who humiliated her while she was trying to get a drink at her gym, a place that Bailey firmly believes should be a safe space for everyone.
I had a man come up to me a couple months ago at the water fountain in the gym as I was filling up my water bottle he waited patiently. He then told me he liked my leggings, that they made my ass look great, and they’d look better off.
As a result, Bailey is asking some important questions:
Am I supposed to stop going to the park? Am I supposed to not run in downtown Boston in the broad daylight? Am I supposed to not go to 7-Eleven or the laundromat at 6PM on a Wednesday night? Am I supposed to not go to the gym?
I am careful. I don’t go to dangerous places alone. I don’t run in dodgy areas by myself. I carry keys on me, and soon pepper spray to put my Moms mind at ease. But that’s not the point.
What do I deserve?
And offering some even more important answers:
I deserve to be treated like a human, not just a woman, because that means something different these days.
And us women, what do we deserve?
We deserve not to feel silenced by your yells.
We deserve to feel empowered for bettering ourselves.
We deserve to feel sexy in our own skin without feeling like we’re here to bait you.
We deserve to speak out without the threat of you lingering on our minds.
We deserve to run outside.
We deserve to be judged on our merits, not our outfits.
We deserve more. A whole lot more.
While Bailey has received a great deal of support — her post has inspired over 900 comments, many from women sharing their own stories — she’s also been hit with some criticism from men who want everyone to know “they’re not like that,” as well as those who refuse to believe that Bailey wears gym clothes (in 85 degree heat) for any other reason than to get attention. Others place the blame squarely at women’s feet, claiming that those affected by the catcalls, inappropriate advances, and nasty comments need to find ways to cope with the harassment because it’s not going to stop.
“This is just a part of our society now and people just accept it as normal, but that is such a terrible norm to have,” Bailey says. “That’s what I’m trying to put the brakes on. This doesn’t have to be our normal. It’s not a culture I want to be a part of. You have to say something to change that.”
Somehow, we’ve come to consider catcalling such a normal occurrence that some people have decided that the responsibility to educate harassers now lies with the victim, something that Bailey completely disagrees with. “Harassment’s always surprising when it happens,” Bailey says. “I never expect someone to grab me or yell at me. When it happens you’re caught off guard. Most people’s initial reactions aren’t ‘stop’ because they don’t know what’s going to happen next. There are so many stories of what happens next becoming the worst possible thing that many stay silent.”
For Bailey, who’s been a pacifist all her life, staying silent was once something that she considered “rising above,” but she now agrees that walking away isn’t a viable option. “That silence doesn’t feel like its rising above anymore after a while,” Bailey says. “It feels like we’re being cornered and being pushed down, and the biggest thing is people don’t feel safe saying anything.”
And there’s certainly a power dynamic involved. It’s impossible not to connect the things that Bailey’s faced — particularly the man who told her that her leggings would look better off — with the privilege that men enjoy in our society when it comes to approaching women. “It’s like he deserves to say that,” Bailey says. “It’s a big power struggle. It’s about men feeling they’re superior and wanting to assert dominance. It’s so blatantly wrong and there’s no excuse for it.” That statement absolutely includes men who hide behind the idea that their harassment is okay because they’ve labeled themselves as “socially awkward,” something that more and more people are claiming to be after being confronted with their bad behavior.
One argument that commenters to the blog post made over and over — and in every tone possible, from explanatory, to conciliatory, to toxically angry — is that Bailey wouldn’t be harassed if she weren’t so attractive, as if that were a valid reason, as if catcalling was a sign of true and earnest affection that one might hope to turn into a longer conversation. But that’s not how harassment works, and that’s one of the reasons that women of all shapes, ages, and sizes are speaking out about the treatment they’ve received from men who either think that a woman will respond to their advances or who think they’re doing someone a favor by making unwanted sexual advances.
The answer, Bailey says, isn’t to stop interacting with others, but to respect women. Respect the fact that anyone should be able to wear what they like without being harassed for it, and respect the reality that just because a woman is out in public doesn’t mean that anyone has a right to approach her to hit on her, make snide remarks, or make blatantly lewd comments about her appearance. “It’s that respect,” Bailey says. “That’s what people don’t understand.” That’s not to say that Bailey doesn’t agree that there’s pressure on men to conform to the stereotypical gender roles set out for them — the idea that they should absolutely pursue women they find attractive — she just believes that it’s our job to move past that. There are other ways to interact.
Recently, Bailey was running when a man approached her to give her a high five. She was sweaty and nearly dying, and the simple gesture was something that helped her complete her run. In turn, she did the same thing for someone else. “That shows you that was a positive experience. It was a pay-it-forward,” she says.
So how do we move towards a world in which it’s more or less guaranteed that women won’t be harassed just for going outside? According to Bailey, it’s all about education, even for those people who believe they’ve never treated women badly and those who have emailed her to apologize for their behavior towards women in the past.
“A man who commented said he had two boys aged 13 and 14,” Bailey says. “He made them read the post. We need to teach this type of equality to our children. The biggest thing is to be aware of your behavior. Just think twice. If your friend say something, call them out on it. It’s important to protect the women in your life, but protect people around your peers.”
Bailey’s post is powerful, but there are plenty of stories like hers that we don’t hear about. That’s why, Bailey points out, it’s important that people reflect on their actions and think about ways that they can do better in the future. “Apologize if you need to,” she says, “but make sure you’re moving forward and make sure you’re not the problem anymore and working to make sure the problem isn’t there.”
“The thing to learn from my story,” Bailey says, “is to take a look at your actions and the actions of those around you. If something’s important to you, say something. Speak out, it could change lives.”
