Pre-show notes:
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– If you’re in Austin, be sure to check out the in-town premiere of MEET ME THERE at the Alamo Drafthouse Lakeline on May 20. Goldust was gonna be there, but he has to tape a Smackdown. So if he wrestles Fandango or whatever, hate it even more.
Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 12, 2014.
Worst: Listening To Seth Rollins Talk Is Like Going On A Date With Cindy Sanders
Here’s a point I’ve made before: WWE’s obsession with all three members of The Shield getting mic time is super dumb. Dean Ambrose is the guy in the group who can talk. Roman should be there to make Handsome Angry Prince Face at the camera and say “believe in The Shield” when Dean is done. Seth should probably stand in the background and be awesome at wrestling.
As it stands, Shield promos are like going on a date with Cindy Sanders. You’re really into her and she’s cool and popular and gorgeous, and The Jerk is playing. Things couldn’t be more exciting. And then you’re there, and she thinks your heirloom necklace is ugly and she just sits there complaining and ruins it. She gets bored and tries to give you a hickey, and on paper a hickey would be great, but you’re trying to watch The Goddamn Jerk.
The Shield gets in the ring and they’re YOUR FAVORITE because every time they’re in the ring, something great happens. Ambrose gets the mic and says his piece and you’re like YEAH BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD, but then Rollins gets on. Let me paraphrase last night’s promo:
WE ARE THE SHIELD. BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD. THE SHIELD IS BETTER THAN EVOLUTION. WE WILL BEAT EVOLUTION BECAUSE WE ARE THE SHIELD AND THE SHIELD IS BETTER THAN EVOLUTION. FURTHERMORE, THE SHIELD WILL BEAT EVOLUTION IN THE NEXT MATCH WE HAVE, BECAUSE EVOLUTION ISN’T AS GOOD AS THE SHIELD. THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT, THE SHIELD WILL RUN THROUGH EVOLUTION, BECAUSE WE ARE GREAT AND EVOLUTION ISN’T AS GOOD AS US. THRICELY,
Take it home, Seth. Then Roman starts trying to give you a hickey, and you just want him to stop being Stupid Sexy Roman Reigns for five seconds and hit the “believe in the Shield” so we can get to the wrestling. Roman seriously sounds like he’s trying to slow jam Evolution. Motherf*cker is always five seconds from breaking out in an Al B. Sure song. WE’RE GONNA BEAT EVOLUTION NIGHT AND DAY. BELIEVE THAT.
For the billionth time, let Ambrose talk, let Roman punctuate and let Seth jump on things.
Best: Rocky Harrah
Three things before we get to the actual wrestling portion of the wrestling show:
1. Zeb Colter is amazing, and I want to hear him talk about “Rocky Harrah” all day. Just give me a behind the scenes show where Zeb and Jack Swagger watch old movies and condescend on them. “HAROLD AND MAUDE? More like HAROLD AND FRAUD” etc.
2. The sitar entrance to Adam Rose’s theme needs to go. Unless George Harrison’s in the crowd nobody’s gonna pop for a sitar, and you don’t need a buffer to get the Rosebuds out onto the stage. Just start the music, have them dance out and then bring out Rose a few seconds later. Why are they dancing like that to sitar music anyway? You don’t rave to Ravi Shankar. Ravey Shankar.
3. Is that Cheeseburger from ROH? Wait, sorry, that’s an actual cheeseburger.
Best: Adam Rose Saves Us From The Majority Of A Rob Van Dam Match
I normally don’t like when outside-the-match shenanigans occur and rob us of a legit wrestling match, but it’s Van Dam, so I’ll allow it. I actually liked most of this, from Swagger timing his run into the ropes to Rose’s music so he’d whiff swinging at a trust fall to Van Dam as a chubby old tiger who just discovered new friends in his land of make believe. They should do a story where RVD’s done so many drugs in his life that the he just sees the Rosebuds as 20 people in business suits.
And man, how sad does Van Dam look with that busted eye and the frizzy ponytail? He looks like a club promoter on his last legs. Maybe he should start wearing Naomi’s old eye patch until it heals up. Put a Yin Yang on it if he has to.
Best: Alicia Fox Vs. Paige*
If you’re gonna parrot any of my talking points, parrot this one: Alicia Fox rules, and if you don’t think so, you should watch more NXT.
In wrestling it’s hard to have that “this person’s actually good” conversation, because it gets muddled up with “they’re not USING THEM RIGHT.” That’s the worst conversation to have with a wrestling fan … discussing a wrestler who is supposedly really good, they just never, ever show it because of WWE creative or the writers or whatever. I used to be that guy, so I understand. It’s frustrating to have an idea of someone and have it never substantiated. As I get older, though, I realize that “being good at wrestling” isn’t doing moves and winning matches, it’s performing to the best of your ability in the role and position you’ve been given. If a person is “good at wrestling,” you can see it in whatever they do.
A great example of this is Heath Slater. The most prestigious thing that guy’s ever done is lose like 15 matches in a row to WWE Legends to advertise Raw’s 1000th episode. Still, every time he’s in the ring he makes something of it. He dies to put over offense. He sells Big Show’s lazy KO punch like he’s been clipped by a bullet train. He goes all-in with his character, never being afraid to look as ridiculous as they want him to look, or collapse as helplessly as they want him to collapse. He’s great at his job, even if his job isn’t being cool and winning.
Alicia Fox is like that. She’s never been the focus of the Divas division, even when she was Divas champion. She’s always been the “hands on her hips, point at the crowd” lady. Not much more conceptually than Rosa Mendes. The difference, though, is in a visible increase in effort, and in a quality of work. If you watch Alicia wrestle, she knows how to do it. You can see Sara Del Rey coming through in how she works a wristlock, how she adds emphasis to her tilt-a-whirl slams or in how she plays her character walking. She’s always Alicia Fox and never “Victoria Crawford,” you know?
I put an asterisk on the Best because both of these women are great in the ring, and because I needed to voice one sincere complaint: why can’t we let two women be awesome at the same time? If Alicia Fox is getting in dynamic offense and playing this great character to get the crowd behind Paige, why not let Paige ALSO be great and dynamic? She just took offense, hit one move and called it a match. How great could this have been if they’d let Fox’s groundwork really BUILD something? Have Paige fight back and have the two trade offense for a bit. It doesn’t have to be 20 minutes or anything, but a series of matches where the women prove how valuable their developmental training has been by tearing it the f*ck up could go a long way toward convincing WWE crowds that women don’t equal bathroom. At least not these specific women.
Best: Have A Foxy Mental Breakdown!
The post-match stuff might’ve been the highlight of Raw. Alicia has a complete and total mental breakdown a la Chris Jericho’s WCW heel turn. She wanders around the ring breaking stuff, ludicrously kicking the security railing in an attempt to get fans to flinch and wandering off in JBL’s cowboy hat. She Gallaghers the front row with what I assume is CM Punk’s old Diet Soda. Oh, and my favorite part: watch her when she first gets to the announce table. She takes both of her hands and slams them down onto the removable part of the table, stops, looks at her hands and mouths “ouch.” It’s adorable. It’s probably her first time ever interacting with the table, you know?
The stuff on the app is great, too, with Alicia quitting, then unquitting because she should be allowed to have a “moment.” Tremendous. Let’s give all these women characters beyond how jealous they are of Total Divas inclusion and see how much better it gets.
Worst: Welp, Here’s A Huge Punch To The Gut
So.
Sigh, so.
At the risk of writing a footnoted longform about it, here’s how the last month and change of Daniel Bryan’s life has gone. After 15 years in the wrestling business and being told that he’d never make it because of his size, charisma, tan or whatever else, Daniel Bryan Danielson won two matches at WrestleMania, defeated three members of Evolution and won the WWE AND World Heavyweight Championship belts. It was WrestleMania X plus WrestleMania XX and basically the greatest single-night performance in WrestleMania history. Shortly after that he married a model and went on a honeymoon to Hawaii. The perfect reward for a man who has fought his entire life to be the very best performer in the industry.
He got back from Hawaii to find out his dad had passed away. Then his number one fan and inspiration died. Now he’s suddenly got a neck injury that requires surgery and could keep him out for months — or, worst case scenario, indefinitely — and an iffy future with those two belts he won, barely a month after winning them. The happiest thing to happen to wrestling in years could turn into a heap of sadness and one of the worst aborted title runs ever.
What are we supposed to do?
I’ve spent the last day trying not to flip out and let my pessimism and cynicism overwhelm me. As of now, they haven’t stripped him of the belts. If he’s not out for long, he could just keep them, take some time off to rest and come back strong. Nothing will have changed, and we won’t have to lump him in with Dolph Ziggler in the “injury f*cked me” pile. The legacy of Daniel Bryan’s amazing WWE World Heavyweight Championship win cannot be a forklift and Brie Bella’s horror acting. It CAN NOT.
I’m just Tommy Wiseau tossing water bottles right now. I fed up with this worl. Everybody betray me.
Worst: And Now Another Kane Attack, For No Raisin!
Wasn’t Daniel Bryan coming to the ring and saying, “sorry everybody, I have to have neck surgery because of what Kane did to me, but I’ll try not to die and vanish forever” enough? Did we need Kane EXTRA ATTACKING him to send him off? Does Bryan’s career need to be marked with these moments of him being helplessly carted away to a hospital while His Wife Brie Bella makes dramatic statements to Stephanie McMahon? Can Bryan look tough sometimes? Have we totally forgotten how to do that?
Kevin Nash should’ve come around the corner and hit Bryan with a sledgehammer for emphasis.
Worst: The Cena/Bray Wyatt Feud Gets Advanced Via Empty Threats And John Cena Winning
Hey look, it’s week 15 or whatever of the John Cena/Bray Wyatt feud and Bray’s still singing church songs and making these big threats about what he’s gonna do to Cena. So far Cena’s reaction has been to easily win matches, make jokes about Bray Wyatt being in a donkey show and lose one cage match via MAGICAL CHILD INTERFERENCE.
To reiterate, what are the stakes here, exactly? At WrestleMania, Cena had to do everything he could to defeat Wyatt and resist being taken over to the dark side. He won. At Extreme Rules, he had to do everything he could do defeat Wyatt in a cage match to keep Wyatt’s message from spreading. He easily won the match, but lost because of special effects and a child actor we’ll never see again. At Payback, they’re both still trying to do … something. Bray says he “knows what he has to do,” which is not like the time he knew he’d have to take Cena to the extreme, or the time he’d beat him at WrestleMania. I don’t know anymore. I can’t imagine understanding or enjoying this feud beyond “I like watching John Cena beat guys.”
The problem with doing three pay-per-view matches in a row is that they have to be DIFFERENT, or at least a progression of one long story. You can’t just play the first episode of an episodic drama, then rerun that episode every week for six months and have ANYBODY care. At least attempt the illusion that things are happening, guys.
Worst: The Opposite Of Alicia Fox
So, here is some garbage.
Okay, so, Alicia Fox and Paige. It wasn’t the match I wanted it to be, but it featured people professionally wrestling. Natalya vs. Nikki Bella was mostly them doing whatever they could remember between these weird “stand offs” where they’d just stare at each other for 30 seconds or start slapping. The cast of Total Divas stood outside of the ring with number cards and rated the moves, because you know, Eva Marie is totally qualified to tell whether a schoolboy roll-up is an 8 or a 10.
Just terrible. This is what people think of when they think “WWE Women’s Wrestling,” and “women’s wrestling” by proxy. The fact that this continues in spite of so many women on the roster being able to work is mind-boggling, and right now the Divas division is in the same spot as CM Punk’s hair. He’s clearly tired of it being short, but it’s gonna take a while to get it long again. Natalya is Punk’s “going to a hockey game” hair.
Worst: Natalya Is In A Glass Case Of Emotion
I’m happy that the women’s division got more than one story in three hours. I’m also happy that the Divas title continues to be kept far, far away from the Total Divas cast. I’m happy about a lot of things.
At the same time, man, I’d rather watch this gaggle of actresses act than wrestle. That’s the truth. I talk the “why not let them WRESTLE” game a lot, but they’re terrible at it. Summer Rae is great, but Summer Rae’s not really one of them. Natalya probably could’ve been good in another life where she stuck around in SHIMMER for a while and came up without a “hart” somewhere in her name to make the McMahon family throw farting, freakshow girlfriend and bad painter gimmicks on her. But good lord, ask Natalya to act and she’s instantly the least likable, least understandable character on the show. She’s a 50-year old woman who is insulted by everything and hates everyone.
Here, she gets upset that the Total Divas cast is scoring her match, even though they had nothing to do with the finish. She tears up their numbers and then just stand there with her head down moping about it. Nikki Bella walks by, takes the torn up numbers away from her and throws them on the ground. Nattie takes it and makes sob faces. Who am I supposed to cheer here, exactly? The girl who won the match and was super mean afterwards, or the one who LOST and was super mean afterwards? What is the point of any of this, to make me hate an entire group of girls? Can’t the reality show appeal to the “I watch the hate everyone” crowd, and the wrestling show maybe not?
Best: Rybaxel
THESE guys.
Okay, so they walk down to the ring together in matching RX beanies, because I guess they’re pharmacists now. They play a really bad game of paper rock scissors to determine who … goes first? They never really establish if this is a series of matches or if Axel and Ryback just sign contracts as RYBAXEL and operate under the Freebird Rule, but whatever. The game doesn’t solve anything, so they remove their hats to reveal HAT QUARTERS, which are then flipped to determine who wrestles. If nothing else has made you love Curtis Axel so far, him throwing away his quarter with a Mr. Perfect slap should do it. If nothing else has made you love Ryback, listen to him accept the results of the coin toss with a Muppet smile and “BIG GUY OUT.”
Rybaxel is the best. The best.
Worst: How To Book Sheamus
Sheamus is not John Cena. I hope they figure that out one day.
John Cena is not believable when taking damage. He’s the Hulk Hogan. He pretends to take damage, then gets his power-ups in, does his shit and wins the match. That’s the value of John Cena to almost everyone watching. Nerds like me want him to be a workhorse, and he can do that, but he doesn’t often. Sheamus isn’t that. Sheamus is TERRIBLE when he’s asked to simply hulk up out of nowhere and win a match. He looks like one half of La Resistance, breaking out that horrid OVW training to do the three moves he knows and win. The value of Sheamus is in his ability to tell a story based on the damage he’s taken.
That’s crucial. Every great Sheamus match involves a certain level of disbelief in the amount of damage he’s taking. He wears it well. His hair gets matted, he bruises, he scars, he turns raw-chicken-pink. He’s soaking wet. You FEEL like he’s taken damage, as opposed to Cena, who is just making faces. Not a condemnation of Cena as a wrestler, but it’s a totally different thing. The Intercontinental Championship contender tournament was great because Sheamus was allowed to take that damage from his opponents and fight through it. It creates drama, excitement. He’s the absolute best in the business at it.
Here, he’s just mowing through guys. Axel’s got a great dropkick and Ryback is underrated when it comes to dealing hoss dino-damage, but when Sheamus is just mugging through it en route to a Brogue Kick, there’s no hook. It’s asking a man to ignore the thing he does best, and nothing’s more disappointing than that. If they’d simply booked a Ryback vs. Sheamus match (and made it a TITLE match, for God’s sakes, especially if Sheamus is gonna win), they could’ve had Ryback MAUL him for a while instead of just trading signature moves, and the crowd would’ve eaten it up. Instead, it’s like watching AI control the match. No heart. Nothing visceral.
Worst: JBL Thinks The Love Between A Man And A Woman Is Disgusting
God, I want the twist here to be that JBL is gay and thinks heterosexuality is sickening. LOVE IS BETWEEN A MAN AND A MAN, IT SAYS SO IN THE BABBLE MAGGLE, LEVITICUS, THOU SHALT LAY WITH A MAN LIKE YOU’D LAY WITH A WOMAN. Just full-on misquoting Bible verses in shouty JBL voice. That’d be awesome.
The match was … what was this? Honestly, I feel like I’ve typed “what was the point” about everything on Raw, but what was the point? Fandango’s got Ziggler beat, but Layla gets her entire leg caught in the ring apron (?), Fandango gets overly concerned about it and gets caught with a Zig Zag for the loss. So he brings Layla into the ring and confesses his love to her, and they make out? Do what? The babyface is the guy who took an opportunistic win based on a distraction from a woman in peril. The heel is the guy who is worried about the safety of his girlfriend, then tells her it’s okay because he loves her. This pisses off the announce team so bad they’re SCREAMING for someone to stop filming them.
THE BABBLE, MAGGLE.
Best: JEEM DOOGAN
1. Jim Duggan’s promo was amazing. Why was he even out there? “Hey tough guys, I know you’re watching Legends House, so keep watching Legends House. Tough guy! Hoooo!”
2. Upon reflection, HOCKSAW JEEM DOOGAN was the best part of this show.
3. What was LANA’s promo about? She says Duggan symbolizes America, but doesn’t realize that China has surpassed the US and has a bigger economy, which makes Rusev proud to represent Mother Russia? Does Lana think Bulgaria AND China are part of Russia? Is Putin Chinese? In a few weeks are we gonna have a giant picture of Kim Jong-Un on the TitanTron with Lana under it Moose-and-Squirrelling about how RUSEV LOVES GLORIOUS RUSSIAN LEADER?
Best: LOL BIG E NO
A BLACK GUY, THE ONE THING THAT COULD DISTRACT RUSEV
If you haven’t read my logistically-proven theory on why Rusev only beats up black wrestlers. Lana ordered Rusev to crush Duggan, but instead of attacking, he just put his hands up in a fighting stance. Big E runs down to the ring and Rusev is ALL OVER HIM. They’re totally doing this on purpose now, right?
If they want a Rusev crossover with Legends House, have Piper show up painted half black again and watch Rusev cock his head to the side like a confused dog.
Best: Lana’s Instagram Videos
I’m sure you’re already on board with this, but if you don’t follow Lana, you’re missing out on the very best Instagram videos ever. This is the one from Sunday:
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You should be in love with her tenfold now, but in case you need the death blow, watch the one about her decorating a Christmas tree.
[protected-iframe id=”478f9a771b51335facf2f4afc6ac2a31-60970621-20122658″ info=”//instagram.com/p/iSvtO8hK2h/embed/” width=”612″ height=”710″ frameborder=”0″ scrolling=”no”]
LARRY BIRD IS BEST. HE CRUSH, YES?
Worst: Rhodes Scholars And A Dead Crowd
♫ Vinnie vinnie vinnie vinnie ♫
Sorry.
Cody Rhodes wrestled Damien Sandow and beat him by raking the eyes. Goldust seemed kinda fine about it, and kinda not. Hey, remember when Goldust would get tattoos of people on his chest and force mouth-to-mouth on people to play mind games? Yeah, the story here is that THAT GUY is gonna be bothered by a rake of the eyes. From his brother who used to put paper bags on fans’ heads because they were too ugly to be seen. A RAKE OF THE EYES.
God forbid somebody throw a low blow, the entire Rhodes family would have to go to therapy.
Worst: I Hope You Like Slow Punching
The main event of Batista vs. Roman Reigns was three minutes of very slow punching, followed by exciting post-match stuff.
Here’s the thing about Roman Reigns: he’s a WEAPON. This is why he works so well in a six-man tag. The guy isn’t built to stagger around a ring trading blows, gasping and reaching for the bottom rope. He’s not meant to “rally the WWE Universe” or whatever. That’s what Dean and Seth do. Roman’s job is to PUNCTUATE. He’s the rush, the hot tag. The guy who comes in and zips around and dominates and destroys. That’s why him facing adversity once a six-man tag has gotten hot is so effective … it’s almost unbelievable that someone could stop him, so when they do, you’re compelling to see where it goes. It’s why at the end of the Extreme Rules tag I was going “COME ON ROMAN, COME ON ROMAN, COME ON ROMAN” waiting him to get up. If I’d watched him take damage for 15 minutes before and only ever fight back with big hammering punches, I might not be as interested.
The Shield have almost created their own formula. “Southern style” six-man tags, where instead of two hot tags between partners, it’s this entire system of back and forth culminating in an exciting finish. The best parts of an 80s NWA tag and a Dragon Gate six man without all the excess. That “keep them together forever” thing isn’t just fanboy wishing, it’s the preservation of a style.
Best: Raw Gets Good With Like Two Minutes Left In The Show
I wouldn’t believe one guy taking out seven. John Cena and the Nexus, I’m looking in your direction. Hell, I wouldn’t buy one guy taking out three. John Cena and The Shield, I’m looking in YOUR direction. What I can buy is three guys working together to overcome a loosely confederated group of semi-stars, especially when the big name stars are so quick to flee.
I loved the ending to Raw, which is weird, because it was one of the ONLY things I loved. Alicia Fox, Rybaxel, Lana saying “Jim Duggan” and this. It felt like a real fight, and made The Shield look like they can pretty much take on anybody. They got enough advantages to make it feel legit. Triple H’s overconfidence and the job squad’s underestimation of Roman leading to a spear. Dean and Seth running in with steel chairs, which are the classic “I’m outnumbered” equalizer. So much good stuff, built almost entirely on the idea of putting guys with a lot of talent and a connection to the crowd into exciting situations. WHOOPS.
More of this, less of the previous three hours, please.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
ShimmerDownMeow
Ryback’s crotch has been in Reigns’ face so much over the past couple years that I’m surprised they’re not a slash pairing.
Smooth Jimmy Apollo
7:42 PM ET:
Producer #1: OK guys, Bryan is out tonight. Fans are gonna be disappointed.
Producer #2: We better give them something they like
Vince: Well, what do they like?
Producer #1: Well, they like The Shield.
Vince: Fine, give them The Shield vs Evolution. People like them, too.
Producer #2: Umm…
HHH: Nah we gotta save that match for PayBack. People like Roman Reigns. Dave, you go one on one.
Batista: Uhh, by myself?
HHH: Yeah, and since we need a big finish, we’re gonna need you to go 20.
Batista: (Sweating profusely)
HHH: You can do it, come on.
Batista: Homina, homina, homina…
HHH: (SIGH). Fine. Can you go 5? Evolution will just break it up then.
Batista: Yeah 5, I can do that. Can I headlock him for 4?
HHH: Damn…
dak
Did Ambrose just yell “do you see what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the ass?”
Redshirt
Shield just squashed the midcard. They are registering over 20 millicenas!
John Godot
SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO–
Roman Reigns: That’s ma music! *drops hot dog and soda and runs from concessions to the stands*
That’s So Raylan
I was gonna make a joke about Lana and her name backwards but her promos have made it clear she’s into Russians and not Greek.
StreetSpirit
Fandango: “*pant* I *pant* love *pant* you”
HHH: “This Fandango guy is stealing my thing.”
Batista: “Your thing?”
Delsaber
Natalya’s art courtesy of the George W. Bush exhibit.
John Michael Hall
Brie No Evil.
Armando Payne
Tune in to This Week’s Impact for a special never before seen story.
Eric Young: “I broke my neck, gonna take time off, bye”
Thanks, everybody. See you next week.
