With so many book-to-show changes, and the fact that many plots are caught up with George R.R. Martin’s text, we’re only doing one Game of Thrones recap this season… this one. Please try to talk about last night’s episode, not plot points half a season away (context from the books will be provided as needed, though nothing will be spoiled). Also, each week’s recap will be broken down into (Faith of the) seven questions that need answering, beginning with…
1. How is Maester Aemon related to Daenerys?
With Daenerys eternally stuck in Meereen, Maester Aemon is the last remaining Targaryen in Westeros (unless R+L=J). Not that anyone, save Jon Snow, knows who he is, or that he’s even still alive. Aemon has been long forgotten since arriving to the Wall 9 million years ago, after refusing the throne multiple times. It eventually went to Aegon V, his brother and the Mad King’s father. Aerys II had at least three children, Rhaegar, Viserys, and Dany, making Aemon (who I thought for a second had advised Jon to kill poor Olly, not the metaphorical boy inside him) her great-uncle. They should send each other Christmas cards by birds and dragons.
2. Is Jon Snow making the right call by not riding with Stannis?
First off, I loved Stannis’ brief interaction with Davos about grammar (“fewer”). You never know when that charm bomb is going to explode. Anyway, Jon Snow is headed North of the Wall, to Hardhome, with Ginger Beard Guy, also known as Tormund Giantsbane, to convince the Free Folk to fight against the White Walkers with his men. Half the Night’s Watch hates their Lord Commander, and that’s before his plan to have them make peace with the same people who slaughtered their figurative brothers and literal parents, in Olly’s case. Now, it’s like 97 percent who are making snide remarks about Jon’s hair behind his back. From a strategic, long-term perspective, what Jon’s doing makes sense. Like winter (and the STD Monster from It Follows), the dangerous Walkers are coming, and it’s up to the Night’s Watch to stop them before they do any real harm. But Jon needs more recruits, which is why he’s willing to suffer through his negative-Q score. But I really wanted him and Stannis the Grammis to march to Winterfell together, to save Sansa Stark. To pass the time, they could talk about how they were almost Eskimo brothers. Oh well.
3. What’s more dangerous: Myranda’s hip bones or every Bolton ever?
Stannis is one chilly motherf*cker, but he generally follows a moral code and genuinely loves his child. Roose Bad to the Bolton, meanwhile, is a mother-raper who has nonconsensual sex with Ramsay’s mother while her dead husband hangs from a noose above them. One hugs, eventually, the other considered throwing their bastard son in the water, letting the damn thing drown. I don’t advise baby death-by-drowning, but Theon, er, Reek would. Ramsay has turned the once-proud Greyjoy into a rancid mutt (new band name), who spends his days in kennels or as a pawn in his master’s sadistic games. Reek has been assigned to give Sansa away at her wedding to Ramsay (who learned this episode that his dad knows where to find a vagina, and that Roose is having a baby with Fat Walda) because what’s a wedding on Game of Thrones if someone isn’t miserable? Speaking of misery: Myranda wants to pull a Kathy Bates and break Sansa’s leg, but she instead played mental games with the poor girl. That surely wasn’t the last time we’ve seen the Girl with the Sharp Hip Bones. What if they’re made of dragon glass?
4. How will Dany’s plan work?
Poorly, probably! To ease the unrest in Meereen, Dany resolved to re-open the fighting pits and marry the leader of an ancient family. Oh look, here’s one, Hizdahr zo Loraq, who earlier in the day came this close to becoming Viserion and Rhaegal’s dessert. The assigned marriage is meant to manipulate Dany’s subjects into thinking that she cares about the same stink-town that killed her trusted Barristan the Bold (remember him, Khaleesi? The guy who told you about the Mad King burning probably-innocent people alive one episode ago?). It was an important lesson in learning a new culture’s custom, and no one is happier that Dany has altered her plans more than Hizdahr, who was nearly dragon food; now he’s going to be marrying their mom.
5. What happened to Valyria?
Doom, doom is what happened. The downfall of Valyria was left intentionally vague in the books, and even more so on the show. We know that something big and bad happened, with hills “split a-sunder” and black “that ate the skies.” Judging from the text, it sounds like the other Greatest City that Ever Was or Will Be suffered through earthquakes, volcanoes, comets, and the Disaster! ride from Universal Studios, all at once. This was a little over 400 years ago.
6. Did seeing the Stone Men line the ancient ruins make me shout TURN BACK?
Yes, as much as seeing Drogon amazed Tyrion.
7. Is Jorah boned?
In last week’s episode, Stannis explained to his greyscale-stricken daughter why she’s still alive. He was instructed to send her to Valyria, where she could spend the rest of her miserable life with the Stone Men, but he refused, and sought out the advice of maesters and healers from all around the world. Shireen was eventually cured, minus the scales on her face, and it’s all because she has a (rich) father who loves her. Jorah, meanwhile, has no one. He’s not welcome on Bear Island, and Dany exiled him. What’s a Mormont to do? Head back to Meereen, and present Tyrion Lannister to his hopefully forgiving queen. One small obstacle: Jorah has greyscale, too. The Stone Men are sort of like Game of Thrones‘ zombies (well, the Stone Men, and the White Walkers should join forces and become the Sinister Syndicate). Except, they don’t have to bite you to pass along the disease; physical contact will do.
Here’s how one book character who’s not in the show described them: “There will be Stone Men on the span. Some may start to wail at our approach, but they are not like to molest us. Most stone men are feeble creatures, clumsy, lumbering, witless. Near the end they all go mad, but that is when they are most dangerous. If need be, fend them off with the torches. On no account let them touch you.” I can see it already: Jorah is about to see his queen again, or maybe she accepts him back into her inner circle (R.I.P. Barristan), when boom, he dies. Because nothing can ever go right for Jorah, the Charlie Brown of Game of Thrones. Charlie Grey, as it were.
