HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.
Ah, the perils of no training camp, a condensed schedule and disgruntled players. Let’s get to it.
Isaac, Tampa:
Rick Carlisle is making Lamar Odom get in better shape. My question is, why is he the only player that’s receiving such widespread public scrutiny. And what was he doing during the lockout anyway?
Keep in mind that Lamar Odom is 32 years old, has multiple deep playoff runs under his belt and, you know, he married a Kardashian. I’ve never seen their marriage on reality television, but I’m 98.7 percent sure that Khloe wears the pants. And the belt. And she probably beats him with it repeatedly. This is my own twisted theory, but everyone assumes David Stern killed the CP3 trade. Wrong. It was Khloe. Pretending to enjoy basketball was hard enough; she wasn’t going to fly back and forth to Dallas while grungy Texans threw their Cowboy hats at her. Point is, Odom had no time for himself during the lockout. The second she knew daily conditioning wasn’t vital, she zeroed in. LET’S GO SHOPPING. LET’S GO TO DINNER AND TALK UNTIL THE RESTAURANT CLOSES (You know, like real married couples do it!). COME TO YOGA WITH ME AND PRETEND IT SUFFICES FOR EXERCISE. Lamar never stood a chance.
When he marched into Mitch Kupchak‘s office demanding a trade, Kupchak’s tacit compliance shocked everyone, especially since he pawned Odom off for second round picks, literally the worst trade asset in all of basketball besides “a player to be named later.” But here’s what really happened. Odom sniffed an opportunity to take back control – the knowledge that he could walk into his Dallas apartment, watch TV, maybe drink a beer, go to the bathroom in peace, etc. So he went into Kupchak’s office, dropped to his knees in complete supplication, shed a tear or two and said, “Dude, my freedom is in your hands.” Kupchak knew. So he accepted the first deal on the table. It may have been a bad basketball trade, but it was the apex of man-code ethics. Then Kim went apartment shopping with him in Dallas and it all went to sh*t. At least he tried.
Anyway, about Odom’s lack of fitness: Give it a few weeks and he’ll be back in a groove. His greatest asset is his versatile skill set: He’s annoyingly crafty and talented, but not physically imposing. He’s not going to out-run or out-muscle you, so it shouldn’t take that long for him to get back to where he was. Once there, we can keep pretending that Dallas actually has a title shot.
Quentin, New Jersey:
You have to trade DeMarcus Cousins now, right?
Extra definitely. As for who would take a chance on a disgruntled hothead with talent, luckily the pool of candidates is only slimmed down to 29 teams. It’s unbelievable, really. Countless GMs take chances on character problem players. The new guy is happy to be in a new environment, and performs accordingly. We praise the GM for taking a risk. A year later, he’s pouting, feuding with coaches and other players and generally being, well, himself. Who knew! Millions of dollars and a clean slate don’t cure everything!
If I’m an NBA GM, I wouldn’t touch Cousins with a 40-foot stick. In fact, if that stick touched him, I’d probably stomp on it, burn it and feed it to those scavenger dogs that roam around barren cities in Eastern Europe. It’s just not worth the risk. The NBA is exploding with talent, but GMs can’t resist. Then they try to play the whole “guys that talented rarely visit the trading block” card. Um, no. Especially under the new CBA rules, where player movement will only increase due to shorter contracts. Although it’s partially understandable considering most of these puppeteers have to win now if they want to keep overpaying free agents for eight more years. Even worse, half of the revered GMs merely walked into draft paradise by accident. Derrick Rose fell into Chicago’s hands. Oklahoma City lucked into Kevin Durant. Blake Griffin dropped into the Clippers lap.
One last thing: Pat Riley wasn’t a genius for wooing LeBron and Bosh. The conversation probably went something like, “Hey guys, it’s warm, we can afford all of you and I’m the only semi-competent basketball mind courting you.” It was pretty much in the bag from there.
Cal, Albany:
Why are the Celtics so revered? They only won one championship and blew a lead in Game 7 of the NBA Finals. For a team lauded for their ability to win in crunch time and handle adversity and pressure they haven’t done much of that.
Danny Ainge paid for one championship, and everything after was NBA gratuity. The truth is, the Celtics merely caught the Eastern Conference at the right time. The Pistons were on the way down, LeBron was playing with third division Lithuanian teammates, Dwight Howard wasn’t Dwight Howard and the Lakers were a year away from developing chemistry. And by chemistry, I mean the ability of multiple players to adapt their roles from previously learned behaviors. That’s why Boston won immediately. They didn’t need chemistry because no one needed to adapt. Kevin Garnett was never a natural go-to scorer. He’s always preferred rebounding, defending and inflaming opponents with jawing and outwardly directed saliva spew. Ray Allen has always shot the ball and been the most lethal player in the NBA 2K series. Unfortunately, his leading a team in scoring normally precipitates a quick exit in the playoffs. Paul Pierce fill that scorers void, and happily so. Rajon Rondo could be the scared freshman that probably carried Garnett’s bags and bought him countless dinners. I’d imagine he’d order seven dishes to sample just out of veteran spite.
And so they won, because they never needed chemistry, per se. It was already built into them. And that’s why the emergence of Rondo has only made them worse – he has the personality of Paul Pierce and the desire to surpass his on-court reputation. You can’t have two guys who think they’re better than they actually are.
Freddy, Berkeley:
Was it obnoxious of Roy Hibbert to seek out his own cameo on Parks and Rec?
Not at all. If I had that type of money and fame, I’d demand a cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm and probably piss myself a little after meeting Larry David. I’d also creepily follow him around, waiting for an obscure Seinfeld reference for me to aptly recognize and demonstrate my prowess. Did you say Soup? Like the Soup Nazi! No Soup for you, Larry! High five!
Here’s an important question that I’d be too timid to broach: Does he re-watch old episodes of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm when they appear on cable? I re-read all my old writing, berating myself for poor word choice, idiotic logic, etc. I’d like to say I’m my own biggest critic, but I’m more like a neurotic mother that picks stray strands of lint off of her child’s shirt for seven minutes straight.
Side note: My own mother, who I love dearly, is completely confused by my Internet writing; she always informs me that I have to print out everything I’ve ever written. You know, because the Internet might crash one day and I’ll lose everything. Better to have hard copies and stick them in 10-inch thick filing cabinets so I can never find them again.
More athletes need to follow Roy Hibbert’s approach. 30-second commercial cameos just don’t cut it anymore. Entourage cameos were okay, but only because we enjoyed vicariously living through Vince and pretending that all our bros will one day become similarly subservient. What if Blake Griffin appeared on Californication and became Karen’s new girlfriend? Except, he’d play himself. Star basketball player for the Clippers? Drama, people. Real drama and awesome drama.
That’s all for this week. Check back next week for Volume XVI.
HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown. If you really insist on being a sketchy anonymous Internet weirdo, I guess I can’t stop you. So at least provide some sort of name and location.
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