The NBA Playoffs: Where Birdman Is A Wu-Tang & Memphis Is Scarier Than N.W.A.

04.26.11 8 years ago 9 Comments

I’m always wondering what types of music NBA players listen to during the playoffs. I could see someone like Tyler Hansbrough just head-bobbing and fist-pumping to some intense trance. Who knows, maybe Kurt Thomas listens to Pops Stoppers.

Why compare hip-hop groups mostly from the golden ages of the 1980s and 90s to teams? Mostly because it’s much harder to compare NBA players to people like Ke$ha and Young Chris since I only listen to those artists when I’m out making bad decisions. I do love stacking racks on racks on racks though.

I’m going to churn out countless either you’re slinging crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot references because I’ve done it before and because it’s mad cliche. But at least it works. Here are comparisons between my favorite hip-hop groups ever and the remaining playoff teams.

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The Oklahoma City Thunder are … 3rd Bass

See, I’m a big fan of people who just act like themselves.  OKC is the funnest team in the NBA. They are the basketball-playing 3rd Bass. Fun music. Fun hoops. Finally, since Pete Nice was that dude, the team that gets to be the reincarnation of 3rd Bass better be naturally ill, and better be able to pull it all off. The vibes have to stay dope. I think OKC is going to hold up their end of the bargain.

OKC’s favorite jam is … Brooklyn-Queens

The Dallas Mavericks are … De La Soul

I had to Dallas. When you think of the flower music, the first things that pops into my head are Dirk and Dallas.

Dallas’ favorite jam is … D.A.I.S.Y. Age

The New Orleans Hornets are … Public Enemy

Chris motha f#$%^&’ Paul, master of chaos, leader of the free world. The battle against evil, he leads us. No really, Chris Paul is this year’s Chuck D, and Flavor Flav, um maybe Aaron Gray? With Monty Williams getting his Terminator X on behind the breaks, they might not win the championship, but the Hornets are just getting started, and are ready to bum rush the show.

New Orleans’ favorite jam is … Miuzi Weighs A Ton

The San Antonio Spurs are … A Tribe Called Quest

I get the feeling Gregg Popovich and Q-Tip would get along wonderfully. And I feel like Mr. Incognito might be Tim Duncan‘s favorite song of all-time. It’s kind of a weird song if you’ve never heard it. Add that together with Tribe’s love affair with jazz music and the Spurs, who kind of have to be big jazz fans, and you have a match.

San Antonio’s favorite song is … Show Business

The Philadelphia 76ers are … Ultramagnetic MC’s

…because if you listen to one song of theirs, you’ve heard them all. Philly = not too much replay value.

Philadelphia’s favorite song is … Watch Me Now

The Denver Nuggets are … The Wu-Tang Clan

How perfect would it be if J.R. Smith dropped all of the celebrations/gang signs he does now and just started shadow boxing and doing all sorts of weird Shaolin stuff? And is it just me or has Chris Andersen taken the shape of what an actual Wu-Tang (whatever that is) would look like in real life? Tiger style!

Denver’s favorite song is … Ain’t Nothin’ Ta F#$% Wit

The Memphis Grizzlies are … N.W.A.

Um, a group of Tony Allen, Zach Randolph and a bearded lumberjack in Marc Gasol is seriously scarier than anything N.W.A. ever did. The only thing left for the Grizzlies is to hire the Wolfman as their mascot.

Memphis’ favorite song is … If It Ain’t Ruff

The Indiana Pacers are … Junior M.A.F.I.A./Outlawz

Because you know…not a whole lot of people really care about them. In fact, lets just skip over the Bulls’ first round series and get those semis cranked up. Lets skip it all the same way we skip over some of those dud verses on The 7 Day Theory.

Indiana’s favorite song is … Players Anthem

The Orlando Magic are … EPMD

Remember how Erick Sermon once allegedly paid to have his partner’s, Parrish Smith, home burglarized? Dwight Howard is about to do much worse to his teammates. Howard is trying to make dollars and win chips. But yet all his teammates want to do is chill. Lets pray a group breakup isn’t repeated.

Orlando’s favorite song is … You Gots To Chill

The Miami Heat are … Young Money

The young people’s champion. The Heat aren’t really a group, rather just a bunch of the hottest stars of today thrown together. Wayne and Drake make for good LeBrons and D-Wades. What about Chris Bosh though? Steve Nash knows who he is.

Miami’s favorite song is … Successful

The Boston Celtics are … Mobb Deep

You already know where I’m going with this one. …You was a ballerina/I got your pictures, I seen ya. Damn. You thought Kevin Garnett had it bad with everyone calling him a punk. At least no one has stolen his manhood yet. Still, the Celtics like to talk a lot. So does Mobb Deep.

Boston’s favorite song is … Trife Life

The Atlanta Hawks are … Bone Thugs

No one ever talked about the Bone Thugs. They were good, but were never great. Atlanta gets the same treatment. They’re good enough to avoid the spotlight, but not great enough to seek it out. So, they should be quite acquainted with each other. Lets get Joe Johnson and his relaxed, mumbling southern drawl to perform Notorious Thugs.

Atlanta’s favorite song is … Foe The Love Of $

The Portland Trail Blazers are … OutKast

This only works because the Blazers are led by a slightly awkward fan base, a group that seems to care a little too much, and a team of players that are anything but not eccentric. Between Andre Miller, Gerald Wallace, Patty Mills, Wesley Matthews‘ goggles and Marcus Camby‘s backwards daps, Portland is filled with “different” people. And OutKast was very, very weird.

Portland’s favorite song is … SpottieOttieDopaliscious

The L.A. Lakers are … Main Source

When they were on their game, it was art. The problem was that it didn’t go down like that all the time. Main Source eventually broke up because of business decisions while the Lakers always seem to be on the edge of something disastrous.

L.A.’s favorite song is … Just Hanging Out

The Chicago Bulls are … Boogie Down Productions

Derrick Rose is probably asking for more help. He needs it. It’s been all about him through the first four games. Someone else needs to step up, kinda like how KRS-One got helped from others with BDP. Wait, never mind.

Chicago’s favorite song is … Jack Of Spades

Which group is the best ever?

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