This week, I’ve got a copy of the Last of the Mohicans Director’s Definitive Cut to give away, new on Blu-ray disc. It was an awesome movie to begin with. Now, see the film the way Michael Mann intended. Prepare to see the film about which Pete Hammond said, “This movie literally split my head open with a tomahawk of non-stop action!”
In a photo finish, this week’s winner is Michelle 07.
[From The Dilemma trailer pulled because Vince Vaughn said something was gay] Michelle 07 says:
I would never describe my black friends as my n-friends. You know what my friends that are attracted to their own sex are?? Gay. And when I describe something as gay, like this twee toaster over here, I’m not insinuating that it has fashion sense, is educated or is making more money than me, but that you can put toast in it’s butt..NO NO NO I mean that it’s silly. Boy did that go off the rails.
What can I say, she makes me giggle. NEXT WEEK, I’ve got The Hangover: Extreme Edition for the winners, and I’ve got FIVE COPIES to give away. So get commenting. In the meantime, let’s enjoy the honorable mentions:
Finishing a close second, Morton Salt.
[From Fred Figglehorn auditions for a Marvel movie] Morton Salt: Matthew Shepard’s ghost just appeared before me while that video was playing and spookily said, “CAAAAN SOOOOMEOOOONE PLEAAASSSSSEEEE KICK THIS KIIIIIIIIIIIIID’S F***INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG AAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?”
[From Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Brother Died — not to encourage making jokes at the expense of the dead, but what can I say, it was funny] Morton Salt says: “…taught a room full of 100 black people to dance?”
I assume he means he came into the room dressed as a cowboy, unholstered a couple of six-shooters, and began firing at their feet.
[needs no context] Morton Salt: It can’t be a hate crime if you love what you do.
Wow. And now, the rest:
[From the full-length trailer for True Grit]
Crapbasket says: [Howie Long walks up]
“And what better way to pull that full length trailer than with the new Chevy 2500HD Superduty. Not with some f*ggy truck with sh*t like seatbelts and safety glass, no, f*ck that p*ssy ass sh*t. Look at this bitch, it’s got a Jake brake, a f*cking Jake brake bitch! You know when big rigs make that kick ass YOKYOKYOKYOKYOKYOKYOK sound when they go down a hill? F*ck ya you do, and you think, “Man I must eat d*ck cuz my truck can’t go YOKYOKYOKYOKYOK!” So pull your dog’s d*ck out of you c*ck massager of an *sshole and get a Chevy or I’m going to make your mom’s chin smell like my balls. Again.” [Ed: I think the expiration date on Howie Long-truck jokes ran out last season, but it still got a laugh out of me.]
[From Hatchet II gets pulled from theaters]
Chino Moreno says: Octomom’s Hatchet had the widest release. [Ed.: Ahh, yes, there’s that hatchet-hatchet wound joke we were all searching for…]
[From Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Brother Died]
Stinky Peet says: Unfortunately they don’t have enough room in the family burial plot, so now his mom is getting bumped to a neighboring grave. If you go looking for her headstone, it’s the third rock from her son. [Ed: prediction: that will be the first and last time anyone ever stretches that hard for a Third Rock from the Sun reference.]
[From James Franco in Drag on the Candy Magazine Cover]
Donkey Hodey says: Finally, a picture that both the Gyllenhaals can masturbate to. [Ed.: I don’t even really know what that means, and it’s still funny.]
[From Anderson Cooper complains to Ellen about The Dilemma]
Hexacorde says: Why is Anderson Cooper interviewing himself in this video clip?
[From Nude Nuns with Big Guns trailer]
ChinoMoreno says: Nude priests with big guns blow altar boys away.
Stinky Peet: Better tag line: “Old Habits Die hard”
[From Baby Goose plays ukulele while Michelle Williams dances tap]
ChinoMoreno says: Hey, girl. I’ll let you do the tapping for now. I’ll wait until we’re married.
ChinoMoreno says: Hey, girl. I’d love to salsa. But let’s keep it mild.
ChinoMoreno says: Hey, girl. I want to do the box step, but I respect you too much.
Bubb Rubb says: Aw, girl. I love your boots. Let’s F*CK!!!
A job well done as always, y’all. Keep it up this week if you want to win a Hangover DVD.