6 Things I Learned While Watching Guy Fieri Testify at an Attempted Murder Trial

Yesterday, I traveled up to Marin County to watch Guy Fieri testify in the trial of Max Wade, the high school kid who, according to the prosecution, stole Guy Fieri’s yellow Lamborghini in March 2011 (when Wade was 16), and got caught after he tried to shoot some people in April 2012. I made the trip in the hopes that years from now, I’ll be able to tell my grandkids that I watched the Mayor of Flavortown testify in an attempted murder trial.

Now, if you’ve read anything about the Max Wade trial, you know that, incredibly, the Fieri angle might be the least interesting part of it. I was able to catch both closing arguments. I’ll have more on that later, but in the meantime, I thought I’d share just a few Fieri-related anecdotes:

1. Yes, Guy Fieri wears his pinky rings and assorted bangles when he shows up to court.

A wise man named Michael Bay once said, “I don’t change my style for anybody. Pussies do that.”  It seems Mr. Fieri subscribes to the same philosophy, arriving to court with at least two giant gold rings and a spiky bracelet on his opposite wrist. He was wearing some kind of fancy button-up (visible logos, contrasty piping), untucked, and his spiky hair looked just as crunchy as the pulled pork wontons in his Asian Invasion fusion taco platter.

2. Yes, Guy Fieri keeps his pinky rings and assorted bangles on while walking through a metal detector.

I took my belt and zippered jacket off before walking through, while Guy just strolled through with three AR-15s worth of metal on his fingers, wrists, ears and neck. As he was being patted down, I overheard him say “Yup, just like everyone else, haha!”

3. Yes, Guy Fieri pronounces his fake ethnic name with a fake ethnic accent, even while under oath.

If you’re as big a Guy Fieri fan as me, you already know that Guy Fieri was born Guy Ferry, and changed his last name to Fieri in honor of Giuseppe Fieri, his grandfather or great grandfather, depending on who you ask. Unlike those of us who pronounce our ethnic names the anglicized way for ease of use (man-SEE-knee instead of mahn-CHEE-knee, say), Guy goes with the full trill, “Fietti.” This seems like some kind of minor perjury if you ask me.

4. Guy’s Occupation: Chef.

Guy was only on the stand for about five minutes, to establish who he was, and that he’d never given anyone permission to take his car. But this was probably my favorite exchange:

PROSECUTOR: And Mr. Fieri, what is your occupation?

FIERI: I’m a chef.

PROSECUTOR: And what kind of chef are you?

FIERI: Uh… I cook food, I own restaurants, I’m on television…

PROSECUTOR: Would you say that you’re a celebrity chef?

DEFENSE: (sounding bored) Objection, relevance.

JUDGE: Sustained.

One of many surreal moments.

5. Guy’s yellow Lamborghini that Max Wade allegedly stole had vanity plates that read “GUYTORO.”

Guy didn’t seem at all embarrassed to be delivering this information, nor did the rest of the spectators seem to find this tidbit as amusing as I did. The prosecutor asked the value of Fieri’s Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder, which was at British Motors being worked on, but the defense again objected on the grounds of relevance and it was sustained ($220,000, according to other accounts). Did it smell like chipotle chorizo samurai handrolls? We’ll never know.

6. Yes, the local news media seemed interested in Guy Fieri and not much else.

As I’ve said, that Fieri was involved in this case is probably the least interesting part, but you’d never know it from the local TV stations (NBC, CBS, and ABC) who were there to cover it. As soon as Fieri was finished testifying (again, about five minutes total, to establish who he was, that he owned the car, and that he hadn’t given anyone permission to rappel into the dealership and steal it), the reporters and cameramen all rushed out of the court to follow him to the parking lot and get an interview. But hey, without them, we wouldn’t have this.

Jeez, six minutes of video and not one person asked “GUY! GUY! How much flavor would you say is trapped in your rings right now??”

And they call themselves journalists.

In any case, that’s about all I have to report on the Fieri-related aspects of the trial. I was disappointed that he didn’t call the judge or attorneys “brother” (both female) or teach us all to cook his famous tequila bacon tempura slaw with chili-lime brisket balls right there in the court room, but it was an interesting day nonetheless. More to come.

[picture via Getty]