Plot of Katherine Heigl’s new movie recreated with scathing review quotes

10.15.10 8 years ago 22 Comments

Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel’s Life as We Know It has been in theaters a week now, and while it seems like the obvious choice to just compile all the meanest review quips (“a living hell of a movie” -Rolling Stone), that’s too easy.  Instead, we have this game we play where we try to recreate the plot of the movie using only expository quotes (no analysis!) from reviews.  Exposition can be hard to find in reviews of a film that already provides every single dramatic beat in the trailer.  But you know what they say: that’s just life as we know it.

He’s a womanizing pig who works in the TV control booth for a professional Atlanta sports team. She’s a nurturing homebody who runs a gourmet store and bake shop like the one Meryl Streep had in “It’s Complicated.” Neither one knows the first thing about changing diapers. [WashingtonPost]

Holly Berenson (Heigl) and Eric Messer (Duhamel) — or “Mess,” as he is aptly known — get set up on a blind date by their friends, and it’s a disaster. He arrives scruffy. She’s ever so put together. He rides a battered motorcycle. She’s got a spiffy gas-sipper hardly bigger than his bike. [Washington Post/Denver Post]

Arriving an hour late with no dinner reservations and a post-date tryst already lined up, he takes a booty call from his late-night hookup. [New York Times]

But that’s set aside when their best friends are killed in a car crash. In their will, they named Holly and Messer as caretakers of their infant daughter — they’re little Sophie’s godparents. [Detroit News]]

Conveniently enough, there are no blood relatives who can take in the kid, other than one cousin who’s a stripper, another who already has nine children and a grandfather on an oxygen tank. [WashingtonPost]

Haha, a stripper with a kid, can you imagine!?!

Though they despise each other, Messer and Holly must take up residence in their friends’ home and be co-parents. [USA Today]

To make matters better and worse, there is a tightly wound child-services worker who’s evaluating their parenting skills. [LATimes]

Will two singles who hate hate hate each other lovingly coparent a child? Will Sophie make Holly more forgiving and Messer more responsible? [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Oh gosh, I sure hope so!

She finally finds Dr. Right (Josh Lucas, as a kindly pediatrician), but fate keeps crossing their stars: first when her call to him is interrupted by the news that her friends have died; then, on a fabulous first date, when Messer calls to say the baby’s suffering from a urinary-tract infection. [Time]

….being stoned on marijuana when she meets the baby’s social worker, sporting a dab of baby poop on her face as she greets the neighbors… [Time]

…with frequent close-ups of a crying baby or a giggling baby… [Reelviews]

Holly and Messer have their first real sex in the bedroom of the deceased couple. [Time]

When the unlikely duo ends up in an amorous encounter, Holly muses, “I wonder if they planned this.” As if a couple would be so selfless as to sacrifice their lives just so their best friends could get together. [USA Today]

Yeah, so it sort of fizzles out at the end there. I try to do these posts on only the most generic-looking movies, but I always secretly hope for some over-the-top awesome elements, like Miley Cyrus saving a nest of turtles from a raccoon, or a line like “Jennifer Lopez pries a used pregnancy test out of a dog’s mouth, picks pieces of fried chicken out of her hair, and has an epiphany in a dumpster.”  Sadly, even with Katherine Heigl taking a baby deuce to the face, Life As We Know It sounds to be as boring as advertised.  Though I gather that it does end with someone running through an airport.

[sources: WashingtonPost, USA Today, Detroit News, DenverPost, ReelViews, PhiladelphiaInquirer,New York Times, LA Times]

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