In 1982, they dabbled in television with the Police Squad! series, which lasted a whopping six episodes and proved that TV execs and many viewers wouldn’t know comedy if it sucked their eyeballs out of their skulls with a Dustbuster. Fortunately, America would get its collective sh*t together six years later when The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! hit theaters and became one of the greatest and most successful comedy franchises of all-time. But lost in that six-year void was another classic that was considered one of the worst movies of 1984 and an all-out box office bomb – Top Secret!, which starred a kid named Val Kilmer in his first film role ever.
I won’t pretend that people haven’t heard of Top Secret!, because in the 30 years since it was released (on June 8, 1984, to be specific), it has become a huge cult classic and so many comedy fans regard it as one of their all-time favorites. Hell, to give you an idea of how good Top Secret! is, Vince and I actually agree that it’s great. The only other movie he and I agree on is Troop Beverly Hills, which he calls “Philadelphia before Philadelphia existed.” And yet, as the 30th anniversary passed, there was barely a word written about this film’s legacy, especially since some idiot – *points to self* – wrote down the wrong date on his calendar.
Last week, Screen Crush’s Mike Ryan published an interview that he conducted with Abrahams and both Zucker brothers, as well as Kilmer, and even 22 Jump Street directors Chris Miller and Phil Lord, who served as examples of how Top Secret! influenced so many people. Among the things that they revealed in this must-read interview, was that Top Secret! only came together because Michael Eisner hated their other idea that they didn’t even bother describing. So instead of writing and directing Airplane II: The Sequel, the three men put their heads together and decided to make a World War II spoof, only unlike Airplane!, they didn’t really have a story.
Jerry Zucker: The thing with ‘Naked Gun,’ it fell into the category that all good sequel movies fall into, that it was based on a single strong character — or two in the case of ’22 Jump Street’ – that you can throw into a bunch of different situations and stories. With ‘Airplane!,’ it’s a group of people and the story itself was a specific story of how Ted and Elaine were breaking up and he found his courage. You couldn’t really have done a sequel to ‘Zero Hour!.’ So, for us, ‘Airplane 2’ was just going back on an airplane and trying to come up with 500 more jokes about things on an airplane.
Jim Abrahams: Then we figured the best thing to do was to put together a bunch of our favorite jokes – really good jokes — and string it together with what seemed like a story and that’s what wound up being ‘Top Secret!.’ (Via Screen Crush)
I found these remarks fascinating, because they basically describe every horrible attempt at spoofs and parodies that Hollywood still wrongly pumps out today. Last year, Nathan Rabin wrote a scathing takedown (is there any other kind?) of Hollywood’s default parody “experts” Aaron Seltzer and Jason Freidberg, in which he accurately pointed out that while Mel Brooks and the Zuckers made spoof movies that showed affection to the source material, Seltzer and Friedberg were just being a-holes with sledgehammers, taking huge dumps on popular films because they thought it was “clever.” As we almost all know, those two wouldn’t know clever if it climbed inside their pee holes, pulling a string attached to 10 pineapples along with them.
So what Abrahams and Co. did that sets their work apart from today’s pathetic drivel and makes a film like Airplane!, The Naked Gun or Top Secret! relevant today is they gave them stories that could be followed in between jokes, and created characters that we like. We wanted Ted and Elaine to save the passengers and crew, and we wanted them to get back together, just as we wanted Nick Rivers to escape the Germans and rescue Hillary’s father. What the hell did we care about the characters in Meet the Spartans, other than why did some of those actors stoop so low?
But again, Nick Rivers and Hillary Flammond didn’t really connect with American moviegoers in 1984, and that’s why the film only grossed $20 million. It wasn’t technically a bomb – it doubled its original budget – but anything that Abrahams and the Zuckers did at that time was being measured against Airplane!. Fortunately, they know what an amazing comedy that many people consider Top Secret! to be today, and I watched it three times this week out of fondness alone. Sure, it helped that I wanted to write this long-winded tribute, but knowing that it’s available for streaming on Netflix means that I might start watching it daily anyway. After all, this movie speaks to me…
This film is packed with huge, obvious jokes and some of the most subtle lines and gags that people might not notice after two viewings. I couldn’t even recap all of my favorites, because then I might as well embed the whole movie. But the scenes I’ve included are just beyond brilliant, and I’ll never stop being impressed by them.
The Entire Dancing Scene
You almost have to be really focused on the screen to get everything that’s happening here. If you’re too focused on the fact that the characters suddenly know this choreographed dance, you’ll miss the hot air balloon joke. If you’re tuned in to what Hillary is saying about Americans taking things for granted, you might miss an armpit fart. Movies need more armpit farts.
“I know a little German.”
I worked in an office a while back with a friend from college and we probably said, “I know a little German” and “Souvenirrrrrrs, novelties, parrrrrty tricks” at least once a week for no reason other than we both agreed that Top Secret! was a sorely underrated comedy.
This Old Guy with the Cello
If I had been raised Jewish, I would have wanted his whole band to play my Bar Mitzvah, but this guy especially because nobody rocks a cello like him.
Omar Sharif’s Car Antenna Boner
One of the things that Abrahams and the Zuckers discuss in their Screen Crush interview was how they were able to cast actors in Airplane! and Top Secret! that were normally known for their very serious dramatic work. Airplane! had Robert Stack and Leslie Nielsen (before he’d become a comedy god) and Top Secret! had Omar Sharif. This scene, after Agent Cedric (Sharif) arrives at Hillary’s hotel room crushed inside his car, kills me every time for both its obvious and subtle perversion.
Martin Just Can’t Bring His Wife to Orgasm
Abrahams and the Zuckers sure know their sex toy bits, from Frank Drebin’s giant stone penis to the Anal Intruder. I’m pretty sure I was 10 when I first saw Top Secret!, so it’s a joke like this one that you really appreciate years later when you know what a giant rubber fist can be used for. Not speaking from experience, of course.